Feeling anxious about going too close to my hometown

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm going to be going on a trip with my husband and kids, to a destination not immediately near where my parents live, but as the trip gets closer I'm finding it a little too close for comfort. It's not likely we would run into anyone I need be worried about, but it's a popular place so it wouldn't be all that crazy if I were to see somebody from that town. But the fight or flight feelings are definitely coming up. Heart rate goes up and I find myself thinking about contingency plans. It's not rational but I'm like, "If I ran into anybody at all they'd be sure to tell my parents! Then I'd be caught!" It's like I'm a fugitive and if they get a whiff of me the hounds would be foaming at the mouth after me again.

Anybody been there? More or less the place I am from no longer exists in my life. We moved pretty far away. This will be the closest I have gone to there since being NC. I don't like the power merely being close to "their turf" is having on me but I don't want to simply cancel the trip as that is admitting defeat. If it weren't for these feelings I would definitely want to go. I want to know how to let these feelings pass and enjoy my trip without looking over my shoulder all the time. I haven't had to deal with the possibility of seeing them since immediately after NC and I can tell I'm flashing right back to that time. I know there are some of you who live with the possibility of running into your abusers every day, so how do you do it? Thank you in advance for your understanding and advice!

[NarcKiddo]

 Not this exact scenario but I was discussing my "what if" reaction with my therapist the other day.

A long chat but essentially the therapist was advising me to think about why I am scared, because chances are the feelings are arising from an old situation rather than the here and now (since the thing I am scared of has not happened and may well not happen).

Having worked out why the fear is coming the next step is to ask myself if the feared outcome is a) likely to happen and b) still scary in the present. In my case it is a fear from childhood when I had no power or control. Now I do and I can simply walk away/withdraw emotionally and accept that my mother's tantrum (if she has it) is her issue.

I spend a lot of time working myself up about scenarios that may never happen and it is very draining. I'm only just starting to scratch the surface of how to handle this. I'm still very much at the stage of being able to see logically how absurd some of my worries are but that does not stop the emotions rising up. I do feel further forward, though, being able to talk the thing through logically to myself as this has taken some of the power out of the emotion.

I suppose maybe you could try imagining seeing someone and saying "so what"? Not imagining seeing your parents at first as that would be too scary, but someone who might report back. Let's say Jim says to your parents "I saw Cordelia the other day". What then? How would you be caught? Would your parents come screeching up in the car to find you? Even if they did, would you still be there?

Maybe if you think it all through like this before going and work out what is logically worth worrying about (if anything) you may at least get your emotions sorted out to a point where you can enjoy the trip more than you think you can at this stage.

Not sure if this is at all helpful, but I do feel for you because I know exactly where you are coming from with this worry.

Hugs.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you. I guess what I'm afraid of is if they hear about me the narc injury gets reactivated. They'd be poked in the shame by Jim and of course that would be my fault (to them). My father especially is very malicious. I really do believe he is going to try to hurt me somewhere, somehow. Especially trying to hurt my kids via weaponizing social services, since he threatened exactly that. I dodged it by keeping my kids far away. It's actually fairly easy to harass someone with impunity that way where we live, but since he hadn't seen my kids in a year he had no evidence. What if we see them and the kids are scattered around a playground and they don't listen when I say to get in the car immediately? Those sort of fears. But... they were mostly content to ignore me and my kids so if we don't "disturb" then we might be fine.

So an old situation, yes, but one I still believe could be lurking. In other words it's hard to believe we "got away" so easily. Of course rationally I know I can't just not go to playgrounds and such. It's just so much easier when we're far away. I certainly don't feel that fear on a regular basis anymore!

I mostly do things despite having difficult feelings occasionally but this is coming up in dreams right now, which serves as a, "Hey, time to deal with this trigger!"

So what's the worst that would happen? When I went NC I sent a cease and desist threatening legal action if they ever tried to contact me or my kids. If there were a "showdown," I'd have to lawyer up to protect my kids and I just dread that possibility. I'd do it, but I dread it. It would mean more trauma and I'm messed up enough.

Thanks for helping me.

[Leonor]

Hello dear Cordelia,

Yes, this sounds to me like a PTSD response. Because you do have hopes for an enjoyable trip and you would like to go, and these anxious little tremors are coming up around it.

I live around the block from my MIL, with whom I am so NC. I get these little tremors on my way to the grocery store. She's lived in this neighborhood for 60 years. I've been here for maybe 2. And my home city, which I love and am so nostalgic for, is the turf of my family and all old friends with whom I am also MC for being a flying monkey parade. It's also our closest airport hub, so I'm there at least a few times a year.

I have a few sayings for these places that help me breathe through the feelings and not obsess so much while I'm near them, or obsess but get through it any way:

"I am not in the federal witness protection program." I don't have to hide from anyone! If I want to post a photo on social media, I can do so. If I want to walk down a street, I can do so. Anyone who has a problem with that has a problem. Not me. I have reached flying altitude and am free to move about the cabin!

2. "Bless her heart." I'm not from the American South, but I love "Bless her heart." It's such a great combination of politeness, compassion, and disdain. "Oh and she said I should call my mother, bless her heart." "You're surprised to see me here? Why, bless your heart, I didn't mean to startle you." "Ah, there's Trinny in the next aisle staring at me but she won't dare come over, bless her heart." Okay, it's passive aggressive, but it sounds so much better with a sweet-tea drawl.

3. Painful stuff does not come up to shame us or ruin our good time. It comes up "to be healed, to be embraced in compassion." That's from Cheri Huber. So the tremors of anxiety and sweaty palms are not coming up to upset you. They're happening so you can heal them by embracing them in compassion.

What if you had the coolest best friend in the entire world who knew just what to say to your fuming mother as you shrink in a corner? What would this best friend say? What if it were a teacher or a friend's mom or a duchess or a superhero or a Zen monk like Cheri Huber or Pema Chodron? What would she say now ... And back when you were a child?

Okay, when you're there and you feel the nerves come up, call forth this Superhero Zen Friend. Remember what she would say, and say that.

Remember, you are not a Mafia snitch, a counterintelligence officer, or an undercover narcotics detective (well, as far as they know - bless their hearts!) You are not in the witness protection program!

[mary_poppins]

Not sure if it helps, since I'm not even NC with family. But I am reading a book about fear. Basically, you need to retrain your brain from thinking 'what if it happens..' or 'if it happens i'll be a mess' to 'I can handle anything that comes my way' or just 'I will handle it'. See, the possibility exists. Of course you could run into someone familiar. That doesn't mean that it will ruin you or anyone else in your family. It will be a short moment where they'll probably look at you say hi and then move on. I know you will handle it if it happens. And, it won't be nearly as bad as you think.

[sandpiper]

I've found that if I run into NC FOO when I've been out - and they have ventured onto my turf, so it's been a restaurant or a bookshop or such - I've handled it well thanks to their narcissistic need to keep up appearances in public. If anything it's just annoying because they are thrown off balance at seeing me unexpectedly so they have just slipped into that default setting of 'Quick, mask up with the white picket fence disguise' and have pretended to be pleased to see me and also pretend that everything is just fine.

I know that this occasion has probably passed for you and hopefully, you had a pleasant and stress-free time.
I think we talk ourselves up into that worry and I found that CBT really helped me to stop working myself up.
How did you go with it?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes, it has passed and was fine. Thank you all for your kind and compassionate pep talks. They really did help.

I stayed incognito haha. It was a bit awkward to pass signs for my hometown, and I definitely was hyper aware of phone numbers posted that had that same area code, but I just noticed that those feelings were happening, yes, that's trauma-related, classic. Hmm. Donned my lab coat a little bit while out and about, and was still able to have enough brain space to also be aware and notice what we all came there to see and enjoy each other's company. Man, if I am reacting to those very tangentially related to my parents things, I really do need to stay NC!

[NarcKiddo]

So glad to hear all went well. 

[sandpiper]

I'm glad it was OK.
For me it's almost like there's an emotional anaphylaxis response to being around the triggers.
there was a time when I never thought I'd get past the C-PTSD symptoms, but my trauma counsellor was right. It was about getting out of the trauma soup and creating a safe space. When I put myself back amongst that, it's really hard to stop the physical responses to that stress, and the psychological ones.
It's good to get out.
I think that revisiting is just a powerful reminder of why you left/went NC in the first place.
I don't think I'll ever not have those moments of thinking 'Oh maybe it's not that bad, maybe it was the adrenalin of my C-PTSD' but then I step into the circus tent for a moment and it's like 'Nup, this is not how I want to live.'

[Call Me Cordelia]

But that begs the question, why would my adrenaline be pumping so hard if it wasn't that bad in the first place?

[NarcKiddo]

But that begs the question, why would my adrenaline be pumping so hard if it wasn't that bad in the first place?

Exactly! And it is a very good point to keep in mind when we waver. I am certainly capable of gaslighting myself, probably because the truth is so horrid to bear and because of my desire that things were different. I know I could fall prey to lovebombing. So noting and remembering occasions when my body is sounding the warning klaxon are helpful to me.