recently illuminated

[IsYourNameNotBruce?]

Hi, all. Spouse and I have been going through tremendous difficulties this year. I'm in individual and couples therapy and very proud of a mountain of work and improvement I've been making lately.

Recently in couples therapy (which was an entire ordeal to get us into) she "reminded" me that she is diagnosed OCPD. I didn't remember her ever informing me of OCPD specifically before. Also, I had no idea what OCPD was and made the common assumption that it was just OCD which I also know little about. She often jokes about OCD-type stuff in the past and so when she mentioned OCPD, I didn't really put much thought into it. All the while before and since, blame for our problems has been laid at my feet and/or her insecurity has made her question (broadly) whether we're healthy for each other. She mentioned the OCPD a second time in therapy a few weeks later and it took me until this week to actually realize I had no idea what that meant.

Now, about 3 days into learning about it from sources that aren't her and... the past decade makes so much sense. I still have a ton of my own part in our relationship that needs attention, but I'm just now realizing how much of the OCPD hasn't actually been addressed for us.

I haven't had a chance to talk to either therapist yet about this, but I'm hoping, particularly the couples therapist, has a background in working with OCPD clients because I am overwhelmed with what to do about this aspect of our healing.

Grateful for this resource.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello and welcome.

It sounds like you are both committed to making things work if you can, so good for you.

I can't comment on OCPD as I have no knowledge of that but wanted to swing by and say you will find a very supportive community here.

[11JB68]

I've been married for over 30 years.  Updh has often blamed his difficult behavior on "ocd". After some really difficult times,  lots of research,  and landing here,  I realized that more likely he may have uOCPD. HE does NOT know this.  I know from being here,  that I can't be the one to diagnose him or to "tell" him,  or suggest it to him.
However,  using the toolbox here has been a huge help to me in managing the relationship and my own behavior/ responses. Still lots of problems,  but a lot less drama

[DontEngage]

Welcome!
I'm a new member (3 weeks) and a recently illuminated partner myself after 12 years of marriage.  I think my wife has undiagnosed NPD, but I've been going through a similar process of reading and watching videos to understand and make sense of her patterns of behavior.  I'm not as acquainted with OCPD, but I do know that all personality disorders have a baseline of rigid thinking and often poor insight.  My heart goes out to you as you're searching to make sense of your wife's behavior in your relationship.  It's great to hear that you're already in individual and couples therapy.  It's so important to have outside, educated perspectives that can help you frame what's really happening in your interactions.  I encourage you to be very clear with your therapists about the specific behaviors and comments that are hurtful to you, and strive for the healthiest ways to express what you need in your relationship.  If your partner exhibits a genuine willingness to look inside and make some changes, I imagine that would be very encouraging and hopeful. 

I also hear you when you say that you have your own part in the relationship as well.  I agree, we all need to take accountability for our own actions, but I also encourage you to reflect on whether you are ONLY taking accountability for your own part.  Personally, I recently realized that I was taking responsibility and accountability for behaviors that were actually my wife's and I've been working on not taking ownership of those anymore.

These are just my own thoughts based on my experiences and recent insights, so please take what resonates with you and feel free to let the rest go.  Only you have the full understanding of your own situation and I'm learning in this community that it's so important to remind each other of our own personal power and judgment in our lives.

Once again, welcome, and I hope to see you around the message boards!

[JustKeepTrying]

Welcome to our community.  I hope you go through the toolbox - bookmark it and read it over and over.  It will mean different things at different times.  So read it  over and ask questions. 

I am three years out of 32 year marriage to my diagnosed OCPDxh.  I found that for those who don't get OCPD - covert narcissism is also a close label.  Don't be so tied to one label because there are degrees and similiarities between the diagnosis. 

I also recommend that you get your own T - so that you can work on yourself outside of the marriage.  You deserve your own support.  I liken it to the oxygen on the airplane.  The flight attendant tells you to put the mask on first before you help others - You can't help others until you help yourself.  So tend to yourself and learn to create and keep healthy boundaries.

I'm sorry that you are here and glad at the same time.