This finally makes sense now.

[From Ashes]

My heart is pounding.  Palms sweating.  I swallow hard and feel my stomach flutter. 

My body is reacting physically to my story.  It makes me sick.  Being trapped in a body, the one he wanted so badly and the one they hated so much, made me sick for a long time.

There is hope for me.

The more I talk about it, the better it gets. 

The better I feel

The more normal my experiences feel.

The easier to process.

I get a little strong, a little louder and feel the wound healing.

But nobody wants to talk to me.

Nobody wants to give me the space to tell my story.

So I am here to say, fuck you all.

I am here to tell my story. 

I am the only one who needs to acknowledge something for it to be true. 

If  the world tells me I shouldn't feel this way, I am still allowed to feel this way.

It doesn't make me dramatic.  Or wrong.  Or unworthy. 

Because, I am enough. 

I am allowed to be mad.   I am allowed to make noise. 

I am going to tell my story.  Afterall, this story it all they ever gave me.


"I cannot believe who you have become and you are more than welcome to stay out of my life."

: I have a lot of words for you, but you are not worth them."

"I have always been the one to cheer for you but WOW I am done with that."

"I am the only one who stood by you, how dare you."

"You do not exist in my world"

"I am not picking sides"

:"I do not allow drama or bullshit in my life you little drama queen"

"Its not that I don't believe you, I do."

"I don't remember, maybe it happened to me too."

"I am not laughing because its funny"

"Josh has never liked you"

"Laura would be fucked without you/a man"

"Laura doesnt need that much money, she's being selfish"

"shes probably jealous, thats why shes treating you badly"

"if you do sit ups every morning, you'll lose the weight"

"Aw, porkchop"

"i didnt give you that supplement because I thought you were fat!"

"my biggest fear is your going to end up sitting at a computer, 300 pounds, eating bon bons all day

"your just not the type of person that can get through university"

"your just not the type of girl that works at a place like that"

""What are you even tired from anyways ''

'"if you died i'd piss on your grave"

"I like you so much better now"

"Its not like hes even around kids anymore, he's so old"

"Telling them anything will just upset grandma"
"Its no surprise men like young girls, their skin is so flawless."

"I punched you because your a bitch"

"You're wearing that to the zoo, it's practically an evening gown, you look ridiculous"

"Do you want me to tell you why that pan looks like that?  Do you really want to know?  Its because you didnt wash it properly"

"I am not coming in, your house stinks, I'll stand out here."

"You have no right to cut me out"

"There is a reason the rearview mirror is smaller than the windshield, don't look in the past"

"Fuck you, I cant make you happy Laura"


These are some of the words I heard from my family since coming out about my grandfather molesting me.

I knew at the time,  I wasn't worthy of their support and wasn't surprised they were upset and withdrawn from me. Little did I know, I was now the family scapegoat.

Its hard now to write those words here, but I am also grateful for it. Most of the quotes above were over facebook messenger, text or eail so I can copy them, read them and remember the pain they caused.

Unfortunately though, for my own sanity, alot of the words spewed at me were not in any record. 

They were not kept so I could follow along and realize how often I was attacked like this.  Only fleeting moments were held in a memory or recorded so I can prove to myself, something is wrong.

Maybe There was a pattern, a cover up, that maybe I wasn't a horrible person who deserved to be abused, just for being.

I have spent a long time trying to convince my family,  I am worthy of them.  Their companionship, trust, love maybe even admiration.  I have clawed and pleaded to be understood my whole life. 

Well not anymore.

Now I know, they're the ones not worthy of me.

I am writing this to my family.  I am writing this to myself.  I am writing this to maybe one day share my experience with the world. 

I think I want my story to say to others,

If someone is molesting you, nobody really cares.  They are already 10 steps ahead of you.

Your name is already worthless and your words are meaningless. This is so much bigger than you.

Just call the police and fuck all of them. 

They all already know.

[bloomie]

Hi From Ashes - I am thankful you have found this amazing community and my heart breaks for you that you have experienced such terrible invalidation and abuse at the hands of those entrusted to hear and protect you. Thank you for trusting us with this part of your story. I hear you. I believe you. You are worthy and valuable.

To point you toward some specifics here... there are great conversations taking place on the forum boards that are insightful and where you can pose questions you may have and find support for the healing journey you are on. We have resources at the drop down menus above and other media resources as well. Take your time and look through all there is for you here and draw strength and learn tools from others who have walked difficult paths as well.

I hope you are physically out of the situation where you could be further abused and that, along with reaching out here, you are building an in real life support system around yourself.

Again, welcome and I look forward to supporting you!

[From Ashes]

Hi From Ashes..

Hi bloomie.

That is very kind. Thank you for the welcome. The post I made was a copy and paste from one of my journal entries. I never considered it could be preserved that I am still in that place.

I never thought about someone thinking of my safety.

Know that I am an adult now. Two wonderful son and a married to my high school sweetheart. I am now safe and have lived as a cast away from my family and on my own since my emancipation at 15.

Thank you for thinking of my safety and I'm sorry I wasn't clear that this is not my current reality. ❤️❤️❤️

[From Ashes]

From Ashes,

Thank you for sharing your story here. I'm so sorry for what you have faced. This is a good community to share your story!

Hi user.

What is an FOO?

This is a long winded response. Currently I  have gone no contact, but it is very recent.

I didn't really know if I had "ground" or the "right" to do that until just a few weeks ago.

A little backround, I have three sisters, a borderline mother and a father in my immediate family. My father was very much a victim and although I didn't speak to him for several years (it was frowned upon by my mother) he and I now speak.

Infact, he's really the only person in the world who can actually see what's happening because he and I are the same in that way. 

What brought on the no contact...

A few weeks ago I got a text from my mother for the first time in a year. If I can post photos I have screen shots of this conversation actually. Can I do that?

While trying to read up on my experience in that text exchange, I used the phrase "scapegoat" in a google search. Who knew it is actually a thing. I couldn't believe it. Over the span of a few days I read and read and read. Related more and more. I found so much validation. 

It was what I needed to go no contact.

Which for me was really easy because sister 1 never speaks to me anyways, sister 2 I already told to leave me alone because she couldn't stop telling me how amazing our grandpa is, and sister 3 wasn't speaking to me because I did things that I don't know about. I actually don't know why she is mad at me and my husband. Something to do with my husband not renovating her house and not wanting to babysit? I think something like that.

When I deleted them sister 3 messaged me "how dare you'" "fuck you" "i was the only one who stood by you" that type of thing.

This is all really recent but at the same time so very old.

I've been keeping a list to set me straight when I feel guilty. It Reminds me  why I need to disconnect.  Those quotes above are a few from that list.

Thanks for asking. It feels good to talk about it.