What’s the best way to avoid the beginning of an abuse cycle?

[findingmypath]

I've been reading about abuse cycles (emotional and verbal abuse - I'm not in fear of my safety) here and other places.  And I've for the first time in 15 years started to recognize the indicators that my H is about to explode.   He has three stages, and I have corresponding enabilng behavior.  It makes me feel controlled and nerve wracked that I respond to each of his phases like this, and I'm trying to stop, which is why I am asking in this post about how to avoid our next phase. 
His first phase is mean and bullying.  He is always mad.  Has unpredicatable rages.   Behaves very badly.  I run around and try to do everything right and everything for him, I'm timid and acquiescing and hoping to smooth things over until Phase 2.   Which is when things are peaceful.   I'm GR most of the time and don't respond to anything.  H tries to be cute.  Phase 3 is the lead in to Phase 1, and I've gotten very good at seeing the signs.  The first one is feeling sorry for himself - no one talks to him, no one jokes with him, he's totally outside of anything D and I are doing, we treat him like all he is good for is yard work.   Etc.   This is the phase where my hands start shaking, because any day he will explode with a rage.   

And that's where I am today.  He just went through his list of complaints - that we don't do what he says, that he can't say anything, that we do things even though he doesn't want us to (this is specifically taking D to a therapist, which he has opposed vigorously).   Etc.   That means any day, maybe today, he will start with a super mean rage.   

Do you have any advice on how to extract myself from this cycle?   I've read all about detaching.   But how to put it in practice?  I don't want to be at the mercy of this pattern anymore.   

[Cascade]

Sorry I don't know how to stop the abuse cycle but it is good that you recognize it. I experienced this for many years before I realized what it was. I thought it was just the normal ups and downs of marriage.

[sunshine702]

I could not advice on how to stop it either but in my workplace bullying forum we are taught to OBSERVE and FOCUS on other details as the bully starts screaming and belittling -  How many pencils are on the desk.  this is me breathing out for a full five seconds.  We are also taught to go home and SENSORY stuff.  Hot bath.  Tough workout.  Crunchy chips.  Fluffy robe. 

This sort of detachment and body work can help ground you in the whirlwind.

[bat123]

Hi, Finding!  You've taken a big step in beginning to see the cycle for what it is.  Some people exist in these relationships for years and never understand the unhealthy dynamic they are trapped in, and just blame themselves.  Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it, except to minimize the damage by controlling your own responses.  It's a terrible, unnatural way to live.  True healing and freedom really only comes if and when we leave.  But for some people, they will never be able to bring themselves to make that choice.  I've finally gotten myself (after 25 years) to a point where I might be ready to go.  It's only after focusing on my role as a codependent, and lots of individual therapy, that I feel ready to do this.  That was the turning point for me— when I stopped focusing only on his role, and started to also examine my own role in the pattern.  Then I sort of woke up and said to myself— hey, I deserve to live my best life as a healthy and independent person.  I can do this!  Not totally there yet, but getting there.  Good luck to you.

[Empie2204]

Do you have any advice on how to extract myself from this cycle?   I've read all about detaching.   But how to put it into practice?  I don't want to be at the mercy of this pattern anymore.

You might try detaching and find out it brings some minor and superficial positive points.
In the end, it brings further difficulties into an already difficult relationship. PDs can sense everything new happening with their partners and they don´t just sit doing nothing. They try whatever is in their power to bring back the old order of things. In most cases, it could be some new version of manipulation that seduces and lulls into the belief everything will be good.

I am sorry to say, detaching is a step closer to leaving. If you manage to detach, acting un-detached becomes more difficult when the partner´s abuse sails into quieter waters, primarily because of (y)our knowledge about the inevitable repeating of the abuse cycle.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I  learned to make myself scarce at those times.  Eventually he'd blow at someone else and move past that part of the cycle.  Another driver on the road, a co-worker, etc.  I just made sure our kids weren't available to be targets either. 

[Boat Babe]

You can manage yourself and hope to mitigate some of the damage but that is all you can do. You cannot avoid any part of the abuse cycle because you are not the abuser. The abuser is the only person who can choose to abuse, or not. Unless you look that horrible reality straight in the eye then you are just tinkering at the edges. Sorry to be so blunt, this is not meant to hurt you.

You say that you don't want to be at the mercy of this pattern anymore. That is utterly understandable. Your abuser, for that is who your husband is, is responsible for the pattern, not you. Is he going to change? I think you know the answer after 15 years. If he won't/can't change and you have no control over his behaviour, then the next 15 years are going to be just like the last 15 years.

You need to see this with diamond sharp clarity. Otherwise nothing will change. I know it's hard. Hugs.

[notrightinthehead]

I second what Boat Babe wrote. It is a bitter pill to swallow. As long as you believe you have any control over the abuse cycle you are wham! stuck in it and participate. The only way is to drop the rope and grey rock - as suggested above, count the pencils on your desk or specks on your wall,  medium chill, or remove yourself physically from the same space your abuser is in. Go for a walk, to the shops. Take a drive. If there are any children in the house, take them with you.
There is nothing you can say or do that will allow you to control another person's behaviour.

[SweetCaroline]

For me, it's been hard to acknowledge that even though I'm mostly off his emotional roller coaster, he will continue in the cycle (tension, incident, reconciliation, calm). For me, self-care is extremely important especially during tension or incident. I'm not always great at it, but having time away w friends, making sure I take my meds & do my physical therapy (chronic illness, not uncommonly is made worse by narcissistic abuse), attend to basics like getting enough sleep & preparing meals for myself & getting in a shower, etc. Basically, trying to make sure he doesn't get me off my schedule of taking care of myself. I've also learned that I can set a boundary like if he rages at me, that if he is rude, sarcastic, etc, that I won't stay in the conversation- I will end it and walk away. If he follows me around to keep trying to engage me, make threats, whatever, I repeat that I'm not engaging in the conversation and keep walking away. I should really leave the house in those circumstances, but I haven't had the guts to yet. And my keeping walking away and not engaging seemed to finally hit home enough that he usually doesn't follow me as much.  Just be prepared if you try to set any boundaries, that quite often the PD escalates their behavior. So, I got off his emotional rollercoaster by setting boundaries, but the end of the rollercoaster was particularly rough, so to speak. For me, my own counseling was essential to being able to set boundaries and stick to them, and get through the rough phase.