Sad thing that shows how different out parent are :-(

[p123]

Fella in work with me. He was in monday - his Dad had passed away suddenly over the weekend aged 73.

Im friendly with him and had a chat. He'd decided to work to keep busy but his attitude was really positive. He'd had a lovely weekend with his Dad - they'd had VIP tickets to the football. They regularly played golf together. His attitude was that it was sad but he'd not regret anything and had made the most of their time.

Made me a bit sad to think of my Dad. We don't go away any more, I don't even take him out for dinner. All because of his negative attitudes, his rudeness to other people and his lack of manners. To be honest, it got so bad that I'd get stressed about taking him anywhere. It was a trial.

Even now I go to see him and he treats me like a slave to be honest. He doesn't see my grandkids (his fault he was never interested) or my wife (again his fault) and I go to see him hes stuck in his house. He won't spend any money to help himself - given up on that one. He just sits there and moans...... Gods waiting room most surely my Dad is in.

Its just so sad that when he goes I definitely can't say we made the most of the last few years together.....

[NarcKiddo]

It is sad, but it sounds like you've done what you can. If he has made it impossible for the time to have been more enjoyable that is down to him, not you.

I've taken the view that my conscience is clear and that's the best I can do. I would like things to have been different but there's nothing I can do about that.

[Psuedonym]

I feel you on this one, p123,

Even the difference between my parents was jarring. My dad was definitely not perfect, he enabled/denied uPDMs behaviors, but he was a functioning adult with appropriate boundaries (i.e. he believed he was responsible for his own life and happiness). I loved spending time with my dad and I have great memories of him. uPDM was toxically jealous of him and referred to him often as a 'martyr'. Why? Because he did not dump every negative emotion, experience, or mood he had all over me so that I could fix it, which she regarded as my obligation because I 'owed her'. In fact she'd often wait until he wasn't home to call and do just that, usually starting the conversation with 'your dad said not to bother you with this BUT....' and shockingly I absolutely loathed being anywhere near her.

It's okay to be sad that your experience is so different from your coworkers. Just remember there's nothing you can do to fix it. Because you can't change anybody else, especially someone with the mentality of a small child thinking that if they throw a tantrum for long enough they'll get everything they want, which in his case would require you making him the center of your life so he could spend more time complaining about how unhappy he is, because we all know that if you moved him into your house, quit your job, and spend every waking moment catering to him, he'd still be the biggest victim in the world with an endless list of complaints and gripes.   

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I agree, it is sad. How comforting it would be in a time of grief and loss to carry the feeling in your heart that you enjoyed the best of times with them up to the end.

I do not believe there is much we can do to change how others live their lives or think or behave. I used to spend so much time trying to figure out how my parents would complain about their lives when I always thought they had so much. They both had good careers, and in their mid-80's are mostly healthy, have friends, have kids and grandkids who are healthy and well. How could anyone be miserable with that.
     
While in the fog, I used to always try to bolster them up which I think many scapegoats might do. Now I think I just realize they are unable to recognize the abundance in their life. To have so much and be unable to enjoy it is incredibly sad.

[p123]

It just makes me so sad that he does literally NOTHING just sit in his flat and moan and groan about everything. He won't do anything for himself and his life seems to just be a mission to get other to run around for him.

I offer to help make things better and he just not want to spend ANY money - would rather keep it in the bank for some reason.

I can't take him away for the weekend or out to lunch like I used. Hes just so hard work not just with the way he treats me. Hes rude to people in hotels, staff in restaurants. Its just impossible.

And he doesn't see his grandkids. He occasionally moans about this but for years he had no interest at all. My youngest is 9 and he hasnt seen her for years and she just does not know him any more. For years I'd take her to see him, he'd ignore her and she'd sit in the corner or even if went out in the car it'd be all about him - if wanted to go home then I had to go, she had no time to play in the park, he wanted her to sit there and do as she was told.  In the end, as she got older, I stopped taking her.

Friends and family have cut ties with him also. Because of how he is. Its never his fault but it most definitely is. He tells me how x can no longer give him a lift to church, or y can't get his newspaper every day any more and I just know hes taken liberties (he does this a lot!) with their kindness and they've had it with him.

I feel guily because now I think "why are you still alive?" Hes unahppy, he makes me unhappy - its just not on.  I'm always worried I won't even be sad when he goes to be honest. In one way I might even be relieved that hes gone and he never caused me to get divorced (his behaviour almost did until I shut it down a few years ago).