Can't believe I didn't see it before now.

[byrninggould]

Hey everybody, it's a long one. I just came Out of the FOG. Here's my origin story. Looking forward to being a part of this group.

I've been in this relationship with my pwBPD (newly discovered) for 7 years. I remember our first argument. We had been dating for a few months and I went out with my friends (she did not want to come) and when I came home she was upset about something. I felt crazy and scared (tight chest, pounding heart) during the conversation. No shouting, just arguments that made no sense, invalidation, blaming. Nothing got resolved until I apologized for everything. That pretty much sums up our "conflict resolution" from then on. Everything goes well as long as I apologize for everything. My problem is that I am willing to blame myself for everything, as long as it keeps the peace. There were great things about my pwBPD that I loved, and I thought it was worth feeling bad and guilty about myself (believing her criticisms and veiled accusations) to stay in the relationship. Besides, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "maybe she's right and I'm wrong about everything. Maybe she's just smarter or more perceptive than me."
Unfortunately I shared with her some traumatic moments in my childhood. This was about four years ago. She has almost always blamed me for whatever mood she's in with an "offense" I committed (sometimes days ago). But after I talked with her about my trauma (because I trusted her) she started saying that my "anger issues" and "emotional meltdowns" (me feeling crazy, unsafe, traumatized by her manipulating tactics, invalidation, blaming - leaving me crying, or very rarely hitting something hard just to hopefully make the conversations stop) are due to my trauma and that she "can't take it anymore" and that I need to see a therapist. I went to therapy in my 20s for a couple years to deal with the fallout of a stressful job as well as doing my family of origin work and resolving my past trauma. So I go back to therapy (I'm now in my late 30s) and have been seeing a therapist for almost two years. I opened up past wounds and hurts and that was all good but we also talked a lot about the relationship and I think the therapist has been trying to show me that there are significant issues, but I was in total denial and was convinced no, it had to be me. Plus, I think it was more comforting to believe my pwBPD and think that I was the problem because I work on things (reading, doing self-work, going to therapy) and I knew that my pwBPD was NOT this kind of person. Essentially, I was in denial in order to preserve the relationship.

So recently I've been reading about narcissistic personality disorder as well as BPD (because I thought that maybe my issue is that I'm too selfish or self-involved) and I could see how I could be narcissistic and have some borderline traits (I'm not at all sure about that anymore) but what I really started to see is how much this sounds like my pwBPD. I was seeing a lot of covert passive-aggressive narcissistic traits as well as the underlying fear of abandonment, interpersonal chaos, and mood dysregulation that is present in BPD. My pwBPD has even said that someone in the past said she has, "borderline stuff" but she said it with such contempt I knew she was telling me that she thought it was bogus. After all, everyone else has the problem, not her. So I've been reading and researching trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with ME and it put the question in my mind, "maybe it's not all me?" Which I always knew but any attempt to get her to take responsibility for herself backfires. And then an incident happened where I was feeling really insane, scared, and unsafe with her. In a moment of absolute vulnerability I told her how scared I was about our relationship (we have a small child and I want her to have a good childhood which is why I've been working on myself to hopefully save our marriage) and my pwBPD doesn't even look at me and says, "now is not the time to talk about this." she then gets up and walks away. Not five minutes later she is talking to an acquaintance in the most animated, charming way as if everything he says is the most interesting thing in the world, her hands are waving around, she looks almost manic. But this guy is obviously enjoying getting all this positive attention. And while I am sitting there watching her, with the memory of how cold, calloused, and contemptuous she was with what I had just expressed to her, I realize, "oh, this is not a safe person. Who is this person?" And it was game over for me. From then on, I'm sticking up for myself. I feel like I started to walk out of a fog. I saw her games and manipulations very clearly. I saw how her facial expressions did not match her words. I saw how she does not want to actually work toward solutions, especially when I ask questions to clarify what she is saying. She keeps talking about "needing connection." When I ask her what that looks like for her, so I can give it to her, she looks at me like I'm an idiot and seems exasperated that she should even have to explain that to me. I'm seeing how unproductive all our talks are. And more than anything, I'm noticing how scared and unsafe I feel with her. (tight chest, sinking feeling in stomach, elevated heart rate whenever she's around or when I'm about to go home from work)

So the past week, I've been setting boundaries, "I'm not going to have this conversation if we're not moving toward a solution." "I don't want to talk for hours and hours about this. I need to go work out and do some self-care." I realize that when I engage with the endless conversations filled with veiled accusations, invalidation, and constant off-kilter changing of the subject to something emotionally charged like "This relationship is working anymore," or, "I'm leaving and going to my parents (with our daughter)" anytime I ask a question that tries to get closer to the heart of the matter or when I set a boundary, it all leaves me feeling like my head is spinning. I've read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and a "The covert, passive aggressive narcissist," as well as other BPD/cluster B resources online and it has validated so much.

So now that I'm setting boundaries and not capitulating and not feeling bad and guilty for the way she's feeling or agreeing that I'm to blame for it all, I feel much better. But things in our family have gotten much worse. I'm really trying to not feel guilty for that part of it either but because it involves our young daughter, I'm really worried and scared for her. She's essentially taken herself and her daughter to her parents' house who live in another nearby town anytime I set a boundary or say I won't continue a conversation. Recently, she called in sick (on the only day I get to have one-on-one time with my daughter) in order to have a conversation in which she's trying to get us to "connect" and for us to "break through". She says that she feels a lot of "anger and hatred" coming from me. And all I feel is scared and crazy. And then she threatens to leave. And when I don't capitulate and agree with how she sees things in her very distorted way, she leaves. Essentially punishing me by taking my daughter away from me. I try to ask her what she means by my "anger and hatred" and all she says is that she "just feels it." and then brings up the fact that there's a lot of secrecy (because I unsuccessfully hid the fact that I was reading about BPD from her - she found out and was FURIOUS)

So now I'm here at home, alone. Thankful to not be around my pwBPD but also feeling very scared. This new way of setting boundaries and sticking up for myself and my decision to stop walking on eggshells around her and just live my life and put my focus where it actually belongs and where it is most productive - on my daughter - has really triggered her. There is a lot of erratic behavior. Never overt, but just small things. Like taping up a bunch of pictures of our family to the kitchen cupboards. (reminding me what I risk to lose?) Lots of mood swings. After she left this last time in anger and saying, "goodbye forever" to me, she comes back (because she forgot something) and shows me where there is some leftover soup for me to eat. She seemed like she was almost concerned for me and making sure I had stuff to eat while they were gone. (I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself) But it was so so confusing. Within ten minutes she went from saying "goodbye forever" to saying, "I'll leave this soup in here for you."
I'm just hoping that she'll get used to me taking my life back and it'll get back to the usual "normal" but I suspect that since I will not be capitulating anymore and taking the blame for everything and apologizing for doing something to make her feel xyz three days before, that these episodes will be much more frequent. And I'm so scared for our daughter. I'm the source of stability for her. I care a lot about her and have done a lot of work to find out how to give her what she needs developmentally. I can put my stuff on hold to be with her 100%. My pwBPD cannot, obviously. All of this is about her. Leaving on a whim to stay with grandparents is not at all the stable household that my daughter needs to feel safe and grow.

Anyway, at the risk of making this longer I will leave this here. I would love any feedback, encouragement, etc. Being Out of the FOG feels like a whole new world, but it's much scarier out here. I am aware that I probably have some serious codependency issues to work on, as well.

[Srcyu]

Hello,
There are many people here who, like you, write long and thoughtful posts so you are in good company.
These are just my thoughts based on what you've said.

She sounds like a drama queen, enjoying causing disruption so long as she is in control. Saying, 'goodbye for ever' and then returning shortly afterwards is immature.

She enjoys treating you this way, she likes to push you around psychologically. She distorts the situation so she can blame you. She needs to be the princess. It really is all about her.

The business with the soup and the photos suggests manipulation maybe and triumph for her in that she can draw you back in whenever she wants. She thinks she can treat you this way and get away with it.

Can she?  Maybe not .........

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome to this informative and supportive site!
You might want to do some further reading "Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist " by Fjelstad was very helpful to me.  There is also an audiobook on YouTube that you might find helpful "No more Mr Nice Guy".
I totally agree with you that your daughters and your own well-being should be your priority. That is what you can work on.  You might want to get help for yourself because living with such an erratic and complicated person will traumatize you and you might have had some co-dependency or c-PTSD issues when you entered the relationship already.  Us vulnerable people tend to find complicated partners, because normal people just wouldn't put up with such behaviour. But we do.
You could also get some legal advice how you can spend time with your daughter. For example, your wife takes your daughter and visits her parents. Can you take your daughter and visit your parents?
A good idea could also be to start documenting the facts - threats to leave you and take your daughter away. (That is emotional abuse). Absences without letting you know when she will return.
Please read the Toolbox for strategies that can help you cope. See you around on the boards!

[byrninggould]

Thank you for those words, everybody. Thank you, so much user. I'm new around here so you'll have to help me with the acronyms. What is uPDw? And what is MC/GR? I am aware of Jade and that is helpful. The youtube channels I came across when I was investigating my own possible narcissistic tendencies and now I am watching them in a much different light. I think that my core issue is codependency. We were together for 3 years before we had our daughter and now when I go back and read journals from that time I see that ITS ALL THERE. I see how I am really questioning her neediness and the sense she must be saved and her invalidating and in all of these journal entries there's a turn from where I'm questioning her behavior and then I betray and abandon myself. I do this by saying, "oh well I'm like that too." Or, "im not being compassionate or understanding enough." And then I'll do some processing in the journal about my issues and completely ignore her behavior. I was really questioning leaving her that first year and I didn't becaise I think I really got a lift in self esteem thinking I could help her (codependency)

user, I appreciate you saying to go slow. Sometimes I feel like I have to decide to leave now. I'm just working on accepting the situation now. It seems like maybe you've found an equilibrium? That would be encouraging. I'm only a week or two in so my stress level is magnified since grasping the situation I'm now in. I have found that just radical acceptance of the situation I am in is the only way to quell the anxiety and uncertainty. Since establishing boundaries the mood shifts have been much with my wife. There has always been uncertainty with regard to her moods (anxious, happy, angry, despondent? ) but now it seems its either love bombing or angry. Two days ago she was love bombing me during an outing with some friends and their children. And then yesterday she was quite angry and made it a point, in passive aggressive ways, to let me know. Overall just a feeling of hostility. I just tried to smile and not let it bother me and I did a pretty good job but my heart was still racing and I got this sinking feeling in my stomach.

The comforting thing is that I think both of her parents seem to recognize the situation. They have their issues, but I don't think they are narcissistic people, but the trait does run in her dads side of the family. I just think her dad has either worked on himself somewhat or has just gotten a lesser genetic dose of the cluster B cocktail. But her parents are really hoping that therapy will help. We are going to group therapy next week. My parents and her parents are paying for it (we don't have a lot of money). Her parents recognize that she doesn't open up to them at all, yet I do. I think I treat them more openly emotionally than she does and so I think they respond well to that. Im not looking for them to take my 'side' but it does feel good to have some validation.

She keeps wanting to know when I'm going to come back to live at the house. But considering she went from leaving me an 'I love you' note two days ago to yesterday being mad and passive aggressive with me, it could be awhile. I told her I need to feel more safety, predictability, and ease. And she just responded that she wants those things too. She also said that more transparency and less secrets will help her feel safe (I've begun locking my phone because I journal there now instead if my physical journal and I've also locked her out of my audible account because she became FURIOUS I was reading a book about manipulation tactics.) So it feels like she wants to return to enmeshment to feel safe and thats the very thing that makes me unsafe. Of course, responding to me saying she wants the same EXACT things as me without even having curiosity as to what safety and security are for me shows that this is all a tactic and a game to her. Would you say im right about that?

Now that I'm setting boundaries (staying at a friend's house), I've had to decline having numerous invitations to have conversations to "connect' (usually devolving into her needing saved or a blame shifting fest). Whats hard is that she is so emotionally volatile but she seems to he able to hold it together for our young daughter who she takes care of most of the day while I'm at work but I try to see her whenever I can. But she's now becoming undone by my boundaries and I'm worried about her and mostly for our young daughter and I feel guilty and scared at the same time.

What's been difficult for me now is how unhinged and chaotic she has been (leading to my feeling very scared and panicky). I actually left to stay with a friend last week which has been a boon for my mental and emotional well being but its taken a lot of the control away from her because I now have a safe space. And she has been up and down, going from love bombing a few days ago to silent rage yesterday and today I think mostly due to my leaving the house and refusing to "connect" with her. Ans then later today she was texting wanting to talk so we can "connect". I asked her to please be more specific about what she means about connection and she said she wants to feel close to me and needs to know why we're gong to therapy and what I plan on working on. I just said I hope the therapist will provide some insight and that I will work on what I need to. I then said I just wanted to goto bed tonight (at my friends') because it was a big day. She replied with NOTHING. Which is interesting. Maybe I didn't give her any ammunition and also refused to meet with her. But I don't know how long I can keep this up. Eventually I will need to return to living with her, and I don't want our life to be just me constantly having to reinforce boundaries and her bringing up every past hurt and all the manipulation and going back to the panic attacks. I mean, does it get any easier? I'm only a few weeks Out of the FOG and really enjoy having my own space. Is permanent separation inevitable? Especially considering I think she has the unconventional BPD which means she will probably never commit to actually working on herself.

Any insight or words of encouragement would be appreciated.

[notrightinthehead]

Well, it seems you have given the answer to your question yourself. If your partner is not willing to work on herself and not willing to change then everything will stay as it is.
However, you can work on yourself. And you can apply the tools from the Toolbox. This made my home life significantly calmer. As to boundaries and staying watchful all the time - absolutely.  However, you can carve out some happiness for yourself by creating safe spaces and a good social network.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

My golden rule when coping with my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister is to always stay calm no matter what happens. I have learnt not to be provoked into anger and feed her narcissistic supply.

I have learnt that what my sister does is project all her issues onto me. What she says to me is what she thinks about herself. She blames me for how she feels. She can't accept any responsibility for her own extreme thoughts, feelings and behaviour. She has caused so much upset and trauma in our family for decades.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

We need to work on building our self esteem. We need to realise that abuse is never acceptable.