Reflection on breaking NC and ultimately resuming NC

[overitall]

Hi All, after having a few months to process everything I wanted to share my experience regarding NC with my uBPDm and uNPDf...

After being NC for almost 10 years, I encountered them at a family event and was shocked and surprised at how old and frail they had both become....I had been NC for so long that I had no fear of them hurting me emotionally, so I decided to resume LC with them in so I would not later regret not giving them another chance 

I only saw them once a week, taking my uNPDf to church and then returning him home and having a brief visit (an hour or so) with both parents...it took them some time, but they both starting exhibiting all of the traits that caused NC...I heard over and over again about how wonderful GC kids were, how they came over to visit them, etc.  Okay, well that's good for them right?  Except that really isn't the case....they don't visit them and they don't help them, yet my parents can't admit it...they straight up lie to defend GC kids (as well as GC)  Apparently, GC is SO busy with retirement that she just can't find the time to visit, but hey it's okay according to them? 

After one visit, uNPDf asked me to drive him to the cemetery?  Okay, so I drove him and he proceeded to show me the plot he had paid for---a burial plot for him, uBPDm, and GC sis?  Um, GC sis been married to husband for 35 years and she's going to be buried with parents?  Oh yes, confirmed uNPDf, she wants to be with us, not her husband....okay.....I realized that she'll tell them whatever they want to hear because they'll die first and she'll do whatever she wants.

As a background, GC sis has been waiting for them to die forever...they are worth around $3 million and she wants her money...she has been grooming them for as long as they have been grooming her...it's a sick relationship, but whatever, it's their life....

I got to the point where I really dreaded Sundays...I hated going...it wasn't particularly emotionally stressful, I just didn't have that connection anymore..I felt sorry for them, but I really don't care much.  Apparently, GC sis became worried that parents might actually decide to include me in their estate and had a serious talk with them about my "motives"   My uNPDf decided to confide in my adult child that he is concerned that I was only seeing them to trying to get money out of them....well, that's when I had enough....

Called both of them and told them I was done...no more visits, no more contacts...have a great life, I'm done...uBPDm did nothing and just said she didn't know that he had said that to my adult child...uNPDf ran around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to deny everything and blame it on my adult child....

So, it took them just over a year to get back to where we started....I learned a lot, though, and for that I am grateful...I learned that they have not changed one bit...I learned that they are in complete denial about themselves and the way they perceive the world..I learned that they are old and alone and it's too late to change that...I also learned that I have ZERO connection to them...I don't have sadness, regret, or bitterness...nothing...it's over...I'm free from all of the emotions...for that I am so grateful

[moglow]

🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Wow. That it's so unimaginable to them that a "problem" with you can't be addressed, I dunno with you directly?? But no. We must go through/to others then blame them for the fallout of our actions. (Massive rolling eyes here)

That's so much like mommie dearest it's just not funny. Pathetic really.

I'm grateful for you, if a bit saddened that they learned nothing. Eternal victims

[overitall]

Thanks Moglow...it's okay...it's pretty much status quo for my life growing up...they have ZERO awareness of why they are old and ALONE...GC sis stays just available enough to stay on the inheritance track...other than that, she doesn't care at all...Honestly, they deserve everything they get...I tried...

[Srcyu]

It is something to be grateful for, isn't it? When we reach the point of no connection in any shape or form.
That's our payback for the rubbish we were put through.

When my mother finally died from old age - I felt absolutely nothing at all. It's a relief, a gift to let us move onwards away from all of it, it's the least we deserve.

As for trying to blame your adult child, well ....... you know, that's it really, rock bottom. The only way is up.

[overitall]

Yes, Windmill I'm grateful for being done.  uNPDf claimed he could not figure out how to use a cell phone, yet after I told him I was done, he had no problem calling my other adult children, attempting to lay the blame on their sibling....He did a fine job of giving my adult children a prime example of why I am done....By the way, my adult kids are all done now too...

As for my uBPDm, I have been done with her for years; literally the only reason I ever saw is because they are still together (yet I have no idea why)!

[olivegirl]

Over it all,

Thank you for sharing this post. 

I am terrified of seeing my aging parents. 

A few months before I went NC, I saw a photo of them and inexplicably I felt a surge of warm feelings.

And it enraged me! 

They were so evil to me.  They deliberately maliciously repeatedly hurt me so much.  Why am I feeling like this?

I realized it was feelings of pity and wistfulness that they could still be who they pretend to be to their acquaintances and neighbors. 

I so wanted them to be who they could be.

So I have to be vigilantly NC.  I need to preserve my sanity and my safety. 

Your posts really are so helpful. 
But

[olivegirl]

Sorry for the "But" at the end of my post.  Typo! 

No buts about it, you all are the best!! 

Thank you for being here for me!

[overitall]

Olive,

I'm sorry you are terrified of seeing them...I was NC for almost 10 years and I really got strong in that time..For me, I didn't want any regrets...I lost someone very very close to me over three years ago and it shook me to the core..Thus, giving them another chance..they tried, but they can't be who they are not...they are what they are...the nice thing for me is that I have no more guilt...I know that I will never speak or see them again and I am fine with it..
You do need to keep yourself safe and if you feel as if you'd be "reeled in" with them, then I agree you need to keep distance...all of us deserve to be safe, respected, and valued....take care of yourself, first and foremost...it will get better, I promise 

[sandpiper]

Wow. I saw a similar pattern with my mother's generation. My Uncle groomed them because they had money and he made sure that he got it.
I'm so sorry you've gone through this but I am so thankful for your post as it reminded me, keep clear of it.
It really is just such an awful dynamic. If they end up with people that don't care about them and only want their money, well, that's their own fault for a lifetime of playing their children off against each other and rewarding bad behaviour.
Sometimes I think about testing it out to see if they've changed - posts like yours are like the warning sign reminding me, don't try to jump through flaming hoops on the edge of a precipice.

[overitall]

Sandpiper,

I used to think that after some period of NC that my parents would "figure" it out...ah, but that is impossible for BPD and NPD types.  My oldest sister has been the GC for my entire life and she absolutely loves the power it gives her...every decision my parents ever make is because GC sis advises them as to what to do...she only wants their money and is waiting for them to die...she did the same thing to her husband's grandma (who was wealthy)  She took the grandma to church every week for about three years until grandma died and left her a bucket of money...she hasn't entered a church since then (over 20 years)

My uNPDf used to have a bit more common sense than my uBPDm, but they are now both completely impossible.  Part of it is due to age, but most of it is becoming entrenched in the belief that they are perfect and everyone else is wrong.  It's hard to watch people go through their entire life without any friends and not be able to recognize that there is a problem.  I think because they are so isolated, it makes them that much more vulnerable to GC sis and she loves it.

I should have known because I have been down this road so many times with them.  As I reflect on my past with them, there is a reason I left home at 17...it WAS that bad.  There was a reason I have had periods of NC...it IS that bad.   I think for all of us we hold out a sliver of hope that our parents will actually acknowledge their faults and embrace their children before they die...however, there are literally thousands of people in nursing homes who complain about no one ever coming to visit them (gee, I wonder why?)

The day that my father had me take him to the cemetery to show me where he and uBPDm will be buried with GC sis??? was one of those days that every single memory of all of the past hurts resurfaced...I asked him, "why would GC sis be buried with you and not her husband of 35 years?"  Didn't really have an answer for that...of course, she'll tell them anything to appease them for the inheritance...

I have grandchildren who live far from me (5 hours by plane) and I would do anything to live closer.  My uBPDm and uNPDf had all children and grandchildren live in the same town and they were able to successfully divide, smear, triangulate and manipulate everyone so that there are ZERO relationships among all of the grandchildren.  At this point in their lives, they deserve whatever they get...they have had every opportunity to change, but refuse. 

For myself, my adult children, and my grandchildren, our lives do not include them and we are all MORE than fine with it.  Life can be so sweet when you remove the negativity and drama

[sandpiper]

Life is indeed sweet without all that negativity and drama.
My father was widowed twice and his first wife's family created a huge stink when he did not comply with their demands to have her buried in the family plot in the small country town where her parents still lived as wealthy farmers. Their grandfather took it out on her daughters (my older sisters) as well as my father.
When their grandfather died he left a vast amount of wealth to his son, token amounts to his other children and he made sure that my sisters were given the smallest amount - he left them $100 each. A legal friend said that nasty parts did this so that their wills couldn't be disputed if someone they disliked had been left out, entirely.
It is really hard to have siblings and cousins who are growing into their disordered behaviours and are becoming even more dysfunctional as they get older. When I was 21 a few people were aghast at the amount of money I spent on therapy over a 2 year period.
All I can say is it's the best investment I've ever made.
It just saddens me so much to see where my generation is now, that scorned my efforts to go off and heal.