First Holiday Season of NC

[InvisibleDaughter]

It's been 3 glorious months of NC with my NP Mom. Approaching this holiday season I don't know what to expect.

My aunt (her sister) usually has a family get together on Christmas Eve. Last year I attended Church so I wouldn't see my Mom. I'm just over all the fakeness. My Mom acts all normal and lovey in front of everyone and I can't handle it anymore.

I did miss seeing my other relatives. I'm not sure what to do this year.

Last year was tough because my Mom kept badgering me about why I didn't attend the Christmas party. I told her I wanted to spend it at Church, which was the truth.

Any advice? How do most of you who are NC deal with family gatherings?

[Pinkos]

The short answer: I don't. My parents have smeared me and cried victim to everyone so I have nowhere to go. I pretty much spend the holidays alone. I've gotten used to it but it's still a difficult period for me leading up to the day. But I never miss doing the family gatherings either. I don't long for them. Im sad but it's more peaceful this way. Im contemplating taking a vacation somewhere this year. I've done that in the past.

Sorry for the bleak answer. Since this is your first year please be kind and loving towards yourself and remember how miserable the alternative can be.

[Lalitha]

Hi invisible daughter, I'm in a similar situation. I have no intention of resuming contact as I'm focused on healing and cannot get through with the FOO about. I went NC knowing that it meant not seeing the wider family but for me the childhood abuse and continuing scapegoating and attempts to control me as an adult make NC the only option for the foreseeable. The added complication for us is our kids are used to seeing my FOO particularly this time of year so it will require careful handling on my part. I don't have a plan as such yet, other than making plans to spend more time with DH family who are thankfully lovely.
Pinkos a vacation sounds like a good plan. We have done that a lot in the past to avoid commitments to see my FOO. This year we're staying home for the first time in years. I'm expecting the usual narc games from them but we have a doorbell cam which at least puts NPD-M off turning up. In my experience narcs hate cameras. Anyway I'm sure I'll be back on here as the season progresses and their games begin.

[donutmoonpanda]

In my experience the first holiday season NC is the hardest one. I'm NC with my parents, who have been divorced for many years. I spend holidays with my spouse's family or with friends. All my family lives in different states and we aren't close anyway. I won't lie, it's a bummer. But it's better this way.

My advice is to do whatever you want to do. Whatever feels good for you. If they're going to misbehave, so be it. You can handle it in the moment, whatever they try to pull. But stay focused on what it is you want, what will make you happy, and do that for yourself no matter what. Don't let the fear of their antics keep you from doing what's right for you. Focus on what comforts and fulfills you. You need to practice that because that's the job from now on, once you go NC.

My family doesn't really pull any stunts, just a lame greeting card here and there. They have really stayed away and it took no effort on my part. So my holidays are eerily quiet and pretty lonely. It takes real effort on my part to liven it up, do things that make me happy, and also not get trapped in the "Hallmark" mentality that the holidays need to look the way they do on TV.

[Leonor]

Oh my goodness, donut, I'm so sorry I misread your post!

And good for you, for seeing clearly as your dh is feeling a little foggy himself. I was absolutely in his place for a while, overextending myself for his parents too.

One day, you will have your very own holidays just the way you like them. What would that fantasy look like, if there were no consequences and money/time weren't an issue?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

InvisibleDaughter (love & relate to that name!), I'm glad you're seeing the benefits of NC!  I'm mostly VVLC with FOO. I won't be seeing them or any of their (my) relatives for the holidays, but perhaps FOC - not sure about that yet.

I have no suggestions, but I wish you good holidays.  It can be a painful time of the year, but you sound in good shape.

Donut, what marvelous advice in your second paragraph. Such clarity & FOGlessness!   I think I'll copy it and have it on hand for this time of year and beyond.  Very good advice for an old codependent like me. 

[olivegirl]

  This will be my 2nd holiday that I am NC with my toxic parents. 

Due to their smear campaign, my husband and I are isolated and estranged from our families. 

While last year was tough, I have been preparing all year for this holiday season.

Hobbies are a form of self-care and learning a new skill has been beneficial for me to avoid ruminating over what my sociopathic parents have done to me. 

I am brushing up on my studies of a foreign language and I have purchased a beginner's crochet kit.

I do feel very lonely this time of year.  I plan on attending a few conversation groups and knitting circles to widen my support network.

And we scheduled a vacation too.

I am changing it up this year!!

We are here for you!!

[Liketheducks]

I'm now VLC after being NC for several years.   That first holiday season WAS difficult.   One thing that helped me was establishing new FOC traditions.   
My FOO had very oddly specific food traditions surrounding the holidays.   If the meal didn't include certain dishes, prepared in certain ways....it was wrong.  (Think green bean casserole with the canned fried onions, or box stuffing)  I LOVE to cook and experiment.   That first year, I made all the foods just the way I wanted to.   The dishes that were supposed to be dairy free, I found new recipes that included butter.   It felt rebellious and decadent....and tasted oh so much better.    We scheduled trips, bought matching Christmas pajamas, followed breakfast with a long run, just generally did exactly what we wanted to do.   
Now, I include my FOO when it works best for me....or not at all, if I'm not feeling up to the necessary enforcement of boundaries that my FOO requires.   If I do include my BPD Mom, she is always quick to point out that this dish shouldn't include butter.  And, I politely tell her that we like it just the way it is, and she doesn't have to eat it;)

[My New Life]

I have been NC with NPD mom for 4 1/2 years. We have spent those holidays with my husband's family, or traveling.  My husband, who is supportive, initially thought we should still include my mom in major holidays, but that really wasn't possible.  Any contact with me, would have resulted in intense accusations of how I "abandoned" her, and demands for me to explain, and that would have been the entirety of our holiday.  She is unrelenting.

 I love Liketheducks ideas of creating a holiday that feels good to you.  I found traveling helped me deal with guilt.  How could I spend the day with her, when I was out of town?  I also send flowers from our entire family for her birthday and Christmas, which helps with lingering guilt or obligation.  Flowers are nice, and impersonal.  The note says: "Happy Holidays! Best Wishes, The "Family name." 

One thing I try to remember: I made a lot of sacrifices to go NC, and one of the main rewards is freedom from attack.  So I try to enjoy the freedom of not having to put every detail of our holiday through the filter of her - food cooked the wrong way or with ingredients she won't eat; examining every conversation for info she might use against my family and/or me; meeting at the wrong time, the wrong place; not spending enough time with her and spending too much time with my husband's family; getting the wrong gift or not reacting the correct way when receiving her gifts; tip-toeing around any subject that could be weaponized during the visit; assessing the temperature of the room, who she sits next to, and if she gets enough face-time with grandkids; and creating an protective energy field around myself, so I am not shattered by whatever sh** she might fling at me, while I raced around trying to create the perfect holiday. 
Peace on Earth.  Goodwill to humans:)

[Call Me Cordelia]

The first holiday season I was NC, my sister was hosting Thanksgiving. I was honest with her and said, hey, I'm sorry but I simply cannot handle being around mom and dad right now. I need to opt out of Thanksgiving this year. I was happy with that. If it's safe enough, I think honesty is the best policy. No gory details or over-explaining necessary. It's not a discussion, just an RSVP. Attending church is a fine answer too, though, in my opinion. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Of course, by the following Christmas I was NC with the entire dang family. So it probably didn't matter a hill off beans to the outcome what I had said about skipping Thanksgiving.

We all do the best we can with the reality we have. Some of us are able to have boundaried relationships with other family members after we go NC, but my impression is that it's more common to end up accepting the loss of the entire family system. I only know of trial and error with boundaries for getting to figure out which possibilities you really have available to you. This is really hard to navigate the consequences of your loss and just how far they really stretch. My heart is with you this Christmas season.