Friend With Dependent Personality Disorder

[Meadow Writer]

Hello. I'm hoping that you all can help me.

I have a friend with Dependent Personality Disorder. We've been friends since I was in middle school. Her diagnosis is recent...she kind of diagnosed herself, and her mental health provider confirmed it. She feels like it arises from her relationship with her mother, who likely has NPD or BPD. One complicating factor is that she has a lot of genuine health problems. She has had incontinence problems since she was young. She has had bilateral knee replacement in the past two years. She's a little taller than a typical little person, but she was screened for that condition because she is short and short-waisted. She also has tremor issues off and on.

I live in a different city from this friend, so I only see her occasionally. Recently, a mutual friend from college has moved back to town, and they have been spending a lot of time with her, so they have a better idea of what her day-to-day life is like. One observation they have made is that our friend doesn't know how to do some basic household tasks, such as using their coffee maker or washing machine. The three of us recently traveled together, and one morning our friend asked us to dry her hair and put her coat on, stating that it was faster than her doing it herself. (I hadn't noticed any tremors at this time.) There's always been a lot of learned helplessness and possibly even weaponized incompetence in how my friend approaches things.

I'm starting to feel like my friend with the PD may be depriving herself of the sense of accomplishment that comes from being able to take care of things like laundry and making coffee and cooking. Is there any way to broach this with her? I'm not sure I have a way into this conversation since it affects her husband and our college friend more than me.

I also think she could benefit from cultivating some hobbies and interests, but at her age this would be a very difficult change to make.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome!  Your friends behaviour certainly seems odd. And as a friend you certainly can give her feedback and some suggestions if it's done kindly and out of love. However, you seem to doubt if your suggestions would have any impact. Ultimately it is best for both parties if we accept others exactly how they are, without trying to change them. We can always decide if they bring enough good into our lives to put up with their oddities or not and then fade out of the friendship.

[Catothecat]

I have a friend with elements of dependent personality, "waif" syndrome, and learned helplessness.  Over the years she's gotten worse, but I've also come to understand that this behavior is more than just a behavior, but rather a big part of her self-image.  It's totally dysfunctional behavior yet she seems to be very co-dependent with it and has embraced it.  I could be wrong, and perhaps she struggles with it and would like to change, but I've seen no indication.  Instead, she apparently works to be content and self-accepting.

The root of all this is her relationship with her toxic parents and how at some point she decided (subconsciously)  to be the opposite of who they wanted her to be.  And that isn't anything I or anyone else can do anything about.  Those are her issues and she has to work them out or deal with them on her own terms.  This is, indeed, one of those situations where in order to be her friend you have to accept her as she is because she is probably past the point of ever changing.   Rather, I had to learn my tolerance limits with her and establish boundaries so I don't feel used. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome.

I recently read a quote that I think fits here. When someone has a problem, "you can hand them the tool, but don't try to become the tool".

You can hand someone a hammer, or bang in the nail with your hand. Since you're not a hammer, the latter is a bad plan for all involved.

My concern is that you are trying to fix her, and it's not clear if she wants you to support her or fix her.

Your friend has multiple complex health issues. As her friend, you can't fix those. Sadly, but truly. You can't fix any of her issues.

Helping her with her jacket when she asks is a small gesture of kindness. 

That said, there is no amount of help you could provide that can substitute for her need to have a very well informed plan to manage her health needs, emotional and physical. She could work with health care providers to discuss which tasks she genuinely needs someone else to do for her.

Maybe drying her hair does cause nerve pain. She may not want to share that. Or maybe she just wanted to feel pampered by someone in that moment. Hard for you to really know.

Again, helping her with a specific task is a kindness you can choose to extend. You're not her parent and it's not your role to teach her what she wants to explore doing independently. That is for her to discuss with her health care providers.

Your role is to support her decisions. If that is hard to do, then you may need to decide how often you want to visit with her.

It would be your decision whether to tell her what you believe she should try doing or changing. This is one of the problems with the situation you're in. She seems to want her peers to do things for her without really checking with you as to which tasks you are happy to offer to do or not.

You're expected to give her what she asks for, rather than being in a situation where she checks with you as to what you are and are not willing to do for her. In other words, I do wonder if you felt you couldn't refuse her request to dry her hair for her. When people take away our capacity to say no, we may resent it. We might not want to dry their hair for them but we don't feel we've really been given a choice.

I would have a very hard time maintaining that dynamic because it might be taking away your own need to feel heard. As a friend, you want to feel like you are respected and appreciated by her.

Maybe you felt uncomfortable drying her hair for her? Maybe she worried a tremor would happen as she's trying to hold the hair dryer still? So many variables here.

As an adult it is up to her to be in charge of health related decisions for herself. Yes she has legit health issues but it benefits her in the long run if she knows you're uncomfortable or unhappy doing certain things for her.

It is up to her to try new hobbies. I don't doubt she would benefit from new hobbies. You can tell her about events in her area or show her an idea for a hobby but it's totally her decision to take that on.

I think you are coming at this with a kind heart. A lot of hobbies involve learning new skills and that does build confidence -  but people with complex trauma may need more mental health support before they are ready to take on something new. She may not be ready for something like that yet.

It's probably good for your friendship with her in the long run if you can identify things you do enjoy helping her with and traits you do not want to change about her.

The best relationships are based on mutual respect for one another and where each person is at in their respective lives.

In my own life I have had to step back from people because I can't support the decisions they make regarding their own health. And it can be very heartbreaking to do so and so I hope you do find a way to be in her life in a way that also works for you.

If she wants to learn how to make coffee and you want to support that, then that would be lovely!

It is important, as Catothecat pointed out, not to feel used by her.

Trees