Learning where I fit in the common behaviors

[Prototypian]

I took a break from the forum and the questions of "why does she do ... xyz?" and I spent some time on myself at the recommendation of my therapist.  None of this is a specific recommendation for anyone here as we all have circumstances, degrees of friend, family and loved one PD behaviors and I don't know your situation.   My spouse is undiagnosed severe OCPD and the actions have been looked at by my counselors and therapist.  I'm lucky to have that level of professional help.   Here is what I learned from focus on myself and paying diligent attention to how I interact:

1) I can choose medium chill and to distance myself at any time.   In effect, the escalations nearly always occur in the same manner. My reaction can either increase my stress to her level or have a slightly evelated bit of concern, recognize what is going on and simply disappear.   I'm fortunate to have that luxury.   I've noticed that my teen daughter has taken the same cues and the issue is left to the PD.  So for anything that is not unsafe or could cause injury that I did not directly cause with either bad intent or with clear negligence that resulted in harm, the problem is hers to be upset about.

2) I can call the PD out in a calm and immediate way that "I feel harmed or degraded by her behavior towards me.and I will not allow it" anytime she: A) degrades me or humiliates me in public, B) refuses to allow me to make decisions that do not have potential harm or bad impact on others or C) prevents me from enjoying normal, healthy positive activities within the socal mores and norms of family and community life.

This means I'm ok to recycle things that are mine or are trash.  I can go for a jog around the neighborhood without a set of 20 questions.  I can purchase clothes or things for my office if the family budget is not adversely impacted without the need to have the items approved or reviewed below a reasonable threshold, I don't have to accept her interrupting me in community gatherings. I can cook dinner or foot or bake things without review especially if she is not involved. And I can decorate my own space, choose what I enjoy and approve of and clean surfaces, windows ,dishes, wash my clothes, dry them however I want to and send my own thank you notes without the need for any input beyond casual conversation.   I have not let myself be criticized and the medium chill response and lack of interaction has upset her but not casued nearly as.much stress for me.

Finally I have started setting my own reasonable rules.   Neither the PD spouse nor the kids can drop their trash/clutter on the space used for food prep and meal serving.   I'm not mean and if they refuse to adjust because of an emergency I move their things to a different place..  the kids have actually learned.   The pd spouse does want her emergenices to trump the normal request and expectations and I don't get upset.   I simply let her know that I know she is going, I'll put this on her desk for her and will be very careful with it.   

I'm in a fortunate situation that I have income, time and help to sort through these activities.   What I've seen is that my own emotional health is much better when I stopped asking why and started reacting in positive ways to the behaviors.   I was completely fixated on "why does she do this..." But the behavior may not have a why or the why may be irrational.   

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations!

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I'm so impressed!!! Six hundred twenty five cheers for you!!!

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so glad you returned to share this with us, and even more glad to hear of your progress.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for sharing this. Hurray for you!

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jsinjin, as someone who has trouble managing the fear of upsetting my spouse, if you had any insight on how you managed to push past it and to cope with the feared reaction, it would be greatly appreciated by me and no doubt others as well.

[SeaBreeze]

Awesome update! Thanks for sharing, and good luck as you continue forward. 

[hhaw]

Well done, j!!!

A good mental health professional can clue you into what's normal and what's not real quick.

They also support and bolster your journey and beleif in yourself and your right to be OK too.

I'm so pleased to read this update!!!!

Whoo hoo, YES.

[Prototypian]

Answered in the "working on us" section of the forum

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Answered in the "working on us" section of the forum

I can't seem to find the thread. Do you have a link?

[Lauren17]

This is a fantastic update!
Well done!