What can you expect?

[rainintheface2023]

Hi all,

Lately I'm wondering what I can expect from my DPDw with regards to like everyday chores, time together etc. She does sleep alot during the day and weekends when possible (sometimes afternoons as well). Chores are mostly for me after a full day of work execpt for cooking when she is up to it. I know the  depression isn't going away and is cripling her but what is reasonable to be asking I wonder.

A therapist once told me to still be addressing her 'healthy side'  in cases I have to confront her about things which I usually don't because she seems deep into it at most times and don't want to make it any worse.

How do ya'll cope with this and also the outlook on the rest of our lives together. I used to be able to paint a picture of things I want out of this life but find it hard as I do think the future will not change much.

Thanks guys for ranting a bit here

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I think you said it yourself - this is how she's presenting and it probably won't change, maybe even get worse as she ages?

But you can change and find ways to enjoy your life.  Maybe the chores have to wait and you can find activities you like to do, with or without her.  Spend more time thinking about yourself and your life, than hers.  I wish I followed that advice years ago

Wishing you well on this journey

[square]

Your options as I see them:

- Figure out what's fair to expect (with or without her input) and continually enforce it in some way.

- Do the work yourself.

- Let the work go undone.

- End the relationship.

Thinking along those lines can just help you make your choices. And your choices really are personal to you. I have largely chosen option 3, because I am disabled and I really can't keep up with it and feel very resentful paying such a price, and I also pay an emotional price for trying to enforce things. If I had more energy, I might choose to just do it myself and mostly accept it. And either way, it certainly gets added to the complex calculations of the last option.

[Poison Ivy]

 

My ex-husband has had depression, anxiety, and ADHD since childhood. (He's now in his 60s.) I struggled very much as the spouse of a person with a lot of mental health issues. It wasn't easy for either of us. You have my sympathy.

[rainintheface2023]

I think you said it yourself - this is how she's presenting and it probably won't change, maybe even get worse as she ages?

But you can change and find ways to enjoy your life.  Maybe the chores have to wait and you can find activities you like to do, with or without her.  Spend more time thinking about yourself and your life, than hers.  I wish I followed that advice years ago

Wishing you well on this journey

Thank you very much for your reply. I do hope there will still be more improvement for her as she is willing to work on it. Thinking more about myself is a great point and also hard as it has taken a back seat for so many years. How did you implement that in your life eventually?

Your options as I see them:

- Figure out what's fair to expect (with or without her input) and continually enforce it in some way.

- Do the work yourself.

- Let the work go undone.

- End the relationship.

Thinking along those lines can just help you make your choices. And your choices really are personal to you. I have largely chosen option 3, because I am disabled and I really can't keep up with it and feel very resentful paying such a price, and I also pay an emotional price for trying to enforce things. If I had more energy, I might choose to just do it myself and mostly accept it. And either way, it certainly gets added to the complex calculations of the last option.

Square thank you for your reply. It's really helpful to be thinking along those lines although I am committed and won't be ending the relationship. For me I think a combination of letting the work slide and doing it myself eventually as I get tired of all the mess. Sorry to hear that you feel very resentful, wishing you much strength as well!

[rainintheface2023]

My ex-husband has had depression, anxiety, and ADHD since childhood. (He's now in his 60s.) I struggled very much as the spouse of a person with a lot of mental health issues. It wasn't easy for either of us. You have my sympathy.

Thanks for sharing Poisin Ivy! That must have been hard for you both. How did you cope along the way?  We are in our early forties so still have a lot of time ahead so I just want to make the best of it. Over the years accepting my reality more and more but still am grieving what could have been.

One time she told me she believes that chores in the household should be divided more traditionally between man and woman. So putting out the trash etc. Fine by me but my list seems to be very long. At the end of the day when I just finished putting the kids to bed, she expects me to make her a drink but it's never the other way around. I don't mind doing it but it would be nice if it was going both ways. But by that time I dont have the energy to be arguing about it you know?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, RITF.  This doesn't address the whole problem you pose, but here's something I did that made me feel better in my non-reciprocal relationship.

When my PDex would expect me to serve him (which he expected in all ways at all times),  I began to stop taking those expectations into consideration and just do what I felt like. If I felt like doing something for him, fine.  If I didn't want to fix him a drink or snack (either because I was tired or because I was sick of the non-reciprocity), I would just do mine and not offer any explanation.  If he tried to start something about how selfish I was, I wouldn't engage.  Maybe say "Oh" or "Yeah, I'm tired, too."    I remember once saying "If I do that I'll feel resentful and I don't want to feel that, so I'm just going to do this." 

Narcs like the people around them to be their servants, so, of course, he'd be mad.  But I felt so much better doing things for him because I wanted to at that particular moment than because I'm in a state of servitude.

Of course, if you haven't tried letting her know how nice it would be to be on the receiving end at times, you could try that.  In my relationship with a full blown pwPD, that did nothing.  But it doesn't hurt to try.

[rainintheface2023]

Welcome to Out of the FOG, RITF.  This doesn't address the whole problem you pose, but here's something I did that made me feel better in my non-reciprocal relationship.

When my PDex would expect me to serve him (which he expected in all ways at all times),  I began to stop taking those expectations into consideration and just do what I felt like. If I felt like doing something for him, fine.  If I didn't want to fix him a drink or snack (either because I was tired or because I was sick of the non-reciprocity), I would just do mine and not offer any explanation.  If he tried to start something about how selfish I was, I wouldn't engage.  Maybe say "Oh" or "Yeah, I'm tired, too."    I remember once saying "If I do that I'll feel resentful and I don't want to feel that, so I'm just going to do this." 

Narcs like the people around them to be their servants, so, of course, he'd be mad.  But I felt so much better doing things for him because I wanted to at that particular moment than because I'm in a state of servitude.

Of course, if you haven't tried letting her know how nice it would be to be on the receiving end at times, you could try that.  In my relationship with a full blown pwPD, that did nothing.  But it doesn't hurt to try.

I do think that it might help to mention it as she can handle this kind of feedback and also considers my well being to some degree. It seems she sometimes is just not capable after a whole day of working through her own issues and life in general..

[rainintheface2023]

Rain,

I'm not clear on the details of your story and your wife, but something that I've been asking myself as I read this thread: Is your wife's lack of engagement in daily activities due to her depression, or due to her PD behaviors?

To be honest I'm not sure but I think that it could be caused by both. The depression is ongoing (years on end now) and causing a lack of engagement which in part is fueled by negative though pattern caused by the PD I think. If that makes sense?

Do you think it could be of impact?