Sharing the story

escapingman · September 26, 2022, 08:51:53 AM

I recently shared some of my story to a the parents of DD's best friend, they already know part of it as DD has told their daughter. But when I told them some, I realised this is just not normal, their jaw dropped on the floor at some of what I said about STBX and MIL. This felt extremely liberating to tell them, to be honest I don't even care if they share the stories with everyone they know, I am fed up with STBX being protected. I now look back to and feel better about this moments, as when I shared them my own shame and fear surrounding them disappeared. I only touched the more "normal disordered" stories, I don't think they are ready for stories of her throwing food around in the kitchen and laying on the floor crying.

4 months out now and it's a roller coaster, the last weeks following the last encounter with STBX where I went down in a black hole was bad, really bad. But I feel I am getting out of it now and feel better now, but I am prepared for the next bump in the road that I am sure will come soon.

losingmyself · September 26, 2022, 10:34:09 AM

I'm happy for you, EM.
My experience with opening up to a trusted family member has felt much the same as yours. She said she would keep this between us, which made me feel good about trusting her, but I told her that I didn't care who she told. I don't want it to be a secret anymore, and that has made moving forward easier for me. At first I felt a bit overwhelmed because it made my situation real, but it is real, and I need to get out, and opening up about how we're treated is the first step, I think.
It's good to get feedback that things aren't normal, as we suspected, and it's not just all in our heads.
Good luck to you in your next steps and know that you have a lot of awesome people who support you when things get tough. I am in awe of your resilience and strength.
In order to get past it, you have to go through it...
LM

guitarman · September 26, 2022, 03:02:43 PM

It took me a long time to tell people what had really been going on in my family. I have now told my story to hundreds of people. I still feel uneasy saying what has happened but it becomes easier the more I do it.

I feel disloyal to tell these secrets out loud. They were secret because I was brought up not to talk about what happened.

"Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs".

I am able to trust people more, although I can be extremely apprehensive. I can't control what people think about me. Only I know what I have experienced and what I feel.

I realise that I need to tell others what has happened. It is vital that I do. I can't keep all the abuse secret any more. It can be very liberating and can feel less stressful to let it go and not hold onto it all any more.

escapingman · September 28, 2022, 02:57:25 AM

I have tried to share some of the story with my FOO but I feel I get no real response there. My dad is more interested in making some negative comment about STBX and then move on, not anything about how I really feel. My mum just replies she can't do that on the topic of STBX brainwashing GC, since that is her level I have not shared anything further with her. I have bad days and good days, when a bad day I don't want to see anyone as I don't want to share or pretending all is fine. I find myself very isolated, in a limbo where I don't want to put myself in situations I might need to talk to someone. As others said in other threads, I am worried with oversharing with the wrong person. I am worried STBX already told her twisted story and I would be deemed crazy if I said anything. But how do I not tell people I have not seen my own daughter for months and that it is ripping me apart?

I am struggling with DD at the moment, she is not doing anything to help out at home and she is very cruel in many ways how she speaks to me. I am not sure why she is doing what she is doing, I hope it's a phase that she will get past soon. I can't tell her anything or give any opinions as she just starts screaming at me to stop screaming at her. It's like she is projecting on to me to be her mum and that I am bashing her when I am not. Yesterday I was asking her about something in school, she then told me she didn't want to talk about it. Then after we had stopped talking about it she shouted at me to stop talking about it although I already stopped, then she opened the window of the car and told me that everybody on the street will hear me shout now - but I wasn't even talking. I am worried about asking for help as that would most likely feed back to the social worker and her then reporting to court that I can't look after DD.

I am really struggling now, I feel lonely and that everyone is against me. Sure I have these new friends, but that is new friendship and I can't be too vulnerable and lean on them. All I want to do is to go back to bed and stay there all day.

escapingman · September 28, 2022, 08:16:47 AM

I was about to start a thread in the PD Parents forum but I don't feel ready yet. But my dad is driving me absolutely insane and I think I just got the final piece of the jigsaw cemented in. His spouse, that I am sure has some kind of NPD, has always come first for him. She has always been pulling the strings in the back ground, I have no evidence but I just know based on his behaviour. For you that followed my story this summer, we went to stay at their house, I was so worn down by the divorce and everything so I in my stupidity "forgot" about her. Arriving there and she was coughing like she had been smoking 50 a day which we later found out was Covid. Me and DD left the table when she announced her positive test, but were expected to stay and eat with her sitting next to us. We didn't stay and went to a hotel and then refused to see them as my dad also tested positive. All this went sour and despite all my struggles that they knew about it took my dad a month to contact me again. Now he has contacted me again and was to come for a few days. I have gone through 4 months of hell with no support from him or my mum, despite telling them about it, but now he want a weekend away. With the last thing happened there is no way I have any energy for another stunt from him, I have another hearing coming up in a few months and no doubt he would make sure to come the weekend before. But to the point of all this rambling, I finally got my confirmation that I was right all along about his spouse. She has unfriended me on social media following this. Only a PD would do that. Thanks for that, now I don't need to ever pretend with her again.

JustKeepTrying · September 28, 2022, 08:46:58 AM

EM - Sharing the story is a fine line to walk. You want to share and defend and scream and all of it. It's important to live your truth and no longer live in a world of fear obligation or guilt. Living with truth is freeing and joyful.

But family - whether of choice or origin - can be slow to follow. My brother knew there was abuse a while ago - but his wife keeps saying things like "it takes two" and so on. Her energy is so hard to be around. So I don't. This is your time to surround yourself with people who align with you, their energy is compatible and builds you up.

Your DD is going through the same thing as you. Love her. Be the stable parent. Keep on her about chores and continue to love her.

And go out even if for a walk. You don't have to be social if you don't want. Give yourself some time - you've been through a lot and your body needs to catch up.

square · September 28, 2022, 10:41:02 AM

EM, my take is that I remember when your father came to stay a few months back. You were very happy to have his support and really needed it. And then it all fell apart anyway. It was a net loss for you, your father added to your problems rather than relieving even just a tiny bit.

You need support so much it's tempting to hope he could come through for you. But it looks like he is good for only maybe an hour of listening to you and then it's all over.

So I am thinking you might be better off passing on his offers, as kindly or as abruptly as you wish. And whatever problems there are go deeper than just enabling his wife, because otherwise he should have been able to provide at least a little support during his visit to you without her. Maybe after you're in a better place you can explore your relationship with him but right now you are full up.

escapingman · September 28, 2022, 11:06:38 AM

Thanks for your replies.

JKT, I am worried for DD and how she can be so lazy or thoughtless or what it is. She can literally open the fridge door and get out the milk, poor a glass of milk and then leave the door still open and the milk bottle on the counter. I am trying to encourage her but she gets very defensive if I mention anything.

Square, yes I got very hurt and upset by him twice in the summer. I opened up quite a lot and he then just left to go home and leave me to it. When I saw him again he had shared all of that with his spouse who I now know is uNPD, and again left me to it when I sat up boundaries that I didn't want to see him when he had covid. I can't risk him coming and start to talk about things I already processed and is in the past now. He was invited to join my journey but jumped off at the first stop.

escapingman · September 29, 2022, 09:09:27 AM

Had a meeting with school and social a while ago, I am just bewildered about how the social service girl don't get it. Apparently STBX and MIL are telling GC all the time that she need to see me and be in touch. Funny (not) that last time GC past me she looked away and smirked, this was just coming from STBX car. A month ago the SW said GC was almost ready to see me, but then she obviously went back to STBX and everything went in the wrong direction. The SW expressed disappointment in the slow progress and said she had hoped everybody would have been back talking by now. She is trying to flog a dead horse until she realise what STBX and MIL are doing in the background. The annoying thing is that STBX is playing the game and look to be doing everything correct and is not tripping up as I was hoping for. I think MIL is directing her on what to do as STBX is unable to keep any emotions in place, MIL is much sneakier and scarier.

I am trying to move on and not think about STBX or anything she does, I am getting better at this. But I don't think I can heal much more without getting away from the house, it is holding me hostage. There are so many memories and the future and hopes that never happened. Moving out will hopefully be the last thing to leave the fake reality. I want to put the house up for sale but with her not interested to settle at anything except she gets it all it is going to go to court in the end, that will be another mess and supply chain for her. How long will this go on for? It's already a year since I started the process......

losingmyself · September 30, 2022, 10:47:10 AM

Maybe in the absence of you all getting past this and finally talking, the SW will start to ask why questions. I'm going to guess you're certainly willing to see your daughter, but she keeps putting it off. It's not your fault, and maybe she'll start asking why eventually.
I don't know, this just all seems so wrong. Can you go above her head and is there a person who would listen to you and understand?
I feel so bad for all of you. And you know that this mess will go on as long as your ex wants it to. She has control over the situation and she's going to milk it for all she can.
Best wishes to you, EM

escapingman · October 02, 2022, 01:12:35 PM

losingmyself, I think as other has said in the other thread, I need to stay calm and hope that STBX will trip up. I think she is about to do that, she is acting very erratic and tries to put full victimhood charade on. She has cried to both school and the SW that she desperately want to see DD. But at the same time she keep the alienation going with GC and make sure I can't see her. DD has made it crystal clear she will only see STBX if she gets a written apology, the ball is in STBX court. I have no way forward as I haven't even been told why GC refuse to see me. STBX has a pack of lies she can't prove and I have evidence of her abuse. I hope the truth will win in the end, I really do. I will have to stay calm, hope she trips up, and then take it from there.

I feel much better right now, I am letting go but I am not stopping the fight.