How to cope with the fear of never having enough money

[cgerrand]

Please help. My husband has ocpd and our biggest issue is his fear of never having enough. Up until now I have been working so had my own money. But now I am looking at retirement. He is already retired. But the pressure has started already. Make sure you earn enough today, we can only spend what's in the budget, how much is that gonna cost.... This is the man who put $5 a month in the budget for my hair cuts!! How do spouses cope on retirement? Any advice please.

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome to Out of the FOG. Both partner's retirement brings a whole next level of negotiations I am finding.

One thing that came to mind that is a practical way to have some financial freedom is to continue to have your own funds out of your retirement if at all possible. Could you also participate in establishing the budget to make sure the allocations are reasonable and grounded in the reality of what things actually cost versus a scarcity mindset?

[11JB68]

I can totally relate to this situation!

[JustKeepTrying]

I was not sure how to respond at first because I found this very triggering but the reality that living with an OCPD - their obsession with money is real and it can make or break a day/week or moment.

I would like to advise you on normal interventions like budgeting, shared apps etc.  But they didn't work for me.  It isn't about the money - this is just one more thing they like to control.

My xOCPDh was an accountant.  I left the money decisions to him and he had me convinced we were going to loose the house at any moment.  Completely untrue.

I used several online retirement planning tools and evaluated our retirement savings to ensure we were going to be ok - that is what you should do.  Make sure you know exactly how much you have; use these tools to verify you are both going to be ok; ensure that you have equal access to the money; and when he gets twisted - ignore him.  Just don't feed that argument. Because you know you are going to be ok.  Let him be him and you do you.

[11JB68]

I've been thinking about this too.  I second what just keep trying says,  that is not just about the money but also mostly about control.
When I started to look at his behavior more objectively,  I started to realize that his attitudes about money are arbitrary,  and often fluctuate depending on how it will suit his needs at any given time.