Thoughts about Disney dad / other reasons they still flock to him

[rockandhardplace]

I'm generally getting better at not trying to work him out and instead focus more on me and my kids. But I was reading a short thing about NPD and I'd never thought about the "charming" element working on our kids. Doh. I dunno if maybe by the time I could see the PD he'd lost all of his charm to me, 100%. And he can be so shitty to the kids that I just thought their following him was a mix of wanting to align with the powerful parent and his love being so conditional they need to constantly prove themselves to him. Those are definitely factors but the worse things have got with me, the more his masks slips and his power over me dwindles the more charming he is to the kids.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I could have written that post. 

I have to remind myself that although I am Out of the FOG, my son - our son - is not.  So, he is taken in by all the fake nonsense fun dad stuff.  My son doesn't seem to remember the past 5 promises he made and broke - or that he didn't see him for 2 weeks. 

I want to shake my son awake (he's 18), but then...I get it.   This is his father, he wants to connect to him, spend time with him....if he truly steps Out of the FOG, then it will jeopardize it all.  So sad......

[vanillasea]

 

SAME


It is disgusting to hear how fake he is to them....

My skin crawls....

But my only way not to get upset is to remember how well it worked on me and I was much older than them. And how many years it took me to see through it and get exhausted from the abuse.....now they'll only see him when he is ready for his close up and can use them for supply


I've been told eventuallythey'll see through it. ..  I sure hope so.


It's his new favorite weapon.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Because my son is older - I've tried to have the conversations about paying attention to what people say and then watch what they do.  Regardless of who it is - a friend, girlfriend, teacher, etc.....   trying to encourage him to learn about those around him.  And, how it relates to boundaries - what are people asking of him?  is it fair?  I try to use different people than his father in order to model the thought process.

A friend asked him for a ride - was it fair?  would this friend do the same?  what has the friend done for him?  Does this friend help others or is he a user?

I don't think he's made the connection with his dad, but it gets the conversation started - I might even make up a story about someone just to talk about boundaries.

Actually, one time he did tell his dad no, when his dad wanted him to do something for him.  I was pleased.  My son did say that it's easier to just do what he wants then to deal with his anger or frustrations.

[vanillasea]

Mine are so little. The eldest witnessed more and is more put off... the middle child is more vocal and calls him out but they tell me he claims he was only ever nice to mommy. He is trying to make me look crazy and like he pities me. They've said more than I have and I too am trying to do the same thing you're doing... just help them be equipped but not say too much....because unfortunately these foes are everywhere. I hope your son can break from the FOG someday.... sounds like you're handling it so well.

I weep over it!
And now I see so many people hurting and in similar shoes and I used to have no idea how many strong people are out there...

[rockandhardplace]

A few years ago my son was the sg his older sister the gc. His dad bullied him with his sister. I was exhausted trying to stop her but I was actually blind to the fact she was copying her dad so how can I expect them to see it? He has such a domineering presence that comes across at first as knowledgeable. My son was scared of him, he used to tease him in a nasty way when he was scared of things - like scary rides or choppy seas. I used to protect him as much as possible to stop his dad forcing him into things he wasn't ready for. So many things he got into with time and patience. From me. He'd call him lazy for wetting the bed. And now he's the new gc it's like he's forgotten what a shit he was to him. I know we have to be the bigger person for our kids and be ready to catch them when they fall / pd pushes them and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being boring but reliable. The thing that gets me is I don't know how much UPDh is bad mouthing me behind my back. He did it right in front of me for years and he tries to use them against me all the time but I don't know what happens behind my back. I've tried to talk about thinking critically and be aware that some people lie just to hurt others but I think it's too abstract for them to connect the dots. He definitely caused issues with my eldest and now my son is changing and becoming distant and I don't know how much is normal teen stuff or too much time with dad?

[Kat54]

All of these responses are so on the mark with a NPD dad/parent who is the fun pied piper, who showered them with gifts and trips.

My kids are in their twenties now and they have come Out of the FOG mostly. I think they need to appease him and keep him happy but my daughter and him are definitely not getting along. She sees his lying and false promises as being manipulative. And she also goes after him from the verbal abuse she has endured throughout her childhood. He will yell at her and she either ignores him or call him out on stuff, and basically gives it back at him. Sometimes they are not speaking to each other. It's still not healthy for her and pray she will move out soon. I've offered her to live with me but it's too far from her friends and won't do that.
Through my sister who is next door to them she's told her cousins she can't wait to move out. Just has to get through nursing school.

Son works with him so it's different but he's also moved out recently and he's like a different person. He doesn't say much but he's really distanced himself from his father.

I've come to realize they view me as the stronger parent, who is much more stable. They are very close to my family, which has helped them tremendously in knowing they are loved even though I'm not there like I used to be.
My ex's family, there are many but never hear or have any relationship with any of them. Which I'm very thankful for as they are all extremely dysfunctional, thief's, criminals, and drug addicts for the most part.

Hopeful that for you, they will see and know what he really is.