Embracing Gentle, Drama Free Endings

[bloomie]

Hi Out of the FOG friends. I have been finding the work of Nedra Tawwab so helpful and wanted to share this particular blog post. Something that I have grappled with is the idea that there is a middle ground between ghosting and confrontation when a relationship ends. I am still a big work in progress when it comes to emotionally embracing and understanding endings.

I found Tawwab's blog post around Gentle Endings logical, compassionate, and validating. For many of us here, a gentle ending was not possible. There was an abrupt end to a once cherished, or still cherished, relationship. Something I find it particularly hard to process and work through.

Having experienced that abrupt ending with a sibling  I find it makes the gentle ending or shifting of a once close relationship hard to not overthink and ruminate on.  I have a dear family member who is not reciprocal. I do 99% of the initiating and engaging to which she responds. I have realized recently how superficial and distant the relationship has become. This paragraph from the post sums it up for me:

There are ways to gently walk away from a relationship that is neither abrupt nor aggressive. Maybe an event happens, nothing catastrophic, but something that shifts the way we interact, like a move, and there is an understanding between us and the other person that our relationship is forever changed. In these instances, we can leave the relationship without having to explain ourselves or get to the bottom of it.

https://nedratawwab.bulletin.com/embracing-gentle-drama-free-endings

I have been keeping a connection alive that this family member has long ago not shown an interest in. And I didn't see that in part, because I love her a lot and don't want to lose her and to be fair to myself, her words always tell me how much I mean to her, how much she loves me, but her actions are out of sync with her words. And they have been for a very long time.   

I hope others find this helpful for those types of confusing endings.

[SonofThunder]

Thanks for sharing Bloomie!   I look forward to reading over the link and applying it to my relationships!  Wishing you the best as well. ☺️

SoT

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Bloomie and others,

I liked that article as well. One thing I had to learn was that sometimes, our friendships or connections, even with family members, will fade away because the next 'level' of relating is only really desired by one side.

Whether we realize it or not, I think that throughout adulthood, we negotiate the level of intimacy we're willing to engage in with the various people around us. I like that the article lists several life events that can be factors here. For example, a person moving or taking a new job. They may not have the time for their relationships, and it isn't personal - they have life circumstances that reduce how much energy they put into their friendships or family relationships. They fade away from others, because of these changes in their life.

Personally I have started to realize that a lot of people are more comfortable being on the receiving end of a good friendship, than they are with being able to offer those things to another. They will be ok with a situation where we make the plans and seek them out for a get together, but they won't be the one to reciprocate and make plans when it is their 'turn'.

The more personal growth work we do with ourselves, the more we want to experience that reciprocity. We might then fade away from friendships or situations where the other person is not really doing much to connect with us.

That being said, it's really important to pay attention to the people in our life who really like being on the receiving end of a good friendship. There are a lot of friendships out there, where only one person is in a good friendship - the other person is doing all the work, and not getting much out of the friendship at all!

We need to look at whether they know how to give as much as they like to receive.

I agree with you, a lot of us here had abrupt endings when we dealt with our FOO dramas, and so these more gentle endings did seem confusing, by comparison.

Trees

[mustard_seed]

Bloomie,

Thank you for sharing this piece on Gentle Endings. I love that the author describes the middle ground, too. We don't have to slam the door or anything... we can just let relationships dissolve or change form in a more natural way.

Hugs to you as you navigate the relationship you described with your family member. It's really painful to love someone and also need to step back for your well-being, when your love and care are not being reciprocated. I hope you are able to find a peaceful mindset with this and give yourself credit for trying as hard as you have.

I am VLC with my sister and I try to "love her from afar" best I can (in quotes because I'm pretty sure I didn't come up with that one myself). I still try to send thoughtful gifts and notes to let her know I love her. I also keep the door cracked, because life can be surprising. But our relationship did not feel mutual for me for a long time and I know it wasn't healthy to continue to be as close as we were.

Sending you peaceful thoughts--
MS