The New Me and Relationships

Kat54 · December 05, 2022, 11:27:38 AM

This is the new me. I feel like my patience for people and their bad baggage from previous relationships has seriously waned.

My ex fortunately for me is not in my life too much and we're ok when together. Our kids are adults so that makes it very easy on both of us. I don't have serious reservations about dating and would like to be in a relationship. Not get married again though.

I'm dating someone and my gut is starting to tell me this is not for me. While I like him a lot and we get along and communicate well. He's back and forth, sideways and this way about the status of our relationship. Friends, dating, seeing each other, just friends. He was in another relationship with someone that ended 8 months ago and he's "not quite over it" He's never seeing her again but I can't compete with an old relationship he's pining over still.

The old me would hang on for the long haul and hope and hope he comes around. I don't feel that way anymore, I'm happy to say.
But the old me is lurking so I'm asking you all for advice. Kick him to the curb or have a chat with him and tell him it's me or the ghost.

Sorry kick him to the curb sounds harsh, like I said, while I empathize and have been patient the last couple months, the new me can't deal with this anymore.

Starboard Song · December 05, 2022, 01:49:52 PM

Quote from: Kat54 on December 05, 2022, 11:27:38 AM
The old me would hang on for the long haul and hope and hope he comes around. I don't feel that way anymore, I'm happy to say.
But the old me is lurking so I'm asking you all for advice. Kick him to the curb or have a chat with him and tell him it's me or the ghost.

Sorry kick him to the curb sounds harsh, like I said, while I empathize and have been patient the last couple months, the new me can't deal with this anymore.

It sounds like you really like him except for this problem, that he is a little squishy about commitment. You don't describe him as being toxic about that: sounds like he's just soft about the nature of relationship. On the other hand, you say your guy tells you "this is not for you." I'd decide whether "he" is not for you, or the problem is "him with this current commitment issue." If it is the latter, I'd try to address it.

If you think he is good timber, I encourage you to treat him as you'd want to be treated. I'd have that chat with him, respectfully. Maybe he'll be put off, and think you should be more patient. But maybe not. He might be terribly flattered, and think "gosh, she must really like me." That could even be the push he needs to kick the ghost. These corrective chats, handled well, can be some of the best things that happen in a relationship.

Srcyu · December 05, 2022, 07:08:54 PM

I think if you try to chat with him he will still be himself - back and forth, sideways and this way ........
He can't just drop how he feels about the 'someone' of 8 months ago. 'Not quite over it' is a red flag.

Kat54 · December 06, 2022, 11:46:45 AM

Thanks for the advice. The only thing I've got going for me so far is I've been pretty direct with him and he has been with me.
Which is a foreign thing in my past relationships.

It's confusing and don't like feeling this way. I could tell him I rather he not speak about this past relationship. He's brought her up several times because he says he needs to keep our relationship as more friends while he tries to work through moving on from her. He says there is no contact and he broke it off. She's married and had no intention of divorcing and he carried on a relationship with her for 3 years.

With us...As soon as the friend bar starts to move he backs off again. And when the friend bar moves it's usually him moving it. So that's why I'm confused as to his motives and possible red flags. I feel naive but divorce from a NP has made me way more wise. I don't think this guy is.

moglow · December 06, 2022, 12:10:19 PM

Long term relationship split up eight months ago and he's not over it? It may be that he didn't initiate the split necessarily, more that he wanted more from it and ultimately realized that just wasn't happening. So he's working on acceptance - and it may be he started seeing you before he really should have.

Several mentions of this ex would be annoying for me. I don't want to hear about someone's ex, much less repeatedly. That just tells me he's *there* and maybe not so much with me. That's good information to have but it does become a bit much.

QuoteHe's brought her up several times because he says he needs to keep our relationship as more friends while he tries to work through moving on from her. ...

With us...As soon as the friend bar starts to move he backs off again. And when the friend bar moves it's usually him moving it.

Honestly? Sounds like he's not done there. They may not be together but he's still in it. If you're good with friendly, going out, spending time together, not concerned over "status" or relationship titles, great. If you want more, this may not be the one. There's not one thing wrong with accepting that not everyone you date is "the one" - and not everyone should be.

Starboard Song · December 06, 2022, 06:53:11 PM

The extra information you've given is more red hued and more flag shaped.

I still encourage the sit down conversation, though. That's what grown ups do, right? But that talk is to gather more information, give him a fair shake, and make sure you give yourself the best information for your decision. After that chat, you'll know WAY more about his emotional state and can decide with even more confidence whether it is time to cut and run, or whether -- maybe -- he is worth investing in.

Kat54 · December 06, 2022, 09:05:29 PM

Moglow, you are right on. He did end the relationship but he wanted more and she could not do that and he ended things. So I feel he's been grieving a loss. Not sure how to handle this. Be patient, be a friend? Maybe I can but not sure how much I'm willing to stick out his grieving and for how long.

We are due for a date to a big city next weekend. It's a day trip for some culture and dinner.

I definitely came in at a time that was probably poor timing but he did seek me out on a dating app.

JustKeepTrying · December 06, 2022, 10:14:47 PM

Kat54 -

My approach is different. If he isn't ready to step up, be with me, ask for me - then he isn't ready. If he wanted you, he will do what he needs to. I know 8 months isn't that long - but it's long enough to say - I want you but I need time and want to go slow - This moving the bar sounds more like "I got you on the line but I'm dangling while I see if there something better."

If you want to break it off - consider this - "I sense you need more time and I only want what's best for you. I am ready for a real relationship and I need to find someone who is ready as well."

Because you do - I see how you are on these boards and you are flippin awesome. You deserve someone who is excited about you and willing to grow. Just because it feels different, doesn't mean it's right.

Starboard Song · December 07, 2022, 08:37:30 AM

Quote from: JustKeepTrying on December 06, 2022, 10:14:47 PM
If you want to break it off - consider this - "I sense you need more time and I only want what's best for you. I am ready for a real relationship and I need to find someone who is ready as well."

Because you do - I see how you are on these boards and you are flippin awesome.

That is an excellent framing. It is BIFF: brief, informative, friendly, and firm.

Nicely done.

Kat54 · December 07, 2022, 01:24:21 PM

Justkeeptrying,
Excellent advice. Thank you
He's off the dating app and says he isn't looking around. Though a couple weeks ago he said he went on a date from the app.

Lmao, one of his concerns with me is I physically won't be able to keep up with him. I do have crummy knees but have been working hard in the gym so I can try cross country skiing this winter, and feel I'm there.
He is "a runner" though I asked him how the last relationships worked out? Lol, they were all runners. I can't run from two knee surgeries, but maybe run out of a burning building. Otherwise I'm in very good shape.
And I did burst out laughing at him when he said that. I'm a bit competitive so if someone tells me I can't keep up with them... watch me.

I think he's extremely confused about his life right now. So writing all this out is showing me to move on. We have this date coming up, maybe I'll go on it and see how that goes, and if we don't go I will say my good byes.