Not sure where to put this....

[Liketheducks]

I'm struggling.   Learning so much about my PTSD, back in therapy, back on meds.       I was a child of the chaos of NPD and BPD.   Homeless at one point.   I've done SO much therapy.   I thought that I had it under control.   I had put myself into therapy as soon as I could, moved out the day after my high school graduation. 

4 years ago my husband had an affair.    After so much childhood trauma....I had made him into my safe place.    We did the marriage counseling.  He's still here.  He's drove the train for marriage counseling.   He's spent the last 4 years trying to make it up to me.    We've planned amazing new adventures.   I have no reason to suspect any new betrayals there.    Mostly, I think I'm about 80-90% healed.   Except the triggers from the affair dig me deep into a really dark place from my childhood.

I'm not so special to believe that I'm not so immune to an affair.    We've been together nearly 30 years.   But....the childhood trauma is making this super hard.   I know that I have been able to progress over the last 4 years.  But, it's still there.     

Has anyone else here been through this?   

[notrightinthehead]

Sorry, I haven't. So take it or leave what I write. I want to support you anyway.
I was wondering if you let past trauma control your present life too much. If you go to the dark places of your past too often and re-live them, thus re-traumatizing yourself. There are techniques you could learn, like thought stop, that could help you prevent your mind wandering to dark places you can do nothing about because they are in your past. You know you can only do something in your present. That's what you can control.
You wrote that your husband is your safe place. That you have been to counseling. That you have chosen to stay with him and that you are planning your future together. He has hurt you and has triggered your abandonment fears with his adultery. And there probably was enough good there in this relationship for you to hang on and try to work through. So there you are. You know of course that your husband cannot heal the wounds inflicted by  your childhood trauma. It would not be fair to expect that from him. He can only make up for his own failures.

Maybe you could learn mindfulness techniques or join a 12 step group, anything that will help you focus on the here and now, which is where we live, where we can be happy and feel loved, and what we can control. I am not saying you should ignore the past and the trauma you experienced, I am saying- don't let it control you. Don't live there anymore. Live in the present. Where you are with your husband and making plans for exciting travels.