10 Year Review

[Associate of Daniel]

It's roughly a month shy of the 10 year anniversary of my uNPD exH leaving.  I thought I'd note the differences between where I was then and where I am today.

Positives In no particular order:
1.  My relationship with God has deepened as I've leaned into His care, realising that I can't and don't have to control everything. My Bible reading is more regular and my historical understanding of its chronology has improved.  I'm scared to think where I'd be without Jesus.

2. My relationship with my ds15 is very strong.  I was shattered when he left to live with his uNPD father and uNPD Smother 2 and half years ago, but he now wants to try living 50/50 with me as opposed to every 2nd weekend. He is a wonderful teenager.  I'm so grateful to have him in my life, especially when I consider how things could have gone having uPDs in his life.

3.  I'm still single.  I've not dated anyone since UNPD exH left.  I went through the silly school girl stage for about 18 months (Maybe he's my next husband.  Or maybe I'll meet him tomorrow etc.).  I went through the all men are b!@#$%^s stage for a few years.  Went through a few very rough periods of loneliness. Now I seem to have settled to a contentment with my single status.  After all, I'm 52.  I literally know no single men my age and the chances of meeting anyone now are minimal.

4.  I'm financially set, as much as I can be on the income I'm capable of earning.  I have no debt, I have a fully funded emergency fund and am starting to be able to afford repairs to my house.  Retirement savings are minimal but kind of on the way.   My will was made several years ago when ds15 was young. I need to update it.

5.  Healthwise I'm fairly good.  I lost a lot of weight last year and feel all the better for it.  I could lose a little more but I'm ok with where I'm at.  I've started seeing the dentist regularly.  (Financially it wasn't an option while we were married and for several years afterwards.) I'm paying more attention to my hair and the fit of my clothes.

6. Self care - a big improvement this year as I changed the time layout of my 2 Jobs (down from 4 jobs since Covid).  I now have a far simpler week layout with more regular hours and less to do at home after work.  More time to manage my house and health.  I'm enjoying using my antique dishes, listening to lovely music in the background and sitting by the fire at night.

7.  Responses to uNPDs - they don't affect me as much anymore.  I don't lose sleep over them nearly as much.  I no longer keep looking at my phone in case they've emailed.  My interactions with them are minimal.  The ruminating has almost ceased.  Of course it ebbs and flows but on the whole my emotions and actions regarding them are far more stable.

I never imagined 10 years ago that I'd be where I'm at today.  I remember the days (years) in the fog.  I remember my anger.  I remember my pain.  I remember my fear. I remember my hatred, particularly of Ds's uNPD smother.  I never want to go back to any of that.

Things that sill need work - in no particular order:

1. Find a way to stop giving in to uNPD exH's manipulations.  There are a few niggly demands of his that I obey on a fortnightly basis to enable ds to come to me on the court ordered times without drama. 

2. Find a way to open ds to the idea of going to a different school. His current school doesn't offer the subjects he's interested in.  His uNPD father refuses to let him go to a private school, or a religious school or to sit for scholarship exams.  Ds15 is very capable and quite smart but he doesn't want to rock the boat with his uNPD father.  Time is running short.

3. Get to a point of not fearing being in the presence of ds15's uNPD smother.  Thankfully the times when we'd be near each other are fewer now that he is older.  But I'm still making excuses not to go, or hiding behind poles etc when I do.

4. Stop my negative self talk.  Ironically not anything to do with the uPDs.  More because I come from a family of extremely high intelligence and high achievers.  I didn't receive that gene.  I'm the boring and dumb spinster aunt and younger sister. So each time I think of something I'd like to do or try, I talk myself out of it within seconds.

5. Set up retirement saving properly and renew my will.

6. Decide whether or not to actively pursue a relationship. Whilst I'm content, I do wonder if I'm doing the wrong thing by not "putting myself out there".

7. Continue to repair my house.  So much needs to be done.

So, thanks to God, and to all of you here on Out of the FOG, this is where I'm at.  There's hope, folks.

Thanks for reading.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

AoD, what a wonderful update in SO many ways.   Wow, what tremendous progress and mindful awareness on both the positives and work still in progress.  Love it!  Congratulations in a huge way! 

SoT

[practical]

Absolutely amazing! Such wonderful achievements. The best inheritance you are passing on doesn't need a will: your example of coming Out of the FOG.

[Amadahy]

I love this!  Yay, you!!! 

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you all for your lovely replies.

I've been thinking I'd like to commemorate the occasion in some way.  Initially I thought I'd book myself in to a restaurant for a meal. But in my mind, restaurants are for happy occasions, not an anniversary of something bad or sad.

Maybe a coffee (hot chocolate) and cake in a nice cafe?  Then I realised that I'd rather be where there is no one else, so that I can quietly reflect. 

So I think I'll head up to the hills again. My happy place.  With a cake and iced coffee.  Maybe visit somewhere from my childhood.

I remember many years ago thinking that 5 years was enough for healing and for being single.  Now I see I'm in a far better place at the 10 year mark than I was at 5 years.  I'm so thankful.  Not just for me but for ds.

God knew.  God is good.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

"So I think I'll head up to the hills again. My happy place.  With a cake and iced coffee.  Maybe visit somewhere from my childhood."

AoD, that sounds lovely. I like both cake and iced coffee and the hills are surely a place of comfort for me as well.  Since I will actually be in the hills tomorrow, I will make myself an iced coffee in camaraderie with you as a Out of the FOG friend and celebration of your 10 years.  Cheers to you! 

I have told myself that upon future significant timespan-anniversaries that are PD related, i may return to travel related place(s) in my past that were originally planned for enjoyment, but were negatively affected by PD behaviors and I will visit them again solo.  Like a hard-drive, overwriting the old memory with new positive experiences.  I have a few in mind.

I wish you joy and peace up in the hills with your iced coffee!  Congratulations on all the good things you mentioned and with your good goals ahead. 

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, SoT.   I hope you enjoyed your time in the hills yesterday.

It's interesting that you mentioned planning to visit places that were previously tainted by the pd experience.

A few years before Covid, I took myself away for a night for a much needed break.  I decided to stay in a small mountain township a little over an hour's drive from home.  My decision was based on the township having been completely decimated several years earlier by bushfires.  I wanted to support the town which had lost almost every building as well as the lives of many of its residents.

When I arrived at the place I was to stay, I realised that at some point during our marriage, my uNPD exH and I had stayed at this very place.  It was a cottage on a beautiful farm property.  I had not realised it when I booked it.

I was completely overwhelmed and almost turned around to drive all the way home. However, I stayed.  I spent an hour or so after I arrived wandering the property in tears, crying to God, "Why did you bring me here?  I don't want to be here."  I was a real sooky la la.

However, God had a lesson for me:  At that time all of my memories of my marriage were tainted with pd-ness. This stay in the unwanted location made me realise that not all of the time I spent with uNPD exH were bad.  And not all of the bad times were seriously bad.

I needed that lesson at that time.

I don't know that I'll deliberately seek out opportunities to revisit places that I went with uNPD exH.  But I guess things like that are helpful in the healing journey.

I like your analogy of it being like overwriting a hard drive!

All the best.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

AoD,

I surely did enjoy the hills and I raised an ice coffee in your honor. It was delicious. 😊. Thanks for sharing that fascinating story.  Yes, i will also have to revisit some of my fave places where I had great times with my stbx and not overwrite those, but add onto, in a different solo experience.  Maybe even explore those good places in ways that suit my style vs the past ways we did together, adding even more depth to the exploration of that destination. 

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

So today was the day - the 10 year anniversary of UNPD exH leaving.

It shall henceforth be known as "Custard Day". 🤣

It did not go according to plan.  No iced coffee and cake in the hills unfortunately.

First, ds15 was unexpectedly with me, staying an extra few days due to a possibility of him having Covid.(Thankfully he doesn't.)

2nd, a friend kindly took me to brunch, not knowing it was the anniversary.

3rd, it was raining and cold. Not great for a visit to the hills.

So, to feel better about procrastinating about sorting paper clutter, I emptied my pantry of some out of date food stuffs.

An old pasta sauce jar that had been used to store custard powder for far too many years is now on its way out of the house.

The pasta sauce jar is one of many my uNPD exH liked to use to store various food stuffs.

It was nice to have something tangible of his to purge, even after all these years.

Emotionally I was fine during the day except for one fleeting wobbly moment.  I'm not sure what thoughts brought it on. (Not custard)

It's currently school holidays so I may still find time to head to the hills in the next few days.

But for now, Custard Day is over.

Thanks all.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

So today was the day - the 10 year anniversary of UNPD exH leaving.

It shall henceforth be known as "Custard Day". 🤣

It did not go according to plan.  No iced coffee and cake in the hills unfortunately.

First, ds15 was unexpectedly with me, staying an extra few days due to a possibility of him having Covid.(Thankfully he doesn't.)

2nd, a friend kindly took me to brunch, not knowing it was the anniversary.

3rd, it was raining and cold. Not great for a visit to the hills.

So, to feel better about procrastinating about sorting paper clutter, I emptied my pantry of some out of date food stuffs.

An old pasta sauce jar that had been used to store custard powder for far too many years is now on its way out of the house.

The pasta sauce jar is one of many my uNPD exH liked to use to store various food stuffs.

It was nice to have something tangible of his to purge, even after all these years.

Emotionally I was fine during the day except for one fleeting wobbly moment.  I'm not sure what thoughts brought it on. (Not custard)

It's currently school holidays so I may still find time to head to the hills in the next few days.

But for now, Custard Day is over.

Thanks all.

AOD

Love it!  Custard Day! 😂.  Hope the future hills are enjoyable.

SoT

[JustKeepTrying]

I love it all!!!  Custard Day!!!