Big progress in accepting myself

[square]

Things are actually really good with my husband. This year, he's made a real effort, and blowups have gotten rare enough that I honestly can live with it - maybe three or four this year, all managed much much better by both of us.

I had made a bit of progress managing an in law blowup some months ago, and while I was not totally at ease with it, I had definitely levelled up. After, I posted here sharing some musings about whether it was okay to have amused contempt toward them, at least as a stepping stone toward amused indifference.

I think I found that in an unexpected place. I've been amusing myself reading about the MBTI and Jung's personality theories. I'm not taking it super seriously, it's just fun and also an interesting way to model aspects of personality. So it doesn't matter to me whether any of it is super scientific.

But reading about the type I appear to be associated with (INTP) has felt freeing, because it feels good to realize there are other people in the world like me. I feel self conscious about overanalyzing stuff (cough, cough) but here is a model that says some types of people do just that and there is a very nice spot in society for them.

I also read in several places that INTPs have feelings (which may come as a surprise to those around them), but that they don't like to reveal or discuss them until they've thought about them and made sense of them.

Wow.

Posting here, I feel like I display just ridiculous amounts of emotion, far more than in real life. I'm not robotic, I smile a lot and laugh a lot, but multiple people have told me they never know what I'm thinking (I think they meant what I'm feeling). And now it makes sense. I process my feelings here, so I look super emotional. But this is just an extension of my inner thoughts. I don't care to reveal my feelings irl unless it makes some kind of logical sense.

So I have lately embraced this rather than feeling ashamed. I'm a normal INTP, whether that's a real thing or not.

So a few days ago when there was a conflict, I felt, for the first time, totally fine sbout not reacting emotionally. I wasn't faking it. I wasn't pretending to be unruffled. I was just unruffled. I wasn't a 0/10 emotionally but a 2/10 and that was just fine.

If someone had accused me of not caring, that would have bounced off and not stuck. I'm built this way, and all the emotionality flying around was not acheiving any objective. Not only is there nothing wrong with me not getting upset, I prefer it.

It is strange because I could have said this a year ago or ten years ago, but now it's like a piece has slid into place. I give myself permission to be more logical than emotional. I'm fine that way.  People can dislike it, that's fine, not my business. They can be all emotional, also their business.

I seriously doubt I'll never be upset again but I feel like the bar for me getting upset is a lot higher now.

I don't know if this makes one lick of sense. But it's just that I feel more at ease with myself, and dumped some insecurities I'm not sure I even knew I had.

And I give myself permission to not take other people so seriously. INTPs are notoriously gray (abhor black and white thinking) and keep a really open mind. So my value system leans away from thinking "I'm right and you're wrong." But when people are melting down because they aren't getting their way, I don't care any more. I don't have to take them seriously. I can assume I'm being more logical than they are. That's kind of an a-h thing to say but I don't care any more, and counterintuitively I may be a better, and perhaps even more pleasant, person for it.

[Poison Ivy]

Thank you for sharing this, square. I heard a radio interview today with Dr. Vivek Murthy (currently U.S. surgeon general). One of the things he said is that self-acceptance is a key factor in maintaining good mental health, and that it has two components: self-knowledge and self-compassion. Your post suggests to me that you are doing well with all of these.

[JustKeepTrying]

Square - thank you for this beautiful and thought provoking share.  I have never viewed you as emotional - I take you for who you are which is a kind, supportive and insightful fellow who is walking this path with me.  And I love you for it.  This sense of peace and acceptance that you have is truly a lovely thing to see.

As a fellow INTP, I totally get the gray.  Just recently my T gave me a book titled The Gift of Intensity By Imi Lo.  I think that people in our area lean this way - you may not but one thing the books talks a lot about is that feelings are just that - feelings.  They come and go and we can decide to follow.  Interestingly, they on average only last 90 sec. - according to the book.

Regardless, this is a wonderful post friend.

[Jolie40]

I was listening today to a talk by Zainab Salbi, an activist.
She was always giving, giving, giving but not taking care of herself. Then 3 years ago, she got sick & almost died. She then realized she needed to be kind to herself.

So good for you square for learning to accept yourself!
We all need to do that & be kind to ourselves.

[SonofThunder]

Square - thank you for this beautiful and thought provoking share.  I have never viewed you as emotional - I take you for who you are which is a kind, supportive and insightful fellow who is walking this path with me.  And I love you for it.  This sense of peace and acceptance that you have is truly a lovely thing to see.

I think that people in our area lean this way - you may not but one thing the books talks a lot about is that feelings are just that - feelings.  They come and go and we can decide to follow

  +1

INTJ here.  Square, I fully understand what your wrote and do the same, in indifference.  Congratulations on your forward progress.

SoT

[square]

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate your replies!

Square - thank you for this beautiful and thought provoking share.  I have never viewed you as emotional - I take you for who you are which is a kind, supportive and insightful fellow who is walking this path with me.  And I love you for it.  This sense of peace and acceptance that you have is truly a lovely thing to see.

As a fellow INTP, I totally get the gray.  Just recently my T gave me a book titled The Gift of Intensity By Imi Lo.  I think that people in our area lean this way - you may not but one thing the books talks a lot about is that feelings are just that - feelings.  They come and go and we can decide to follow.  Interestingly, they on average only last 90 sec. - according to the book.

Regardless, this is a wonderful post friend.

Ok, I'm wiping away an extremely logical tear 

Thank you for such a sweet message, and I might check out that book, sounds interesting!

[square]

That your personality (more logical than emotional) is not flawed--it's just the way you're made. I've heard similar things about Introversion. An author I love is Susan Cain, who wrote the book Quiet. In it, she talks about how Introvert Children are told they need to "come out of their shell" and other terms that make their Introversion seem like a deficiency. But the reality is, there's nothing wrong with Introversion! A quiet child doesn't need to "come out of her shell" or "open up". They are perfectly fine being the way they are. In the same way, there's nothing wrong with you being more logical and less emotional.

Yes, exactly! Luckily, I did not receive the "introversion is bad" message growing up (both parents are introverts for starters) but I know others who did.

I don't know if anyone was really being mean to me, but "you're overthinking it" is definitely a thing I've heard and have tried to limit what I share, including here but I really need to think in this space so I do.

Interestingly, my husband, who is a different type, receives my musings well, and this has been no small part of my bond to him. One of very very very few people who I can think out loud to and can take it.

What you wrote was really helpful to me, because time and time again uPDw tells me I'm being "cold and emotionless" in an argument, and like you, I feel 2/10 on the emotional scale and I feel like I should be higher, even though I'm not. But wow, there's nothing wrong with that!

Yes, I have been accused of not caring. The thing is, I used to get upset. But part of my upset was driven by my very real but invisible to me discomfort about what I was supposed to be feeling.

The other part that upset me, the main part, would be I would feel a great amount of discomfort with reality bending antilogic. He would say something so utterly preposterous, like blaming me for something I didn't have the slightest hand in, and my mind would break. It would really upset me to try to figure out how he could possibly think that way. It wasn't even the unfairness of it, but the illogic that I couldn't handle.

Well, now I have understood more viscerally that he is not using logic, just feelings. So I can just throw it away. His feelings are his business.

He has been in a good space lately, so I told him about the stuff I read. He seemed open to the ideas about how we think differently, and maybe he also felt validated that there are others like him.