Normal or abnormal childhood experiences? IDK

[desertpine]

I have a diary from my childhood that includes entries from ages 11-20. I recently came across it and began reading through the entries. I felt so sad as I read it. As an adult I now see how I struggled with severe depression and anxiety since I was a little kid. I wrote about times my parents yelled at me, called me names, and compared me to my siblings. I felt hated and misunderstood. In addition to having a genetic predisposition for depression,  I internalized their messages about being a selfish child, an ungrateful child, the one who ruined the family.
I wrote about times that our family would do things in public, like go on trip with other families, and do what seemed like would be fun things. But afterwards in private, I'd be pulled aside by my mom and told how ashamed she was of me, how I embarrassed her, how self-centered I was, how I ruined her family. I was just a kid, trying to do normal kid things - and I never felt loved.
One incident stood out. My sister (the GC) and I were in girl scouts and my mom was one of the leaders. We had a good size troop and went on a camping trip. I was friends with most of the girls in the troop and was having fun hiking with them, hanging out with them. But after the trip, my mom pulled me aside privately and scolded me for embarrassing her; she chastised me for being friends with the other girls in the troop.  She was so ashamed of me that I would no longer be allowed to go on any of the trips that the troop did. My sister, on the other hand, was a source of pride for her because she was friends with a girl in the troop with special needs.
It's been confusing to me because on the surface, it seems great that my mom was so involved that she was  GS leader of our troop. But no one else saw how she evaluated my performance and repeatedly shamed me for embarrassing her. 
Just wondering if others can relate to this kind of narcissism in a mother? And how it contributed to feelings of low self-worth, excessive feelings of guilt and sadness that continues into adulthood?

[Cat of the Canals]

My PDmom was Such a Great Mother on the surface. She volunteered for things. Bragged about her children to anyone who would listen. Paid for music lessons, etc. She did these things for her, though. Not for us.

I had similar experiences to yours. She was (and still is) big on having house guests. The problem is, everything has to be PERFECT. Well, nothing is ever perfect. Cue several days of her snarling and slamming doors because even though she has enlisted the entire household to clean and straighten up the house, it's not PERFECT. And that is obviously our fault.  The second the guests arrive, though, she flips a switch and out comes Happy Mom. Smiling. Gracious. Welcoming. Chill. No one would ever suspect she'd been muttering swear words under her breath 15 seconds before they knocked on the door.

Meanwhile, at choice moments, I am yanked aside when the guests aren't looking and reminded of my duties as the Hostess to the Children. (My younger brother never had these lectures, I can only presume because he was younger and male.) OFFER THEM SOMETHING TO DRINK. ASK IF THEY WANT A SNACK. TAKE THEM TO YOUR ROOM TO PLAY. GO PUT ON A MOVIE. I was, in effect, expected to be a unpaid babysitter to the offspring of her friends for days on end. If I did not sufficiently entertain the children (read: if they went to their parents for ANYTHING), I was pulled aside again and asked what was WRONG with me, why wasn't I making more of an effort? God forbid any of the children get genuinely upset about something! If one of the kiddies stubbed a toe, it was my fault. This started when I was about 8yo.

I remember being so frustrated that all of this was being put on me, but I also didn't know any better, so I'd internalize what my mom said. I guess I wasn't doing a good enough job because I'm not making everyone happy 100% of the time! It's not a big mystery as to how I became a people pleaser...

To make things even more confusing, the moment the guests would leave, she'd shower me with praise. I am so WONDERFUL and such a SAINT for putting up with those little brats! 

[Jolie40]

I wrote about times that our family would do things in public, like go on trip with other families, and do what seemed like would be fun things. I was just a kid, trying to do normal kid things - and I never felt loved.

I can relate as I never felt loved, either.

As for family trips, parents & other kids would go have fun together. I was left out as I got assigned to watch the baby. Shouldn't the adults watch the baby so I could have fun?
One time, they were all at hotel pool together while I watched kid in hotel room. Then they said I could go to pool by myself. I almost drowned as I started panicking when I was in the deep end. I couldn't reach the edge of pool & was splashing around, taking in water, &  kept trying to reach for the pool edge. That was scary.

Another time on a trip, I was stuck outside with dog while they all went inside to tour a place. Once again, didn't seem fair to me & no one took me inside to see the place.

[Boat Babe]

I've been here for about four years and have read so many heartbreaking stories of desperately unhappy, unsafe and abused children. We've all ended up here, trying to make sense of it (you can't) and to rebuild our lives (you can).  The tragedy of shitty childhoods often plays out in shitty adult relationships as well, adding insult to injury. And then there are the mental and emotional health problems that we have to contend with. It really is a shitty deal.

However, we do survive and can go on to thrive. Because we have to work so hard to heal, we become wise and compassionate as a result. It's a long hard road but it does lead to good places, eventually. Sending hugs to you desertpine and everyone else.

[Srcyu]

Our mothers were definitely abnormal.
Like you, I can recall strange interactions with mine. Once, when I was about 11 she took me and a friend on a church bus trip with her. She compared my appearance to that of my friend afterwards. How neat and attractive my friend looked. Well, yes she did - because she had a proper mother who valued her and took care of her properly.
My so-called mother was oblivious to the fact that she spent absolutely no time or money on how I looked.

It's hard to describe how that made me feel because even at that age I knew I had a bad mother. I silently listened to her fault finding and put it straight back down at her feet without her knowing. She would have been unable to cope with any blame and would have neglected me even further as a result.

I simply put up another invisible wall of defence behind which I hid and waited for the miserable years stuck in her company to pass.



milly

[kethartikt0kb00m]

I realized that each time you were doing something you had fun doing like the trips or making friends, that's when you were told that you were doing something wrong like 'embarrassing' her. When this is done to a child young, they might grow up guarded and ready to protect themselves whenever someone tries to do anything nice for them at all. It causes social anxiety around positive experiences and hyper vigilance as well. You are always looking for the 'catch' to the positive side like the negative is right around the corner when there is none.

Take myself for example. When something nice is done for me. I get nervous and uneasy, feeling the need to politely refuse kind gestures even if I actually appreciate it. This is because when I was young, if my parents ever did something for me, they would tell me how lucky i am to receive it and how I don't understand how much they struggle as adults working hard and getting nothing for it while I as a kid just play around and get everything. It would make me feel like I shouldn't accept what they gave me, since they apparently suffered to get it for me. My dad brought me a game console I wanted. I thanked him for it over and over.  I was happy and he saw that and told me " Yeah yeah, you're all happy because you got what you wanted. But I bust my butt working and what do I get?" I would fall silent and he'd say "That's what I thought." I'd walk away still happy that I got what I wanted but I felt like I didn't deserve it anymore. I felt guilty.

We deserve to have good things happen to us. Growing up, guilt followed when something positive happens because of the deep unhealthy programming embedded in us as kids from an early age. We associated good feelings with shame or self gratification with selfishness. Doing things we enjoy now and being mindful that we deserve it helps undo the damage that we sustained during our childhood and remind us we are worth it.

[NotCryingGlitter]

I realized that each time you were doing something you had fun doing like the trips or making friends, that's when you were told that you were doing something wrong like 'embarrassing' her. When this is done to a child young, they might grow up guarded and ready to protect themselves whenever someone tries to do anything nice for them at all. It causes social anxiety around positive experiences and hyper vigilance as well. You are always looking for the 'catch' to the positive side like the negative is right around the corner when there is none.

Take myself for example. When something nice is done for me. I get nervous and uneasy, feeling the need to politely refuse kind gestures even if I actually appreciate it. This is because when I was young, if my parents ever did something for me, they would tell me how lucky i am to receive it and how I don't understand how much they struggle as adults working hard and getting nothing for it while I as a kid just play around and get everything. It would make me feel like I shouldn't accept what they gave me, since they apparently suffered to get it for me. My dad brought me a game console I wanted. I thanked him for it over and over.  I was happy and he saw that and told me " Yeah yeah, you're all happy because you got what you wanted. But I bust my butt working and what do I get?" I would fall silent and he'd say "That's what I thought." I'd walk away still happy that I got what I wanted but I felt like I didn't deserve it anymore. I felt guilty.

We deserve to have good things happen to us. Growing up, guilt followed when something positive happens because of the deep unhealthy programming embedded in us as kids from an early age. We associated good feelings with shame or self gratification with selfishness. Doing things we enjoy now and being mindful that we deserve it helps undo the damage that we sustained during our childhood and remind us we are worth it.

Your insightful posts really make a person think about things in ways they haven't exactly before. Thank you.