Dilemma

[CagedBirdSinging]

I left my marriage just over 18 months ago. My ex is from another country. He has a residency permit because me is married to a citizen- me. We have not begun divorce proceedings yet, we can't begin until a full 2 years post separation due to laws here.

So, this week my exH messages me to say his residency permit is about to expire and he needs me to come to police station with him to get it renewed. I said - are you sure? Even though we are separated I still need to come? He said he would phone the immigration officer and explain the situation.

Next day he messaged me- immigration officer said you need to come with me to the appointment to get my permit renewed.
Something still felt off. I questioned him further. After a long conversation exH admitted he has not told the immigration officer that we are separated. He has told them we are still married and still living together. He wants me to come to the police station to sign documents saying we are still married, so he can get his Visa.

I said I don't feel comfortable lying to police authorities. He said if I don't co operate then he could get deported and would lose contact with the kids, so the kids would lose their dad and it would be my fault.

I don't know what to do.

Because the marriage lasted over 3 years, and because we have kids, he could apply for a residency permit in his own right- it doesn't depend on him being married to me. But decisions are made on a case by case basis. The authorities would look for character references.. they might even ask me about the marriage breakdown.. so exH who "did nothing wrong" and "was dumped for no reason" is maybe worried that his application would be denied and he would be deported if his behaviour came to light. BUT chances are he would be granted his permit.

I'm so stressed about this. He says I'm being ridiculous, why can't I come along to the police station for five minutes, it's no big deal. But it IS a big deal.. its immigration fraud. I'd be worried sick. Equally if he got deported and the kids effectively lost their dad, I know my eldest would take that really badly.

In some ways it would be the best thing for all of us if he got deported- the separation hasn't gone to plan, he has been harassing me constantly for 18 months, making my life hell. But I feel guilty saying that. Obviously I have to think of the kids and what's best for them

Any thoughts would be welcome.
Thanks Out of the FOG

[escapingman]

In some ways it would be the best thing for all of us if he got deported- the separation hasn't gone to plan, he has been harassing me constantly for 18 months, making my life hell.

I think you answered your own question caged, trust your instinct and put yourself first.

Stay strong and good luck.

[Rose1]

It's not worth getting into issues with immigration.

He has the ability to apply for a visa in his own right. He needs to do just that.

If he gets deported it's because of his own record so his attempts to blame you are just a way to pressure you into doing what he wants. It's not your issue, but a consequence of his behaviour.

I assume he would not be deported unless there was good reason.


He's an adult and he needs to take care of his own issues.
Don't fall for the trap.

[GravityOfBeauty]

 

I sympathize with your anxiety around this. PDs have such a way of making everything, especially of this nature, feel on the brink of catastrophe. My uSTBXBPW has gotten involved in various legal trouble over the years. Now that I am distanced from her I echo what everyone else is saying here : he is an adult and he needs to learn to handle his problems himself. It is no one else's responsibility, no matter how much guilt or fear he tries to install in you. My advice would be to protect yourself by creating as much distance as possible from the situation. Go NC if you can. Do not get involved. Protect your wellbeing and safety.

[hhaw]

I think it would ease your mind and body to limit contact with your stbx, Bird.

You don't have to listen to his manipulations and/or threats anymore.

You're separated for a reason and separation is a very good thing. 

Put it in place, as you can, nurture it and protect it.

Maybe go to text messages about the children ONLY.

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks everyone. I told him I'm not going to police station with him. I'm not lying to immigration. He got really irrate with me "what's your problem? Why are you making life so difficult for everyone? What's wrong with you? Why don't you want your marriage to work? Are you seeing someone else?? Are you??" All this in front of kids. I'm still shaking.

Hhaw - my problem is he had visitation in my house, still. He is renting a tiny trailer not suitable for visitation so he uses my house when he is spending time with kids. He has no family or friends who could host. We are not eligible for any of the supervised visitation centres.

I can't go on like this. He is bullying me relentlessly. He won't stop.

[hhaw]

Do you have anyone who could supervise visitation, other than yourself?

Someone the PD can't bully or manipulate?

IME, the PD wants time to harrass YOU.... not time with the chilren.

How can you resolve that?  What options do you have?

Why do you believe your home is the ONLY place visitation can happen?

Maybe at a neighbor's home, if you have a retired nurse friend or someone who really GETS the situation
OR
a public place the kids love and feels as normal as possible when visiting with their father.  A McDonalds or a dollar store or a movie theatre or park or bowling or play center but in a place where the PD has to be appropriate and where you can walk away and leave him to it, while maybe keeping a eye from afar?

Breathe, Bird......
and think about solutions, not about being trapped and at the mercy of the PD, bc there's choice... more choices than sitting in your home while your PD bullies and barrates you in front of the kids.

You aren't a hostage.  You COULD tape some of this behavior BEFORE changing it.  if there's a problem changing it, you'd have the video. 

I'm so hopeful you'll put distance between you and your stbx so you can begin healing and feeling your old self again. 

Distance WIll help you recover, Bird.

You aren't obligated to see your stbx whenever he wants.

[Associate of Daniel]

CBS, whenever my UNPD exH tells me that "so and so said" or that "the rules state that", I look into those things myself.

A lot of the time I find that he hasn't spoken to the person or looked at the rules.

In other words I suggest next time something like this arises, find out the facts yourself.  That way you'll avoid some of the angst. You won't feel as bad about saying 'no to him. You might even be able to shut down the conversation straight away.

Regarding your communication with him... I understand the visitation thing is difficult. But I suggest that all communication be done by email. (Text is difficult to keep track of.)

I really hope a solution regarding visitation can be found soon.

AOD

[CagedBirdSinging]

Thanks HHaw - yes I know the situation needs to change. I'm just getting so worn down. I feel like I don't have the fight left in me. I always thought that if I left the marriage then things would get easier. Post-separation abuse is something no one tells you about. I know I will find a way to gather my strength again. Right now I'm just really feeling the effects of 18 months of sustained abuse - I am mentally and physically shattered.

I don't have anyone who could help with visitation. That support network just isn't there, and my confidence is so destroyed that I don't know how to reach out to people anymore.

In the summer it was easier - he took the kids out to the park etc and wasn't in my house much - or they stayed up the garden, so that was ok. The colder weather makes things harder. I need to look at options though. I'm so afraid of him still, this is the main problem. I am afraid to challenge him on anything because I am afraid of his angry outbursts - like today. How to get past that fear, I don't know. I'll never not be scared of a 6"4 man towering over me yelling insults at me.

AoD - yes you're right to research - I've looked into this immigration claim too. Residency permits are granted on a case by case basis, so there is no guarantee - but it is likely he would be granted residency. Not the big drama he is making it out to be.

[Whoops]

I am totally new on the forum so hope my response is appropriate, forgive if not.  I believe that you deserve to feel safe. Your children deserve to never have to see you feeling unsafe. I suggest his visits need to happen at a child friendly restaurant or other public indoor space and if they are short they are short and if he can only afford a few sodas the visits may be very short. But you and your kids deserve safety.

One of my friend's daughters had an immigrant husband who turned out to be verbally abusive. The couple had two kids. He did end up being deported but my friend feels it is for the best and her daughter eventually agreed. I understand how he is tying you in knots with guilt though. IT sounds like he can get his permit himself so that it is not really up to you whether he gets deported. It is up to him. Meanwhile, in most places lying to authorities could be a crime. And you don't want to give him something to hold over your head. Good luck with these hard decisions!

[blunk]

My first thought when reading your post was of the legal implications. If he got you to go and speak to the police, making an official statement that you are still married and living together...he could use that to restart the 2 year separation clock. I can't imagine that fact escaped him.