The self absorption is at an 11

[beepositive]

Last week my mother texted myself and my wife around 10am on a weds. So the middle of a busy morning in the middle of a busy week. Both of us and both of our kids were sick with a cold, we were preparing for a weekend trip, and generally just have a busy 2-working parent, kids activities type of schedule. So my mom, knowing all this, texts us and says that she has just completed an art commission, and she has taken photos of it, but would like us to see it in person before she ships it early the following week. Like I said, it's currently weds. We are sick. We leave for our trip on Fri immediately after work, and return Monday night. The only time we would have between the time of the text and "early next week" would be that day. I am instantly annoyed and ready to say no, but my wife says she can swing by with the kids after picking them up from school that day. I say cool. I'm not trying to rain on my mom's parade if my wife is open to doing it. So my wife texts my mom back and tells her the plan. No response. Hours go by, nothing. She's now picking the kids up from school and still hasn't heard back. She probably would have still swung by, but one of our kids colds has gotten worse so she texts my mom that she won't make it. At 5pm when I finish work, we still haven't heard back. At this point, I'm both concerned, and also thinking she might be angry about something my wife said in the text (she indicated they could come, but reiterated how busy we were). Still seemed a bit much to just ignore us completely. We start calling, and her phone goes straight to voice mail. Now, my mom is 75 and lives alone about 2 miles away. I decide to drive over there and see if she is ok. Her car is in the driveway and her bedroom lights are on upstairs. I ring and knock for several minutes. No answer. I do a loop around the house, peeking in windows, trying the back door, no sign of her. I bang and ring and call some more. Start looking for the rock her spare key is in.  Begin thinking ok, this may be it. My mother may have fallen or had a medical emergency and my heart starts racing. My wife has the smart idea to try FaceTiming my mom's phone and apparently this makes a noise, and she is able to notify my mom that I am out front. Mom comes down and opens the door and I'm in a bit of a frenzy by this point. I bet you can't guess how she acts. Yep, totally clueless and defensive. Gaslighting to the moon and back. Acting like everything I'm saying can't be true and then being annoyed with me because I seem upset. "I was just downstairs a minute ago! I've looked at my phone today! I must have forgotten to turn my notifications back on this morning. Why did I just hear [wife] calling? The phone can't be off then." Etc.

I'm exhausted. I've been working all day and I'm sick. I had set aside that evening to pack. I have no energy left especially after all this worrying and climbing around in the dark. AND THEN SHE HAS THE NERVE TO ASK IF I CAN COME IN TO SEE THE ARTWORK.

This incident has really pissed me off. I'm still sort of recovering. And then today, she texts both of us again and says guess what, she hasn't shipped the piece out yet... we can still come see it!

How can a person be so clueless? I'm really nervous about how this all is going to play out as she gets older. She clearly cannot hear. She is forgetful and denies obvious facts. And then on top of it she's mean. And we're all she's got.

[Sneezy]

How can a person be so clueless? I'm really nervous about how this all is going to play out as she gets older. She clearly cannot hear. She is forgetful and denies obvious facts. And then on top of it she's mean. And we're all she's got.

beepositive - Your mom sounds very similar to mine.  I waiver between saying my mom has covert NPD or waif BPD.  In any case, it seems that your mom wants/needs/thrives on getting attention from you.  And she will do what it takes, and it won't matter what is going on in your life, because it is all about her.  She needs her supply, and she will do what it takes to get it - she will be mean or she will love-bomb you, she will make things up, she will act clueless when it comes to technology, etc. 

So what do you do about it?  Well, you set clear and firm boundaries.  Which sounds so simple, but it is tough.  And it is a learning process.  You will have to set limits on how much time and energy you put into your mom and her needs.  And she will not like it when you don't respond immediately.  And you will feel guilty because your mom has raised you to put her needs above all else.

I don't mean to sound heartless.  Your mom is obviously hurting and needing attention.  But you can't fix her.  And the more you do, the more she will demand.  I often say that my mom is an endless black hole of need and despair.

Two things that really resonated with me in your post - 1. You say your mom denies obvious facts.  This may very well get worse with age.  Please take everything she says with a grain of salt.  I have lost count of how many times I have dropped everything to drive like a maniac over to my mother's apartment to "save" her, only to find out that the real situation is nothing like she claimed.  2. If your mom's phone is going right to voicemail, she likely blocked you.  My mom does this all the time.  She blocks me, my siblings, her friends, her doctor, etc.  And she claims, with a perfectly straight face, that she has no idea why her phone keeps blocking people. It's all complete BS, of course.  I haven't figured out why my mom does this, but it has something to do with getting people worried and getting attention.

Hang in there.  Set your boundaries, practice your medium chill, and continue putting your wife and kids first - you got this!   

[beepositive]

it seems that your mom wants/needs/thrives on getting attention from you.

That's the truth and kind of the heart of the whole thing. Her desperation for my presence and attention is absolutely exhausting, and it's part of the reason I've kept my kids at a distance from her, so that she can't abuse them with guilt trips. My wife and I created these boundaries after almost going NC with her about a year after we moved back to be closer (we used to live across the country). But it's obvious her goal is to wear down the boundaries, which makes my wife build them higher, and puts me in this position of trying to keep my family safe and happy, and keep my mom from becoming a total monster.

In this case I legitimately starting thinking she was hurt or dead. I suppose I don't have to even care, but I guess I feel like being there in an emergency is sort of a basic responsibility of being her only child and living a short distance away. But you're right, the straight to voice mail thing probably indicated less reason to worry. It was just so strange. Not answering isn't her MO.

Giving her less of my energy is definitely what I need to work on. Thank you for your insights, and I'm sorry for your similar experiences.

[Sneezy]

Her desperation for my presence and attention is absolutely exhausting

I hear you - it is so exhausting.  People with PDs don't always understand that the rest of us need a little down time, even a little alone time.  My mom hates to be alone - it's when her anxiety is at its worst - and she assumes that everyone else hates to be alone, too.

which makes my wife build them higher

My DH can not stand the way my mom treats me (and others).  He would build insurmountable walls of boundaries if he could.  And I so appreciate his support, even as I let my guilt get in the way of taking his advice regarding more boundaries.

I guess I feel like being there in an emergency is sort of a basic responsibility of being her only child and living a short distance away.

Absolutely, you are there in case of an emergency.  That's why you moved near your mom.  One challenge going forward will be to define what an emergency is.  For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing in checking on your mom when she wasn't answering her phone, as that is not normal for her.  The problem I've run into with my mom is that we have very different definitions of what an emergency is.  I think of an emergency as a heart attack, stroke, accident, etc.  My mom defines an emergency as any time she is feeling a little blue or needs to talk or is bored or someone was rude to her or she has family gossip to share or her stomach hurts, and so on and so on.  I've warned my mom that she is like the boy that cried wolf.  Someday, she will have a real emergency and I won't believe it because she has had so many false emergencies.

[Leonor]

"Her desperation for (your) presence and attention" explains everything.

To your mother, you are not her son, a grown man, a husband and father. You are the Man in her Life. You are her emotional spouse.

Your wife is not her son's beloved, her dear daughter in law or the honored mother of her grandchildren. She is the Other Woman.

Your children are invisible to her. Because they are living proof of your betrayal. The only child she acknowledges is you.

And whenever she is faced with the reality that you are not a child, that she is not your emotional spouse, she's going to force you to choose her over your wife.

You were not going on a family vacation. You were planning on betraying Mother with this Other Woman.

So she's going to throw a wrench in those plans. The Other Woman is not going to win that easily. Before you go, you must pay homage to Mother first.

But you didn't answer - your wife did. The Other Woman. That was an insult to Mother. So she took revenge by treating your wife as if she were trash. Dismissing her, inconveniencing her, ignoring her children.

Now you are forced to dismiss the shocking rudeness with which your mother has treated your wife and the disdain with which she has treated your children and rush to her side. You must pay for the insult of thinking your wife "would do." So she lets you search, call, ring, until she is satisfied that you had suffered the emotional price for your betrayal.

But you are still going on this trip. You are still abandoning Mother. So Mother issues another summons, and let's see if this time you get the message. Mother does not brook betrayal.

Beewell, you have capitulated to this dysfunction in the past. You have moved closer to her. You are running when she rings her little dinner bell. And you are placing her in balance with your wife. You feel torn between your adult responsibilities and your mother's madness.

Yes, this will get worse. Not because your mom is aging, everyone's mom is aging (and, as a mom, there but for the grace of God go I). It's going to get worse because eventually your wife will figure out that your mother isn't some addled old dear, but a master manipulator who would wreck her son's marriage with glee if she could.

And until you can get real clear on this, get clear that your mother is mentally ill, and that you can care about her but cannot take care of her, and that there must be structure and boundaries as neat and straight as a white picket fence around the woman that you wed, the children that you fathered and the family that you lead, your marriage is in trouble.

An invitation is not a summons. A guest is not under subpoena. If your mother extends an invitation that is not convenient for your wife and children, you decline the in invitation. Period. You do not allow your mother to inconvenience your wife.

Let's say it was an emergency. You are not an Emergency Responder. Your phone number is not 911. If Mother calls saying I can't get up, you say, "Ok, Mom, I'm going to call an ambulance and meet you at the hospital after I make sure my family is taken care of."

It will be very hard and, since your mother is ruthless and your wife is generous, you are going to have to make the decision to prioritize your marriage if you want it to survive and flourish.

Dr Ken Adams is your man here. Find him on YouTube!

[beepositive]

This is great, but can you rewrite it with me being a woman/daughter? LOL! I think most of it still applies however some of the assumptions I think are more related particularly to a mother/son dynamic. I dunno, maybe it all applies. I'm going to think on it.

[Leonor]

Oh, hello bee, I'm so sorry for the mix up! It's my own narrow-mindedness to assume your gender, and I apologize.

And yes, it does work the same in a mother-daughter dynamic, speaking as a daughter with an enmeshed mother.

Because it's about Mom being all about Mom. Whoever is the source of her supply doesn't matter, as long as it's supply.

In my relationship with my mom, I was in turns her doll, her chore, her competition, her devotee, her mirror, and often, her partner.

My role depended on her inner psychic state ... Not my gender, not my age, not my actions. Not even external reality of any kind. It was all in her mind.

And any relationship I had with anyone else was perceived in connection to how it impacted her access to and control of me. Because I was her supply.

Once I stood in my truth and my experiences, she shut down. She's not spoken to me in over a decade, and she's met one of my children ... one time.

I held so much grief and anger and bitterness towards her for a long time. But in her own way, her discard set me free. I was no longer defining myself by her twists and moods.

Best to you, bee!