bait...then snatch

[Sojourner17]

I have had the odd facetime with my mom over the past couple of weeks.  The first couple were fairly awkward and not all that comfortable.  Last Sunday it was a fairly pleasant one, despite the need to tell her more than once that I needed to go (she likes to restart conversations if she thinks it hasnt been long enough).  Today she called out of the blue.  I was in a good space and so I answered as I knew I only had about 10 minutes before my husband and I would be starting something together. 

She wanted to tell me about a book that she ordered from a ministry after watching an interview of a fairly famous messianic rabbi (the hook and bait).  Did i know him?  have a read his books?  I had read one and have listened to some of his interviews and talks in the past and told her so.  I tried to keep it light but she KNOWS this hooks me.  Anyways,  she was impressed so she ordered his most recent book through a ministry who sends books based on donation.  She was very excited about the book.  I was happy for her.  Then she said that she thought of ordering a second copy and sending it to me but the cost of postage to send it would be more than the cost of the book.  Then she thought of ordering me a copy through the ministry and getting them to send it to me, but she figured I could just order it myself.  She told me a story about how much it cost to get it and told me I should order it as I could afford to buy a book.  SNATCH!!!!

She then went into something else (an ongoing saga of drama).  No need to write about it here.  Perhaps I'm learning how to get to the point in my posts??  I told her I was glad that she had made the decision I did and that it was a good one but to be honest, here, it left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.  I didn't quite tell the truth of how I was truly feeling or what i was thinking.  I had the biggest knot in my stomach and felt uneasy and wary.

I stayed pretty cool through it all but my insides are churning a bit.  Why in the world would she tell me such a tale about NOT getting me a book?   

[SonofThunder]

Hi Sojourner17,

My uPDf will take any story, regardless if he's the actual perpetrator and weave the narrative to him being the victim.

Im actually glad to read you did not speak your mind of how you were feeling and thinking, as imo that would have been potentially JADE fodder for her to utilize for additional  "bait...then snatch", making you the persecutor and her the victim of your very real feelings.

*Google the Karpman Drama Triangle if you are not familiar with the three roles. 

SoT

[Cat of the Canals]

Why in the world would she tell me such a tale about NOT getting me a book?   

Very strange, indeed.

My first gut instinct is that she wants "credit" for thinking of buying you a gift when she didn't actually do so.

My secondary reaction is that this is all about control. She has decided you should have the book, and even though she is not willing to get it FOR you, is now demanding you buy it for yourself. My PDmil has a similar move: she often tries to badger people into ordering the same dish as her at restaurants. My husband and I refer to it as "forced mirroring."

[Sojourner17]

Cat of the Canals,  that's funny that you mention the need for control.  Just before I came on here i was thinking that exact same thing.  She wants to be in control.  She could have gotten me a gift but chose not to.  She wants me to have that book, but she wants me to get it myself and then we can "talk about" and "read the book together. 
I also think it is control because of another conversation I had with her last week that I didn't write about in the post.  I was reminded of some music I used to play and told my son's music teacher about it saying it was a really fun piece and if I could find it I would share it with her.  Well, turns out that particular piece of music is in one of my music books that is still at my parents home.  I asked mom if she could send the book to me and explained why i wanted it.  She said she would photocopy the music for me and send me the photocopies because its too much money to send me the whole book of music.  The book probably has 30 -40 pages in it.  It really wouldn't be all that expensive.  I've been considering telling her i would send her a cheque to cover the shipping if she really thinks she cant afford to send it.  Then at least I wouldn't be beholden to her having something I'm wanting.  But she can control the flow of goods so to speak if she is still in possession of it.  She is also now in control of something that I would like.  Yes, obviously I could have taken this particular book back years ago and neglected to.  But now I would like it and she can now hold it over me.

SonofThunder.  I didnt really think of her telling me the story to try to get me in the role of persecutor but you are right.  She knows where I stand regarding the issue that she brought up and knows that I take a different view on it and has in the past made herself a victim and "having to walk on eggshells" around me because she knows i think differently on that issue.  Im glad I didnt take the bait on that one.