Help! Asking for advice from those who have kids

[arcticfox]

In desperate need of advice or input from you lovely people on this forum who have kids. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated! Sorry this is very long, I'm probably rambling but I'm so worried and can't seem to think straight.

Background: I'm slowly backing out of my relationship with my upwBDP partner, let's call him W. I met his three kids about a year ago, started spending more and more "family  time" with them and then in April he suggested we move in together. He has 50/50 custody with his ex and the kids stay with him every other week, so half of the time.

In the beginning, for months before I even met the kids, he seemed like a great and loving parent, and also very good with actual parenting. I mean there were chore lists, paintings on the wall made by the kids, funny "menu of the week" lists on the fridge with "Yay McDonalds!!" on Friday and "spaghetti and sauce with salad, boring, yes, healthy, yes" on weekdays. He took them to hobbies, did things together with them both as a whole family and also separately with individual kids.

I dont have kids, I don't want kids personally but I do like kids and have worked with them for over 15 years, and kids seem to like me. I got along with his kids very well, naturally they were a bit wary of some random lady suddenly appearing in their lives but we had fun, and talked through all even negative feelings, especially with the smallest one who still needs a lot of safety, routines, parenting and just positive adult attention. The older teens, as teens do, have their own lives and friends and hobbies and tend to lurk in their rooms on their computer and emerge mostly when they smell pizza or need a ride 😄

I took on a kind of "fun aunt" type of approach, with all the tools I've learned as a teacher. They have a wonderful mother an have no need for a second one, so I thought that "a safe and sound adult who helps when needed, is available to talk about whatever if you feel like it and is interested in you" would be something that I would aim for. (Though it turns out I'm hopelessly lame in my lack of knowledge about Minecraft and youtubers of the day. Working on it.)

Meaning that I also enforce any rules set by their dad, but will and can not make parenting decisions any larger than "hey you really need to eat something before school" and "no you can not wash the barbies in the laundry machine".

I talked about this hours and hours with him, and suggested all sorts of things on how to talk tot he kids about me moving in while also trying to not overstep my mark and leave the parenting and final decisions to him. I tried my best to explain what I was thinking about, and that I would not be signing up to be a step mum, but would of course take on the responsibility of being the adult in charge if alone with the kids etc. I even used a concrete example of the meta work: if one kid has llama grooming at school on tuesday and another one has bungee jumping,  and on monday evening it turns out that nobody knows where the personal llama needed is and the other has overgrown the bungee cord from last year, then I will absolutely and happily jump in, help search for the llama, run to the store to get a new cord, call my friends if they have spare llamas and so on. But I don't want to be the one who keeps up with these things, or the one responsible of knowing that tuesdays in october are national llama days for middle schoolers.

He was very on board with this all. But then I started to notice something odd: more and more he would just leave me alone with the kids, be unreachable because of work, not really take any initiative or engage with the kids. He even started to refer them to me nonchalantly when they asked for help, regardless of what I was doing at the moment.

Long story short, months later I have realised he has propably full blown BPD with all the fun that brings to a relationship, won't go into details here, I'm sure you can imagine or just check my post history. I'm sad, broken and disillusioned and just informed him that I will not be living in our shared home for at least 2 months. More than likely I will leave him permanently, and in any case I dont think I'll ever go back to living with him and his kids.

But. What do I do about the children. Especially the smallest one has grown very fond of me, and has stopped asking his dad for any support because she knows she won't get it from him, and has started to just come to me because I am reliable and predictable, and safe to even have occasional normal tantrums at. W has dropped the rope on anything than a goodhumored occasional "daddy loves you" and stocking the fridge with microwave foods. He's just not emotionally there for them, and nowadays he's never even home, he'll come home usually between 10pm -2am and even when he is home he's tinkering with his own hobbies.

I feel like in the long run it would be better if I just don't swing in and out of the kids lives in what would look to them as yet again more unpredictability, so maybe it would be better to completely vanish from their lives even though it would cause them and me pain right now.  Another option would maybe be to try to stay in their lives and take them out one at a time to do something fun or just hang our every other weekend? Or something like that?

But there's no way I could explain to them that sorrry, your dad is great but due to a mental illness he doesn't know he has he behaves like a total abusive monster towards his girlfriends and I can never, ever live with him again, so, bye now and remember to do your math homework every monday even though you have football practise.

Any continuing contact with them would also mean contact with W and a way for him to manipulate me and my life via schedules etc. I think he would not stop to consider whats best for his kids if he were in a state of hating me and paranoid about me trying to ruin him.
I'm also worried for the kids emotional wellbeing now that I wont be there. He seems to think they're fine as long as there's food and as long as he solves their immediate needs when they specifically ask. But there's no active parenting by him at all, no solving of conflicts between them, no helping with homework, no predictability in any schedules, no help with their emotions or everyday problems, no enforcing of any rules, no correcting bad behaviour etc. He does love them and tells them that, but he doesn't act like a parent, more like a kind of nice roommate?

So I have this dreadful feeling that I'm just abandoning the kids. As far as I can see from the things the kids tell me they have a loving and stable homelife at their mothers home with actual parenting, but they're there only half of the time. Also she doesn't want to meet me or speak to me (I've never met her, but she's made it clear that she does not want to have anything to do with me. Not personally me, but just any new girlfriend.)

What do I do? What do I say tomorrow when the smallest one asks me on whatsapp when I'm coming home to finish the painting we started last week? Knowing W he will not have any talks with the kids or explain anything to them, so that would (again, as usual) fall on me. My heart is breaking.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. What a horrid situation.

I don't have kids, but I am a stepmother and, like you, made it clear from the outset I was not going to attempt to be a second mother.

Whether or not the mother wants direct contact with you, it is almost inconceivable that the children don't speak about you when they are with her. I don't know how long her relationship with W lasted, but it is also almost inconceivable that she does not know what he is like.

I think, given how fond you are of the kids, and how worried you are about them, that it could be worth attempting to make direct contact with their mother. Simply to ask her advice about the kindest way to let them go. She is going to have to deal with the emotional fallout and may well appreciate your concern. She may also be happy to facilitate ongoing contact with the children (or she may not). Ongoing contact in conjunction with W while the kids are at his sounds like an idea fraught with possible complications, especially if W starts a new relationship in the future.

You could, I guess, be more up front with the teens depending on their actual ages, but I think it would be wrong to give any sort of detail or attempt to stay in touch with the younger one.

It sucks but these are minor children and you don't have any legal standing in their lives, so my advice is to tread very carefully.

[notrightinthehead]

Kids tend to be flexible and adaptable, it's a survival strategy. You seem to be truly fond of them and a positive force in their lives. How do you know that their mother doesn't want to talk to you?  If they want to stay in contact with you, and you want to make yourself available for them, you could let them know and it could probably be arranged.
Seems like your partner used you as a free child minder already and I like you picturing yourself in the role of a benevolent aunt. I hope for you that somehow you can figure out a way to be there for the kids without having to put up with their father.
What happened, do you think that made you not see the red flags that surely must have been there before you moved in with him? And how can you prevent that in future?

[arcticfox]

Thank you both! I have a clearer mind now. I think I will let the dust settle for a bit and see how W reacts. And then contact the mother and ask what she thinks would be best for the kids. They were married for 12 years, there's no way she wouldn't know how he is.

As for how I didn't see the red flags: that's a really good question. I'm in therapy, I will have to work on this there and figure out how I was so gullible.

I mean W was a very warm, blazingly intelligent, funny and caring person, and still is towards other people. The problems and disturbing behaviour only started to show during the move, and maybe I mistook them as a sign that we were getting close enough as a couple to open ourselves up and be vulnerable.

I only later realised that none of the problems ever got solved, and despite talking in a very convincing way and saying exactly the things I wanted to hear he never changed his behaviour. Also there was always some exeptional situation like super difficult stuff at his work, problems with family or friends that needed immediate attention or what have you. Which I also later realised were mostly fabricated or greatly exxagerated. And then the craziness just escalated slowly to a point where I was accused of deliberately ruining his day and scheming to destroy his work by sighing, or smiling in a wrong way, or having the wrong tone of voice. Also buying the wrong kind of cheese: he took that as a personal malicious attack aimed directly at him.