NC is a gift and I think she is a Sociopath

[olivegirl]

You know how manipulators act all offended at our reaction to their abuse?

PdMother (I don't know!  Is she Npd? Bpd?  Sociopath?) is very cunning, two-faced, a prolific liar.

Mother left a message for my VVVVVLC sister crying and wailing that I have been a bully and abusive to her!  (Sister forwarded the voicemail to me).

Gotta play the Victim.

She added some specific phrases that are completely untrue.  Other words of rebuke did occur when I was LC. 

Now my mother—in order to bait me—would say some very cruel, racist things that I felt I couldn't just ignore or gray rock.       Now I see it was a trap!  Bait!

Ok, well if I'm a bully then it's a mutually beneficial situation for us to both be NC since I'm soooooooo mean.

I know strictly NC is not listening to blocked voicemails but I succumbed to curiosity. 

Surprise!   

  Mother is begging for me to accept her apology, nobody is perfect, she loves me, I am a wonderful daughter, please call her.

The two messages were left within minutes of each other!!!!!!

Obviously I'm staying NC. 

But really is she more of a sociopath because of her lies, victim-playing, campaign to smear me, attention-seeking?

Oh and then she left another message asking me to help her get pre-approval to purchase a place?

  I see her and she terrifies me.  I have quit my role as the Caretaker/Rescuer Scapegoat.  Thank goodness I moved one thousand miles away but still she is in excellent health and she is determined.

But guilt over being NC?  No way!!!!!!!!!

I'm clinging onto NC for dear life!   

[moglow]

Do not respond do not respond do not respond!! She's playing victim to one while being all nicey nice to you and asking you to do something? NOPE. She's an adult, she can do it. She might even learn something useful in the process - I know I sure did.

[Random suggestion, having done all that a couple years ago myself - She needs to start by checking her credit report, dispute or pay off wherever she can, clean it up and have answers for anything that may be questionable. That's where lenders will start and she might as well pull up her socks and do her part now.]

[Preamble]

I know, right?????    So happy to be out of it.

I think they say that because they assume NC is our manipulation to get something, not self-defence.  Because that is what they would do.

Ok, well if I'm a bully then it's a mutually beneficial situation for us to both be NC since I'm soooooooo mean.

[olivegirl]

Oh Moglow!

I tried advising my parents to clean up their credit   :make a plan, get long term care insurance. 

They decided to be evasive about their finances citing their right to privacy.   

Then I overheard my Queen mother telling my sycophantic father (who has always been a low earner and thus the need to put up this front that they are so wealthy) :

That the best plan is to have no savings, no assets, no insurance so this way they do not have the means to pay for caretakers to come to the house or live in assisted living!!   

Besides if they downsize and start saving and living frugally, what will other people think???   

So when I heard this, I casually appealed to my father to be more pragmatic.  My  Npd father arrogantly informed me he had it all under control and has a financial advisor too!

Great!  I'm off the hook!    

Or so I thought. 

As prolific liars tend to do, I caught my parents in several blatant lies in the years to come regarding their finances and    there is no financial planner and no plan in place!!!!!!

My shady parents are predatory and their plan is the same:  to exploit me so that they live with me and I am to be their 24/7 caretaker, cook and chef!!!!!   

But they divulged that I would be compensated because they are planning on handing over their social security checks to me as payment for services rendered!!   

This is how vile my parents are:  I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago.  Numerous surgeries, chemo, the whole bit.  My parents shamed me, told me nobody can know, then minimized my diagnosis and told me that the doctors are wrong and that I am still fit to be their golden parachute!!      

So yeah, I'm really kinda freaking out.      This has been their plan and only plan for decades.

Thanksgiving is coming and it's gonna ramp up. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh my gosh. I'm really sorry this is how your parents are. Mo is right. Stay the NC course! But you know that. You certainly can't fix that mess. And keeping you as the only golden parachute to the point of denying your cancer really really is next-level insanity. The definition of psychopathy is being out of touch with reality, so yeah, I think you can justly claim that label here if it helps you stay grounded in reality yourself.

[mary_poppins]

'NC is a gift'-you said it yourself. It is a gift and nothing else matters. I so much wish I'd follow in your steps.
Hopefully soon.

Stay strong, we are here for support. PDs never change and yes, they do think that you are being abusive for going NC. It is the worst offense against them.

[olivegirl]

Well, Queen Witch Bpd mother has been calling me every day, leaving voicemail messages because I don't dare pick up! 

It has been 3 months with no contact.

First it was:  "Whhhhhhhhy?  What happened??  We have no idea."

Then it became threatening:  "You are destroying this family.  You are doing this to feel powerful."

Today it became: "Ok, we are soooo sorry for pushing you to have us move in.  We love you!  You are right, we are wrong.  Your father has had a little stroke so he is not aware of what he said.  We love you and let's just go back to how things were before.  I think your father will be dead soon."

   

[NarcKiddo]

Today it became: "Ok, we are soooo sorry for pushing you to have us move in.  We love you!  You are right, we are wrong.  Your father has had a little stroke so he is not aware of what he said.  We love you and let's just go back to how things were before.  I think your father will be dead soon."

UGH! That whole scenario follows exactly the kind of thing I imagine my own uNPD mother would do in a similar situation.

The latest offering is a masterclass in what they do. The faux apology to put you on the back foot. The "little stroke" as a justification so you can't really blame them because who can blame someone who has had a stroke and is actually the victim here? But it's only a "little" stroke because there must be wriggle room for him to gain full capacity as and when necessary for the next developments. The profession of love, to put you even further on the back foot, especially if that is an unusual declaration. Let's go back to how it was before - something you in theory should not say is impossible because after all it has been done once already. And then the kicker - your father will be dead soon. So you had better jump to it and do what we want because there is limited time and any day now it could be too late. Do not miss this golden opportunity.

When you step back and look at it, the skill involved is awesome! My husband often remarks how good it would be if criminals could use their ingenuity to earn an honest living instead of turning to crime. In the same vein, how good it would be if PDs could use their ingenuity to benefit their "loved" ones instead of damaging them to the core.

Hugs.

[lkdrymom]

Please stay strong and stay NC.  They are pulling out all the stops to get you back in.

[olivegirl]

Thank you for the huge support NarcKiddo & lkdrymom—it means so much!

There are so many layers of abuse that pushed me to No Contact.

I ghosted my parents just 3 days after they returned home from visiting me.

(So I have been dealing with a cancer diagnosis and I am doing ok but I am still tired). 

And as I am preparing dinner for everyone, I am getting a bit tired and sat down to catch my breath. 

My mother pounds her fist on my kitchen table and scolds me:

"This is YOUR JOB" 

I was startled and I bit my tongue because I was trying to stay composed.

Then as I clear the table, my mother in a very haughty fashion tips her head to the side and delivers this line to me:

"I will thank your husband for all that he does as a host but I will not be thanking you.  You are SUPPOSED to be doing this!!"



At this point I can see that my Witch mother    is both baiting me for a response so she can play the victim while simultaneously putting me in my place.    In my house.     

I manage to totally ignore it because in my mind, my Queen Witch mother has already dug her own grave. 

Here she thinks she is in control, calling the shots, flexing her superior positioning. 

   

"You must RESPECT  :us!!!"  she  goes on and on. 

The next day, the day of departure, she mentioned planning on moving in 6 months of the year into my house.  They are confident that I have accepted my destiny of servitude to them.   

I calmly told her that I do not have the room for her.

Then I kissed and hugged them, knowing
    I AM DONE.

NO MORE. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hoo boy. I sure do relate to this. My last straw moment had some similar elements. I was being punished by Their Majesties withdrawing the favor of their company for the upcoming Christmas, because the BUFFET I had made for them, all by myself, the previous year did not meet the standard of acceptability. How I OWED them a sit-down dinner of meat and potatoes on fine china and because they didn't get that they had no choice but to have Christmas dinner at the gas station on the way home because they were so FAMISHED.

I had to hang up the phone and process that bombshell on my own before I could say ok that's it I'm calling a major timeout in this relationship. I really admire your presence of mind to not react in the moment, not take the bait, and stay calm. Your parents have shown you who they are and it really is that bad, that appalling. They really do think so little of you that they would assume the right to take over your home and treat you terribly the whole time. They will lie to you and about you. There is no trust there.

"Little stroke" indeed. I think they are just waking up to the fact that the rip cord might not be working on the golden parachute and they are freaked. I think you are right that Thanksgiving could be prime time for things to ramp up, as it's THE family holiday. That definitely happened to me too. Hang in there!

[SeaSalt]

For me, the true NC and true peace is not having to read anything from my Nm. In past I would let people tell me what she wrote them and it bothers me even if she did not write to me but to them. (she can not too me because I blocked her everywhere). There is always some hidden msg about what a terrible or amazing daughter I am and what an amazing mother she is which just simply is hard to not think about afterwards. Next time somebody tells me that she wrote them, I will gently decline. Less I know happier I am.