I think this is the worst - they're not "there" any more

[p123]

Got a lot going on at the moment as a lot of people do.....
Son off to college, wife is not that well, lots of relationship problems...

NONE of this I can talk about with Dad. Its like hes not there. If I even mention anything it'll end up being more hassle than its worth. And then it'll be all about him.

Its like not having a Dad any more. I can't talk to him, I can't get help off him, it just makes me sad.

[Boat Babe]

Sorry to hear that life is difficult atm p123. I do hope your wife's health improves quickly (must be a worry) and that you process your empty nest feelings thoroughly so as to move into the next phase of your relationship with your son. Can you find a way to support yourself through these life challenges that don't put pressure on your loved ones ? Therapy? Support group? Journalling? Increased self care?  Life throws us some tricky and sometimes traumatic curve balls and none of us are exempt. Not having sympathetic patents make that whole "shit happens" scenario that much harder.

What I see behind the words of your post is a little boy who is very hurt and confused by his father's dysfunction. It's a cry of pain my dear. This is the moment to do some inner child work. Go to that need within yourself and meet that need as the excellent adult you have now become. You can father yourself now. 

[p123]

Sorry to hear that life is difficult atm p123. I do hope your wife's health improves quickly (must be a worry) and that you process your empty nest feelings thoroughly so as to move into the next phase of your relationship with your son. Can you find a way to support yourself through these life challenges that don't put pressure on your loved ones ? Therapy? Support group? Journalling? Increased self care?  Life throws us some tricky and sometimes traumatic curve balls and none of us are exempt. Not having sympathetic patents make that whole "shit happens" scenario that much harder.

What I see behind the words of your post is a little boy who is very hurt and confused by his father's dysfunction. It's a cry of pain my dear. This is the moment to do some inner child work. Go to that need within yourself and meet that need as the excellent adult you have now become. You can father yourself now. 

Thanks BB - to be honest I have had many issues over the years mental health wise..... Im always sure a lot of this is due to my upbringing......
Even years ago I never ever told Dad this. If you remember hes one of the "pull your socks up" brigade...... So telling him is the worse thing I could do.

many thanks for the kind words.

[NarcKiddo]

Hugs.

I totally recommend therapy - and I have always been a bit dubious about it. Partly because my mother drummed it into us never to talk to anyone and said all therapists are charlatans.

I've recently found a good online platform which suits me well. I prefer written word and there is an option to do face to face zoom - I am trying that out for the first time later this week. It saves travelling and I also am not sure I could face weeping face to face in someone's office.

As far as your dad is concerned, I agree with the suggestion to do some inner child work. A therapist could help with that.

I hope your problems ease up soon and that you can find a way through them.

As for not having a Dad "any more" - this may sound harsh, but did you ever? Have a Dad you could talk to and get help off, I mean. It doesn't sound like you ever did but have come to that realisation as an adult. It is a horrid realisation, and painful to work through. It does sound like you are missing what you never had, though, rather than what you once had. The main thing is you realise that telling him will only hinder you, so at least you are not making the mistake of telling him and then getting hurt even more.

[p123]

Hugs.

I totally recommend therapy - and I have always been a bit dubious about it. Partly because my mother drummed it into us never to talk to anyone and said all therapists are charlatans.

I've recently found a good online platform which suits me well. I prefer written word and there is an option to do face to face zoom - I am trying that out for the first time later this week. It saves travelling and I also am not sure I could face weeping face to face in someone's office.

As far as your dad is concerned, I agree with the suggestion to do some inner child work. A therapist could help with that.

I hope your problems ease up soon and that you can find a way through them.

As for not having a Dad "any more" - this may sound harsh, but did you ever? Have a Dad you could talk to and get help off, I mean. It doesn't sound like you ever did but have come to that realisation as an adult. It is a horrid realisation, and painful to work through. It does sound like you are missing what you never had, though, rather than what you once had. The main thing is you realise that telling him will only hinder you, so at least you are not making the mistake of telling him and then getting hurt even more.

Yeh maybe it is something to look at.....

Know what you mean and you're right. Looking bad hes always been like this to a certain degree.

[LemonLime]

p123,
I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I agree that inner child work is called for.

I am doing work around my uPDsib on Byron Katie's website.   I'm doing what she calls The Work daily, with one worksheet per day.   It took me about 30 minutes to do the first worksheet and now only takes me about 15 minutes per day, since I've learned the steps better now (it's the same 4 steps over and over).   There are examples of how to do it on the website.  It's been very very good for me.   You can do The Work about any subject that is bothering you.   And if you're not ready to do it yourself, you can watch Byron Katie doing the worksheet with audience members at her retreat.  It's fascinating and healing to watch people actually transform their whole demeanor during the exercise.  In a good way!!

"My father should be there for me" would be a perfect subject for The Work.

In any case, hugs to you and please treat yourself well.   

[moglow]

As for not having a Dad "any more" - this may sound harsh, but did you ever? Have a Dad you could talk to and get help off, I mean. It doesn't sound like you ever did but have come to that realisation as an adult. It is a horrid realisation, and painful to work through. It does sound like you are missing what you never had, though, rather than what you once had. The main thing is you realise that telling him will only hinder you, so at least you are not making the mistake of telling him and then getting hurt even more.

This. It is painful when it seems the parents you thought you had really aren't there, not in the way we've somehow come to think of as parents. It's like we formed an idea what parents are like and ours aren't anywhere on that continuum. Mine has pretty much always been absent if not openly neglectful, yet I didn't recognize it in her until much later in life. Yours seems more needy, and I've wondered if that's "new" or if he's always been that way.

[p123]

As for not having a Dad "any more" - this may sound harsh, but did you ever? Have a Dad you could talk to and get help off, I mean. It doesn't sound like you ever did but have come to that realisation as an adult. It is a horrid realisation, and painful to work through. It does sound like you are missing what you never had, though, rather than what you once had. The main thing is you realise that telling him will only hinder you, so at least you are not making the mistake of telling him and then getting hurt even more.

This. It is painful when it seems the parents you thought you had really aren't there, not in the way we've somehow come to think of as parents. It's like we formed an idea what parents are like and ours aren't anywhere on that continuum. Mine has pretty much always been absent if not openly neglectful, yet I didn't recognize it in her until much later in life. Yours seems more needy, and I've wondered if that's "new" or if he's always been that way.

Do you know what the older I get and look back in the past the more I see it to be honest....

[1footouttadefog]

I am sorry your Dad can ot or will not be there for you.  It's healthy that you are recognizing this as a fact.  Accepting it is another thing.

I can say from experience that accepting who he is and who he is not will help and bring you to a place that hurts less, and brings less disappointment.

I found that getting involved in a couple of hobby groups was useful for me.  It turns out there is some overlao between what I deal with at home and what other deal with.  We don't spend huge time talking about it, but it's nice to know I am hanging out with people who understand.  We can exchange just a few simple sentences and know where each other are at with their challenges.  Then we can enjoy other topics and talk shop so to speak. 

Amazingly most seem to not be PD people, although I suspect one is. 

[practical]

Its like not having a Dad any more. I can't talk to him, I can't get help off him, it just makes me sad.

For me it was about not being able to be myself. I had to filter what I could say, like you, having problems wasn't an option. It wasn't that I would have expected help, advice or anything, he was old. What I did hope for was the normal interest of a parent in their child. What would that have looked like for me? He would have listened, been interested, I could have talked not only about good, cheerful things. Instead I had like an Internal rating system of what I could or could not tell him. There were those things like you mention, where it would come back to bite me, where it would become about him, and then there were those things, that I knew he wouldn't be interested and I would get hurt due to his disinterest. It was as if talking to a child where you figure out what is age appropriate as a parent.

It is endlessly sad not to be seen, not to be able to show all of you to your Dad. This feeling is part of grieving, grieving a parent you most likely never had.

[p123]

Its like not having a Dad any more. I can't talk to him, I can't get help off him, it just makes me sad.

For me it was about not being able to be myself. I had to filter what I could say, like you, having problems wasn't an option. It wasn't that I would have expected help, advice or anything, he was old. What I did hope for was the normal interest of a parent in their child. What would that have looked like for me? He would have listened, been interested, I could have talked not only about good, cheerful things. Instead I had like an Internal rating system of what I could or could not tell him. There were those things like you mention, where it would come back to bite me, where it would become about him, and then there were those things, that I knew he wouldn't be interested and I would get hurt due to his disinterest. It was as if talking to a child where you figure out what is age appropriate as a parent.

It is endlessly sad not to be seen, not to be able to show all of you to your Dad. This feeling is part of grieving, grieving a parent you most likely never had.

Yeh its exactly like that - there are more and more things I just don't tell him any more.....

Mostly because he'll either make some stupid comment or he'll use it to his advantage somehow.

Hes 2 jobs behind on where my wife works. It suits me that she works there lol (her current job is on the road and she often drives near his house - he'd expect her to drop in all the time). Same with my son with Aspergers - hes way better just gone off to college. I daren't tell Dad that or he'd be expecting me to have loads of free time now.

I visited last week and I'd say 95% of the conversation was how ill he was, how he was struggling etc and 5% was just a "how are the family".

[practical]

I visited last week and I'd say 95% of the conversation was how ill he was, how he was struggling etc and 5% was just a "how are the family".

To which the answer ideally is "Great, everything is fine." - never mind what the situation really is, because at least for me that was the expected answer, quick and easy. It was also the safer answer from my side, it avoided all chances of getting hurt in unexpected ways.

Sorry again, it sucks.