Family secret vs. "every family does that"

[easterncappy]

How could something simultaneously be implied to be a "family secret", something that I'm to never tell anyone outside of our family, but was also "totally normal and every family does it - if they say they don't, they're lying"? And then, at the same time, my mom seemed almost fearful of me interacting with "normal families". Now I know that she was worried that I'd realize that something was wrong at home... but I thought "all families do what we do"?

[olivegirl]

Eastern,
I have a very similar family dynamic.

Mine said that it is human nature to look out only for oneself and that people who preach family trust and mutual respect are phonies. 

My toxic parents' motto is "Life is a struggle."  Life is a war and in war there are no rules and one must backstab, lie, manipulate to come out on top.

And that indeed my disordered parents saw themselves as "real," and they said they would be doing me a real disservice and setting me up to be naive and gullible by promoting family values like respect and honest and cooperation.

I recall they explained it's like bringing a knife to a gun battle.  While I am telling the truth and hugging relatives, my cousins surely are telling me what I want to hear and duping me and guess who comes out on top?

Alas I pressed on, why did my parents send me to religious school then since I was educated to care for our neighbor, not to lie, etc. 

My depraved parents' response was "Do as I say, not as I do."  Meaning my parents were allowed to lie and disrespect me but I was forbidden to treat them in the same manner.

And then we got to the heart of the matter:  my parents declared that "Honor your father and mother" is the single most important edict that I am to follow and that it trumps all other rules for living!

My parents decided upon the authoritarian parenting style and they still try to assert their dominance and superiority over me!

My father literally would preen that he is the King of his household and that nothing less than total adherence to his every command would be tolerated or face the repercussions of being humiliated, shunned, and isolated.

Everything was set up for Control, Control, Control. 

[Empie2204]

I think it´s their peculiar concept of the world: In that world, it is allowed to do some unpleasant things that are necessary for the picture of a good family. Since these things are unpleasant, they should remain between four walls, even though everybody does them.

Weird, isn´t it? But it´s their rule.