Struggling after moving out: How did you get over it?

[littlelimabean]

Hello! I never thought I would be writing this, and I feel guilty about writing this.

I recently moved out. I had a month worth of vacation with my family which was wonderful and brutal at the same time.

My mother and I had a long rocky road. I took care her since I was fourteen all the way to 21. I am 22 now. I took care of my disabled sibling as well as my two other ones while my dad was away working. I have a good relationship with my dad.

A lot of emotional abuse went on with my mother though along with other stuff. I took a stand around 2 months ago and decided to move out.

I did! Yay!! A huge step I am grateful for. I am in my hometown again. I can see wonderful mountains and the people seem nice. Wonderful things are happening to me.

I feel so guilty for struggling despite all these signs. My mother is getting better, but I honestly dislike to text and call her.  I don't know. Seeing her notifications hurt, but I still respond because she is trying to get better. It is genuine. She is really particular on my clothes and she sends me messages about it still. I dress modest in my own way, but I know she would have a fit if she knew what I was wearing (Jeans.. yes that's it. Jeans).

My family and I decided for me to move with my Nana. I love her, and she does so much for me, but she reminds me of my mother so much. It isn't her fault at all. She says the same phrases and she always tells me that I am so similar to my mom. I hate it when she says it. It makes me hurt.

She is ill. Sicker than what my mom was. She has been through so much, so some times she goes at me emotionally. She said she apologizes, but she is in a lot of pain. She is full and overwhelmed.

I decided to distance myself a bit and still show her love and respect. I help out when she needs me to and even if she doesn't need me to, because she opened her doors for me to live. She is kind and let's me borrow her ipad for school. She insists to drive me around when she can. She wants me to be safe, and often praises me.

I guess I am still raw and those times when she does go out of character, remind  me too much of where I just left. I want to cry in those times.

I understand I am not very comfortable in this situation, but I am grateful for this situation. I am closer than I have ever been to comfort. I am learning skills for a job. I am studying. I am taking it one day at a time.

I am struggling, but I think I can get over it. I am not leaving the house because I don't really know the environment as much. It is has been 11 years since I last been here lol. It seems pretty safe during the day. I try to reach out to my extended family members too.

For anyone who went through this process, what helped you through it? Do you have any tips?

I have so many emotions in me. I feel so blessed, ambitious, and happy. At the same time, I feel scared and vunerable. I am trying my best tho!

Thank you for listening, it has been a minute since I posted. It took me a while to set up my phone and the internet. I am in now! Wohoo!

[Liketheducks]

I haven't been there specifically....but have dealt with estrangement from my mom and flying monkeys.   Best thing I can recommend is taking care of yourself first.   There is a reason why the flight attendants tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you help others.   You're heading in the right direction.   I think for adult children of dysfunction, or at least I certainly felt this way, you think that taking care of your needs first is pure selfishness.   At least, I was conditioned to think that it was.   Or that some downtime or rest was lazy.    For the longest time, I couldn't just sit and do nothing if someone else walked into a room.   

Put yourself and your future first.   Hang in there.   You have to grieve a bit over the relationship you had, and the one you deserved - but didn't have.   

[lkdrymom]

I have to admit, moving from your parents' home to your grandmothers doesn't seem like a big change to me.  You just changed locations but not circumstances. Can you live on your own or with a friend/roommate?  That may be better for your mental wellbeing.

[littlelimabean]

Ikdrymom and Liketheducks thank you for your replies!

Well, I am a great deal closer to what I need nowadays. It is better than before. I can gear up here. I am training for a job that pays well. Maybe I can work towards living alone.

I will take your advice!