She did it again

[vanillasea]

I am returning here under a new name. Really - I feel I am returning here even after only a short while as a totally different person. Each day I get a little piece of my old self back and mend it in with this new self. Some days are black with grief and others are full of PD-free pleasure. Things I thought were just 'me' aren't me at all...they were a reaction to living in decades of abuse.

I had all doubt removed thanks to a tech company that I was completely spied on probably my entire marriage of 10+ years. So even my account here was likely mined for his gold.

The most violating aspect of the spying is that I kept a journal on one of my devices, which he was able to access. He is still able to track my location and does so. He completely set me up. Irony that the PD is so scared I was cheating and running around on him while he "worked" overtime so many years. He also had this standard operating procedure of deleting anything he received on his phone or social media immediately. Funny too - He had me agree we shouldn't keep social media - then he kept his, then he even had a grand reason he created a fake account as well. Wild how he could justify things to me and his WORDS seemed to make plenty more sense than his actions. No, maybe sense isn't the right word. His WORDS seemed to be something I could live with while his actions required a break with denial. 

What was my biggest issue? That I was born into this life being told WORDS > ACTIONS. I listened to his words and failed to check against his actions and get smarter long long ago and save myself and the precious souls involved in this heartbreak.

It is hard not to delve into paranoia about his next moves and what lies he is cooking right now as I type. Since he had me hacked he knows most of the evidence I hold. But I'm going to choose to have faith and surrender to this rip-tide in life. You can't keep swimming when you're caught in an undertow. So my strategy is grey rock and see where it takes me. He knows my heart and soul is tied to the children. And that was how he kept me terrified living in his prison. "I'll take them away from you." "You couldn't leave me...I'd just kill you, Hah. Hah. You know I'm just playing." "Here, I've been thinking, let's up your life-insurance policy in case you die when the baby is being born."

So - He knows where my goat is for the getting. The only thing I can do is trust that he won't be allowed to get the goat...and if he does somehow manipulate that - what is he going to do with a goat anyhow when he hates being tied down...

He saw me as a stepping stone.

He'd have abandoned us all if it weren't for his good-guy image he needs to get girls. He isn't the most attractive person and as he is aging and doesn't have a good personality - he has to fabricate one and rely heavily on his act and "charm" (he says himself he is oscar-worthy)...and that doesn't sound too good to the young ladies that he has children he doesn't see. Too quick for the red flag. I see now by the age of the targets that he played the 'my wife got so busy about the kids she neglects me completely and I'm just such a good guy I'll deal..."

I had it confirmed by some others once I finally told them what was going on they always had their suspicions he was abusive but couldn't quite nail it down. I was sensitive to this in others so I would frequently ask if I had said or done something that he could see for people to be put off by 'us' - and he used this to convince me I was a social nuisance. "Precious" is the word I keep hearing by healthy people. What a different world I am now living in!

I really think if he can walk away with the ultimate victim story + money in his pockets he may just leave us all alone.

So he already knows my deepest fears and my strategies, etc. In today's digital world - where privacy is already next-to-nothing, the PD took every last shred of dignity and privacy I had.
This explains why during my exit he was able to come into a room like he was a god and use what I had been typing about my thoughts and use it to really destroy my brain.

There were like two parts of me - one deep under cover whispering to me that the coincidences were too scary  And the other, trying desperately to hold on to the lie that I was in a marriage and in a family.  I can't abandon family-girl. But I had to trust instict-girl and keep family-girl calm. Cognitive Dissonance must be a stress-inducing-killer. When looking at the statistics of divorce and PDs - I wonder how much more this is coming into play than many realize.

I thought I was the one leaving. I thought I was making the most difficult decision and that he would be destroyed by my leaving. I made sure I tried everything over the years to heal 'us,' only to find I was the only one there. I thought *I* was the bad-guy. I thought *I* was the one giving up and being selfish. But now I see he was pulling all the strings - slowly tearing me down in EVERY possible way while he secured his next stage in life and got his act down in a new town.

I can feel myself healing - exhaustion and all. For a few months I looked 10 years older than I am. I'm starting to see some color return to my face.

He is playing Mr. Nice and occasionally sprinkles in some anger when he drops the mask. It is obvious he is playing a brand new role and the children are disgusted by it. I wasn't prepared for them to see through things so fully. And when he doesn't get ANYTHING from this boring old rock - he softly says "I love you....GUYS" behind my back aiming it at me and then hurling it toward the children.

He was able to see pictures and see where we are and were and what we were doing - and then pushes me to react to crazy-making...and no. No more.

I read in "Stop Caretaking" one of the examples in the book saying to him or herself I can't fully remember "NO. MORE. DRAMA." And sticking to that.

The other thing is looking back now that I made my grand escape - was that I wasn't the one doing the dumping. I had been warned many times over the years that he was actively dumping me and waiting for me to solve his problem. In the mean-time - he lived his little double life full of supply while I was completely isolated and sick and dying and doing EVERYTHING in the home and otherwise. He even introduced me to two of his mistresses (potential or otherwise since I can't prove anything since I blindly trusted him). He got the ultimate satisfaction in how "STUPID" I was (that's a nicer word than he used).

We are not legally anything but married. So I'm just waiting to see what he does. I know I'll need all of your support when he finally plays his hand.
He basically abandoned us within the home for months out making the new 'friends' and securing the girlfriend(s) (I'm just certain the reveal is coming).

He manipulates the kids and makes them uncomfortable. They saw too many mask slips and he will never have what I have - which is a genuine relationship with them. He can abuse them and twist their minds and use trauma bonding - but it'll never be the clean tie that we have together.

So. I guess what I came here to say - is..the only thing keeping me up at night - that possibility that even if he were to soil the one pure thing I have out of the entire ordeal (because now I see it was an arrangement not a marriage) and take my children from me by some CRAZY IMPOSSIBLE scheme - ultimately I will win. Because I have a heart and a soul and I will carry my dignity. Yes, he tricked me. Yes he used and abused me. But I left. And I will hold my head high.

When the trauma bond broke - I realized all of these nasty things he does and has done and is capable of - those are not mine. And I'm not the PD. I still have compassion and empathy for him - but THANK YOU TO MR. PD for teaching me my empathy and compassion now come with boundaries and limits for people - especially ones like him.

And my impact on my children's lives will be that I stood for the truth. I traded the comfortable illusion to the outside world that a ring on my finger meant ANYTHING - and that beautiful children and a brick home and smiles on our faces at restaurants meant we were healthy and happy.

If my enabler parent would have been able to stand up to my abuser parent even just a handful of times - even if it meant risking a relationship with me - I would have been better served by that then watching them enact the chaos and sit as collateral damage and the emotional punching bag and feelings-trashcan.

The hugs and "THANK YOU MOMMY's" have been worth it all. They have thanked me for getting us to "divorce Island" from this shipwreck. They were living that hell, too. And they've now tasted a different (albeit imperfect) place to live - one full of peace and ZERO eggshells while we figure out how to actually build something. I hadn't realized how much catering to his moods and whims kept us all wild and imbalanced.


I wanted to write today while there are clear skies -  as two important dates are coming up and I'm expecting the forecast to push for a bit of FOG.

Thanks for reading this much. I've missed all of your precious feedback.

A little more balanced...

Vanilla Sea :-)

[moglow]

He knows where my goat is for the getting.

As my brother says, "they can't get your goat if they don't know where it's tied." Move your goat. Hide your goat. Lie about it it if you need to, but remove his access to the goat.

[square]

Um, that's terrifying.

Do you have a new phone he can't get into?

If not I'd buy one, used on eBay if need be. Then new email address and everything.

Btw I too take WORDS way too seriously, even now that I'm really aware of it.

[hhaw]

VS:

You see through the FOG well enough to understand healing yourself and practicing healthy boundaries is the important piece in this. 

Your enabler parent couldn't do that for you, but your modeling it for your children.  What an extraordinary gift!

You're correct about your pd.  He's missing important emotional pieces.  He won't ever escape his situation....he neeeeeds validation from outside himself to feel ok.  It's a roller coaster....it's a moving target for him.

Learning to feel at home inside your own skin, to know you're ok bc you have yourself is where healing happens, ime.

You're a trusting soul and I hope you drop the judgment around the PD tricking you.  That's on him.  What's on you is finding the clarity behind your causes and conditions.  You already understand how your parents impacted you.

You're children will learn from this..... your bravery and strength is your ability to break the generational trauma. 

Brava, VS.

[vanillasea]

@ Moglow - unfortunately he knows my goat and where I keep it...lol. The only thing I can do is detach a bit and hopefully he'll get bored and move on.

@Square - yes it was terrifying and extremely maddening and unsettling. Seeing his device signed in to my things was a creepy feeling - but it sure did explain a lot.

@hhaw - thank you - I do need to drop the judgement on myself.  I'm trying to process a lifetime of pent up anger I turned inward because I fear harming others. I should be better able to have true intimacy with those I love once I let go and process this.

What do you mean by causes and conditions? Like the way I am programmed? Thanks for the feedback always!


As an update...

I did process some of that anger I found a healthy way ...and when he outed himself on the spying I was able to just come right out and say it. Even with evidence - he claimed he is innocent and that I'm going to look like a fool for saying that (hmm... planning on court?) and then said I'm crazy and he has no idea how I deal with it (being crazy). We said all of this with smiles plastered on our faces.

Then I dropped the smile and said 'I did handle it.' And left.

He showed off a wad of cash and all of his new things.  Can't put a price on freedom.

[bat123]

Hi, vanillasea!  I know the pain of having your privacy violated.  My spouse has recorded my personal conversations with others (without permission) and then had the gall to try to use my words against me.  He also discovered and read years worth of my private journals, and he repeatedly quotes painful and hurtful things back that I wrote.  It's maddening.  I suspect he checks my phone call history and location.  He often asks me very pointed questions, almost like he's testing if my answers are accurate based on something he already knows.  He constantly tells me he doesn't trust me, though I've been a mostly good and always loyal spouse for over 25 years.  I'm finally trying to leave this craziness behind but it's so painful and scary.  Therapy is helping.  I'm trying to be strong, and I'm finding support here.  It sounds like you've been on quite a journey, too.  It helps so much to know we're not alone!

[vanillasea]

@bat!

That's so not okay!  I'm sorry you understand the violation! He quite often will say almost verbatim the things I say to friend and the children etc....it is so creepy.

And it is disheartening to know I've been lied to for so many years with a straight face while he was out being nasty I was locked in the tower hopelessly devoted. Ughhh.

I hope you get your freedom.

Everything these days links up your devices so once they're in it is hard to keep them out.

It is a gross feeling to be spied on. *especially when you're innocent.