I'm Not Afraid to Leave, I'm Afraid to Leave Him

[clarityneeded]

My uNPD/BPD crossed my theoretical line in the sand at the end of August by throwing something at me. There had been years of emotional abuse and trauma prior to that however.

Since that day, I have made tremendous progress. There has always been a pattern of sweeping things under the rug or just appeasing him to keep the peace. The day after this happened he came to bed and tried to cuddle with me. I wouldn't move. The next night he did it again and I wouldn't move. The third night, he didn't even bother and slept downstairs. He slept downstairs for nearly a month which was actually nice for me. I had to travel for a week for work and when I got home his pillow was back in the bed. I was dreading what would happen that night. He, of course, tired to cuddle with me and I didn't move again. The next night he actually tried to pull my shirt to get me close to him and I wouldn't move.

Things came to a head a few weeks ago. In front of my daughter, he started escalating and said she was asking him why we didn't love each other anymore, why we didn't kiss anymore, why we didn't hug anymore and that I was just pushing him away. She started crying and I told her to put her shoes on so we could leave and he kept going. She screamed, "I just want you to love each other!" He told me - can't you see you're torturing her! I told him to stop talking about this in front of her and he wouldn't stop so I ended up leaving the house for about an hour. I came home and I asked my daughter to go to her room and shut the door.

I told him my line in the sand was physical abuse and he threw something at me...and then the gaslighting began. He said, "I threw something at you?" twice with almost a smirk on his face. I said yes, an empty bottle first. He said I had him cornered and was yelling at him. I told him I went into the laundry room first to get my clean clothes and he went in there and yes, I yelled at him to never call me a fucking bitch in front of our son again. Then I told him after the bottle, it was the hamper. His response, "We were just doing laundry." It was unbelievable and I told him that's not what happened and in addition to that, he never apologized. He told me he apologized to our son and I said, that didn't matter, he didn't apologize to ME. He responded that of course it didn't matter because it was all about me.

What I do know is there will never be an apology, a change, ownership, compromise, compassion, empathy, or anything I emotionally need in a partner when it comes to him. He's starting to get angry and more resentful due to not having sex with me but I can't go back to pattern. I am just so afraid of what's going to happen or what he will do. In a way, I feel responsible for him and like he is one of my children.

Advice please.

[Poison Ivy]

My advice is that you contact an agency or organization that focuses on helping victims of domestic abuse and do so as soon as possible: today or tomorrow. You're in a dangerous situation, and no one wants you or your child to come to harm because of how your partner is behaving.

[notrightinthehead]

You should be very worried. My husband actually woke up our little daughter one night and told her she needed to decide right now if she wanted to live with me or him because I had refused to have sex with him. She was less than ten at that time and she cried so much and was so scared. Years later she was still traumatized by the memory and wrote an essay about it.
What you describe worries me. He is terrorizing the kids too. He is scaring them. Please try to calm down your home life, not by giving in but by using the tools from the Toolbox. You might want to consider finding out where the next women's shelter is too and take your kids and run, next time he throws something at you. Or call the police. Please put your own and your kids safety first.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Why wait until the next time.

That's absolutely sick how your children are being used and abused. HE is torturing the kids by making them a party to your fights, pressuring you to go back to status quo to "protect" them.

[escapingman]

The longer you stay and let him behave like that the worse it will get. I thought I could manage the situatuon with the kids but in the end the manipulations went so bad I have lost one daughter to STBX. STBX would rage and scream at me, then complain to the kids that I wasn't speaking to her. They do anything to get their way, no hesitation to damage the kids just to win. Please make sure you all are safe, get in touch with a lawyer, police, social services, doctors, shelters anything that could help you.

I am thinking of you, it's frightening and so difficult to see the trees for the forest.

[Lotus2]

clarityneeded - what you have described I have also been through. It is very scary, but please try and follow the advice given here. 

When my uBPDh got violent I went to family court and was awarded a Stay away order of protection, and our lives were at peace!! We were no longer scared. Then it expired and I gave in to the love bombing, manipulation and lies - and unfortunately I dropped the order of protection because I believed he had changed. He did not change.

Please put your and your children's safety first. This is very traumatic. I know this is hard, but it will only get worse if you do not act.  I am sending you and your children hugs. You can do this.

[clarityneeded]

Thank you all. He sent me a text messages last night that I have not responded to and he's still sleeping that asked if I thought it was time we discussed separation. I am going to hit the toolbox hard this morning. It almost feels like a set up.

[square]

One possible reply is "what are your plans?" - which neither reveals yours nor accepts any responsibility for his choices.

[JustKeepTrying]

 

Please make a plan. The tools here and the links listed above are valuable.   I used them.  I left when the abuse became a punch.  I should have left when the things were thrown.  I stayed. decades longer than I should have and it has taken a physical toll on. me.  Don't let this be you or your children.

Please don't wait.  Nothing is worth your safety or health.