Individuating aged 66

[Granny May]

So great to hear that you and your DH are close as you described.

Great to meet a fellow journaling person too! Journaling has helped me so much in my journey.

It's a space to just let out the thoughts without having to be concerned with anyone's feelings. A space to just write how you feel! So great to do when going through the individuation experiences!

Thanks Trees  yes, journaling is great.  There weren't computers when I started my healing journey, so handwriting was my only option.  I did have a typewriter, but notebooks were better than loose pieces of paper.  I think the actual work of the handwriting is healing as well though, don't you?  Just free-flowing writing, letting everything out that would otherwise explode or dangerously ferment.  It's so sad that we all need to undertake this work, but the support of others who understand walking by your side means the world.  My love to you.

Sorry for the very slow reply, we were away for 4 days in a tiny town with the barest internet coverage that dropped out more than was available.

[Granny May]

It;s never too late to individuate. I like this saying, it/s true.

Hi Mary Poppins, that really is true.  Better to be proud and happy for what we're now achieving than to regret anything.  I think we should all feel really, really proud of ourselves to have come out so strong and determined after what we've been through also.

[Granny May]

Our entire life is a journey of individuation

Who am I? What is right for me? How do I want to engage with others? Where do I want to go in this world? What do I like on my pizza?

These are questions we ask ourselves all the time; our answers evolve as we move through our journey.

Hi Leonor, I guess that's very true, I'm hearing you.

May, I hear you punish yourself for being childish and ignorant and stupid. You're 66. You're not a Granny unless you have grandchildren, and that's a relationship, not an age. I hear you undermine your own growth with phrases like "it's about time" or "finally." That's not kind. In fact, that's a sneaky way your trauma is $#@ing with you- your mom's voice is still in your head, criticizing you for daring to put up a very reasonable boundary for yourself.

OK, I'm seeing what you say here.  I'm incredibly kind to myself compared to the way I used to be and I thought I'd arrived in that aspect of my journey.  Now I can see that you're right and I will look out for that in the future, thank you.

Think of monster movies: you get rid of the Bad Guy, but then you have to face off against his ... mom!

Oh that's funny!  I can be that momma bear is anyone tries to pick on my children or grandchildren, I see exactly what you mean.  Even though mine never stood up for me = quite the opposite - I know what a real mother's love is.

Okay, that's pretty heavy, but you get the idea: You don't start your adult life by dealing with mom. That's not the Start line.

Thank goodness!

If she struggles with day to day things, she needs a competent professional. That is not you and that is not DH.

We're planning on a very long trip starting next March.  We've always wanted this tour around Australia, but it will also force her to look out for herself while we're gone.  It will be 3 months at the absolute minimum, more likely 6 months or so, but it will be an extended length of time, and her best friend is giving up her driving license soon, so mother will have to figure out for herself how she's going to manage with her shopping and medical appointment needs.  We've given her paperwork with options, that she's totally ignored because there have been slaves around to save her the trouble.  That's about to end.

Oh yes, she loves DH completely because he falls for her lies about being helpless and that she's so sweet and kind.  Or he did do for the past 45+ years.  I think we've had all the arguments about my feelings towards mother and the other narcs in my family, but even if there are still a few more disagreements to come, it's on a much different footing.  Now he's seen how much truth  I have been speaking all these years he's willing to admit that he could also be wrong about the remaining issues.  It's a very wonderful place to be with him.

Make this an agreement between you and DH, write it down and stick it on the fridge: "We talk to Mom on (day)." "We visit Mom on (day)." Anything outside if those dates and times is handed off to the pros: sink leaky? Call the plumber. Groceries low? Call delivery service. Rapid heartbeat? Call the ambulance. Period!

I like that very much.  Very much indeed, thank you.

I really appreciate your wise words, and I'm sorry to have been so slow to reply.  We were away for 4 days with virtually no internet.  A nice little break where we couldn't be reached

[treesgrowslowly]

So great to hear that you and your DH are close as you described.

Great to meet a fellow journaling person too! Journaling has helped me so much in my journey.

It's a space to just let out the thoughts without having to be concerned with anyone's feelings. A space to just write how you feel! So great to do when going through the individuation experiences!

Thanks Trees  yes, journaling is great.  There weren't computers when I started my healing journey, so handwriting was my only option.  I did have a typewriter, but notebooks were better than loose pieces of paper.  I think the actual work of the handwriting is healing as well though, don't you?  Just free-flowing writing, letting everything out that would otherwise explode or dangerously ferment.  It's so sad that we all need to undertake this work, but the support of others who understand walking by your side means the world.  My love to you.

Sorry for the very slow reply, we were away for 4 days in a tiny town with the barest internet coverage that dropped out more than was available.

Hi GrannyMay,

Ooh, I love what you wrote - these thoughts of ours than can 'dangerously ferment' if we don't get them off our chest. I also used to handwrite but then made the shift to mostly typing when I journal. Over the years it became a practice. It taught me to understand that a lot of what we would like to say to others, might never get said to them, but having a place to say it (the journal) releases it in a way. Honestly, few of the (many) narcs in my life have been told what I really endured or felt around them. But my journal knows lol.

Hope you are enjoying your week. Glad you are here!

Trees

[Granny May]

Ooh, I love what you wrote - these thoughts of ours than can 'dangerously ferment' if we don't get them off our chest. I also used to handwrite but then made the shift to mostly typing when I journal. Over the years it became a practice. It taught me to understand that a lot of what we would like to say to others, might never get said to them, but having a place to say it (the journal) releases it in a way. Honestly, few of the (many) narcs in my life have been told what I really endured or felt around them. But my journal knows lol.

Hope you are enjoying your week. Glad you are here!
Trees

Journalling is amazing.  The little evil joker in my head would love to show my mother (and yes, others, as you said) what I've written about them.  But it's just a tiny giggle that we both obviously have the wisdom not to act on.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm here too.  Been MIA for several weeks because life got busy, but happy to have all these new friends who understand so well what we're all enduring.  Everyone I've met here is so wise, kind and compassionate.  I love the 'vibe' of no theatrics and name-calling of the narcs, just sensible discussions. Nobody here is wallowing in their misery, but is working towards healing, it's fantastic