Paralysed at home

[cik]

My mom doesn't have a PD but exhibits traits of the Queen/Waif- specifically attention seeking, wanting my sister and I to put her needs first at all times, then not co-operating when we do agree to help her. Since my sister moved out she's put boundaries in and these days is very selective of the contact she has with our mom. Obviously this means I'm her main target now. To complicate things my mom has Parkinson's and while she's normal-ish right now she has anxiety about everyone abandoning her in the end stages. My gran died of it so I'm fully aware what the end stages look like and while half of me wants my own life, boundaries etc., the other half wants to spend time with her while she's well.

I have my own issues (depression/body dysmorphia) meaning I've yo-yoed between moving out/moving back in. When I have my own space I'm pretty good at boundaries, and tbf mom is better too because she does more things for herself/reaches out to people other than her children. But right now I'm living at home and she can get pretty intense.

I'm paralysed in my own life really. I need my own space but to get that (and not end up yo-yoing again) I need some kind of life plan. I don't have one. The pressure I put on myself to make one asap so I can leave just makes me more paralysed. Plans are best when they come naturally, you can't micromanage everything from your armchair before they even happen. My sister took the 'just leave and figure the details out along the way' but she has a boyfriend which is less scary than doing it alone. I have savings and thought about something like a gap year (well, month or two) to give me some space to figure myself out without my mom's demands, but without committing to any life changing decisions. But the catch is spending money on that leaves me with less money to properly get out.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, mainly venting I guess

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive site.
Maybe life plan seems a bit overwhelming to you and just a plan for the next few months might do for now. You could decide on how to support yourself and when to move or if you move at all. Baby steps will get you closer to your goal.

[mary_poppins]

Hi cik and welcome to our Out of the FOG family.

I lived for 2.5 years with my parents, still at home but am currently actively looking to move out of the country. The space I need from my family should be a country away otherwise I go mad.
Anyway, what I see in your message is rumination and perfectionistic thoughts. I get it, I'm like that, too. There doesn't need to be any pressure on yourself to make a plan and move out. If a plan stresses you out, go with your gut, with what would make u feel good.

I learned sooo many things from attending virtual support groups weekly during this time and one thing is clear to me: you don't need to do a breakthrough move in order to progress in life, to grow. A small first step is enough. Nothing needs to be perfect but you need to take a little action.
No matter how small. For example, if u have enough savings, look up for a room in a shared space in your city. Or the area of the place you'd like to live in. Give your brain the idea that moving away from your mother is a serious thing. Walk in those neighboorhoods and see how they make u feel.

Small steps is much better than bold, big moves. We need to build faith in ourselves that we can do what we set out to do and that takes time. I recommend 'Complex PTSD' by Pete Walker, he talks a lot about starting small in your recovery process.

Hope it helps.

[Jolie40]

I'm paralysed in my own life really. I need my own space but to get that (and not end up yo-yoing again) I need some kind of life plan.

hi!
you don't need a "life" plan
instead make one move or change at a time

if you want to move out, save money, look at apts to see what you can afford
I would also suggest that you keep working so when you move out, you're not forced to move back home due to lack of money

my dad had Parkinson's & it became too much for sibling-in-charge to care for him
(physical therapy appts, Dr appts, feeding him, etc)  they hired in home care

[cik]

Thanks for all of the replies and sorry it's taken me a while to respond. You're all right, I need to start with baby steps and build up my confidence along the way.

A small first step is enough. Nothing needs to be perfect but you need to take a little action.
No matter how small. For example, if u have enough savings, look up for a room in a shared space in your city. Or the area of the place you'd like to live in. Give your brain the idea that moving away from your mother is a serious thing. Walk in those neighboorhoods and see how they make u feel.

I'm lucky to have substantial savings (thanks to the pandemic forcing me back home) so trips to get the feel of a different neighbourhood/look at shared spaces are definitely realistic. I'm thinking I could probably even afford to take a short-term let somewhere to give myself a complete break from the situation, without the pressure of needing to "make it work" or needing to "stay there and never move back" etc.

my dad had Parkinson's & it became too much for sibling-in-charge to care for him
(physical therapy appts, Dr appts, feeding him, etc)  they hired in home care

Yeah I need to keep reminding myself that I'm not a professional carer and when the time comes she'll need to hire one.

Right now I don't believe her behaviour is down to her Parkinson's. She was only diagnosed a year ago and her specialist recently told her that nothing had changed (ie. she's exactly the same as she was 12 months ago). She's just scared of being abandoned by her kids and responds to that by acting out/asking us to do everything for her. Like I said my sis refuses to do any of it (she's PD btw) and I've ended up doing everything.

For the period I still have to spend at home I don't know how to deal with her. I tried telling her very nicely that I'm happy to help her out but it would mean a lot to me if sometimes she called a friend instead/handled the thing herself. She smiles and nods then goes back to her old patterns. I'm fully aware that I'm enabling her by saying yes. When I'm out I'll be able to use the various techniques on this site, but while I'm still here living with her on a 1-1 basis it's SO difficult. I'm exhausted.