Getting worn down/when was your "I have to divorce" moment.

[blahblah]

Long story short: married 15 years 2 kids. (11 and 13 years old)
Wife has anxiety and bpd traits.
The anxiety is fine, in our relationship, but the bpd traits are *not*. They are what is causing clashes etc.
Usual stuff: Her interpreting a situation/word in the worst way possible and blaming me. Can almost never hear my side of things, without going even deeper into sadness/anger.

She has worked a lot on herself. She has changed for the better (things were completely insane in the past). But things have not gotten good enough.
She is worn down and I am worn down.
2 months ago she was suicidal and it has affected me a lot (and her of course). I am having difficulty staying motivated to do anything work related. I usually love my work. It's just super tough going through al this crap.
I am so sick and tired of her not taking responsibility for her actions/interpreting things completely wrong.
Before my marriage I was super positive and happy (yes, of course anyone get's worn down from normal adult responsibility and marriage, but this is an extra load).
I have worked a lot on myself the past 6 years or so. Integrated my shadow stuf much more (Carl Jung stuff). Tried to live by stoic principles, which can pretty much be boiled down to "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference".
I have been focusing more and more on me. Because years back, I realized I was broken and enabling the bad stuff that was happening in our relationship. I was a part of the problem (and still is to some extent).
I also wanted to be strong enough to let my wife go some day, without deep anxiety. The removal of that seperation anxiety, would enable me to not be afraid each day and just live. No matter the cost.
I have, to some extent, succeeded.
Yes, it will be horrible if we are not together, but I will get over it etc.
My primary concern is for the kids of course. I have been the main source of caring/tenderness for the kids for many years (I don't mind, I love my kids and i'm a very affectionate father).

I have decided to give it a year. And if things do not get better, I will have to go my own ways. (even though, right now I just feel like leaving).

Yesterday, I talked to my wife's sister on the phone. My wife has 2 sisters. One of them is diagnosed with the same thing as my wife. I spoke to the non-diagnosed sister (she has no symptoms and can easily see things clearly). It was great to talk to her and get her perspective on their upbringing. She basically said that she could not recognize any real emotional hurt/neglect going on in their homes. She could not understand where her sisters where coming from etc  (She is the youngest sister, so there could also be family dynamics, which weren't present when she was born of course). But it just set this whole "victim" thing in a perspective. Maybe my wife experienced a bad childhood, but it really wasn't that bad. The way she experiences "bad" things from me (when they are not bad at all), is incredible and I just can't help to think that she is somehow painting her childhood a lot more black than it was.
It helps me to not see her as a victim of circumstances, but see her as someone who *has* to change, in order to be someone to be around.
It was just small "light bulp" moment for me, where I distanced myself from all my wifes perceived pain in her life. God knows, she is good a perceiving it!

I have a pit in my stomach every day, from being slightly "on edge". Though it has gotten smaller than it was, just a year ago. When we are fighting and I just don't care about my wife, the knot/pit completely goes away and i am just happy. Truly and deeply happy (as I used to be). I want that back. I have to have that feeling back. No matter the cost.

What was the thing that turned on your proverbial light bulb? The "I have to divorce my partner" moment? Or at least a step on the way? What were the small and large moments? I just want to be strong enough, to not care about her ups and downs. After her being suicidal, I just can't be on that roller coaster anymore. It's destroying me.

Please share.

Thanks, and greetings from Denmark

[escapingman]

What was the thing that turned on your proverbial light bulb? The "I have to divorce my partner" moment? Or at least a step on the way? What were the small and large moments? I just want to be strong enough, to not care about her ups and downs. After her being suicidal, I just can't be on that roller coaster anymore. It's destroying me.

I really feel for you, my STBX acted very similar to what you describe. I spend way to many hours trying to figure out if she was had BPD or NPD but in the end that doesn't matter as long as they hurt us. My final straw was about 2.5 years ago when she unprovoked decided to get a chocolate cake out of the fridge and throw it all over the kitchen and blame me for taking to long eating the main course making her have to wait for the cake. I was already on the ropes but that was when I checked out of the marriage, it took me a further 2 years until I finally filed for divorce and another 4 months until I got her out of the house.

Good luck, but if you have decided, there is no reason to wait another year. You know it won't get that much better, if at all. You just get yourself further down the pit.

[bat123]

Hi, blahblah.  You've been through a lot, I'm sorry.  I've struggled with the decision to leave for years.  I have finally gotten to a point where I now think I'm really doing it.  What pushed me over the edge was something my husband did a few months ago, after my father-in-law died.  He was ranting and raving at me for weeks because my parents decided not to attend the funeral.  (My parents are in their 70s and it would have required a flight to another state.  They regretfully declined to attend but sent flowers and well wishes.). Anyway, my husband took it as a huge sign of disrespect that they didn't attend, and badgered me endlessly about why I hadn't persuaded them to come.  I tried to explain and defend my parents (and my) position, which of course is never a good idea.  Apparently he felt I said something inaccurate, and suddenly he whipped out his phone and proceeded to play a recording that he'd made (without my knowledge) of us talking a few week's prior.  Apparently this recording showed that I was now contradicting something I'd said to him previously on the matter.  He played the recording and then gleefully chanted, "you lied!  You lied!" over and over.  Apparently he records our conversations frequently, just so he can show if I'm ever lying or changing my story.  At that moment, I was done.  Not surprisingly, he's now playing the victim, and telling me how heartless I was to threaten divorce when he was grieving his father.

[hhaw]

bb:

I don't know how your children are handling all this chaos and conflict, but I'd likely take a real hard look at what was best for them....
leaving or staying......
and look at the choices available from every single direction, consider my support systems, what evidence I have to show cause for a Court to give me full custody and protect the children during visitation with an unstable PD mother.

You stay..... and your children have a very narrow experience of what a family IS.  What marriage and love SHOULD be. 

If you leave, you have the chance to show your children something other than what they've come to understand is "normal" family life, IME.

That's why I left my ASPD N.... I simply couldn't raise our daughters that way.  The choices weren't good..... NO GOOD CHOICES for a very long time, but at least you'll have a chance to model something else... something healthier and safer and consistent.

I guess you choose the least harmful path and mitigate trauma..... find a good trauma informed therapist for your children.... make sure you have sole control over schools and medical decisions... which is why you need evidence to convince a Judge to give you those decision making powers.

Question... did you have your wife assessed when she threatened suicide?  Calling 911 when and if she threatens will give you evidence you need to show a Judge the children's reality.  Threatening suicide has consequences and is a cry for help, IME.  Maybe it would lead to your wife getting more help?  I don't know, but I wish the best for you and your family.

Good luck

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

My actual tipping point was when I saw  2 text messages -  I was fairly certain that my husband stole money from our elderly neighbor and another text when he was trying to met up with a dog sitter specifically without me.  Again - these were events that just opened the flood gates and I was 100% Out of the FOG.  I think once that truly happens, it's hard to live with and even think about staying in the marriage.

A very close, younger friend has stage 4 cancer.  Her struggles made me realize that we really do only have one life here on Earth.  That's it - I don't get a do-over because I married an abusive PD.  So, I wanted to live my life.

It was a hard year, but worth every step - moved out in Feb, sold house in March, divorce final in Aug.  As hard as it was, I knew that I was doing this for me and my son.  So, it made it easier.  And, I got control of my life back. 

[Kat54]

I really feel for you blahblah, the cost to your happiness and mental health takes it's toll.
Probably the most defining moment came actually early in our marriage, about 10 years in but didn't divorce until 23 years of marriage. I kept thinking if I could get this right and keep him happy it would be good enough for me.
It was the holidays and my ex never did well at holidays, very high stress and anxiety in appearing as a perfect family. It was Easter and getting ready for church with the kids, he was getting very explosive yelling at all of us, that's all I remember.

But I said something that put him into a rage and he snapped. He grabbed me by the arm and started shaking and screaming at me. I was afraid he was going to hit me but he didn't and he never did in our marriage. The kids were standing there also frightened. I had a big ring bruise around my arm. I stared at it everyday after until it faded....The rest of the day was a blur and just wanted it to end. But I also knew then that this marriage will likely end. I didn't give up quite yet on my marriage but worked hard always and stayed loyal to him. it was the one defining moment that his true self came out. Deep down I knew but still thought this could work.

Spent the next 12 years ok but constantly criticized and yelled at, never good enough, lots of drama and all about him, widdeling down my self worth.

Be good to yourself, only you can change how you feel and what will make you happy. Post divorce two years, and no regrets, love the peace I have.