About myself and why I'm here

[AnonymousMe]

I'm not sure if this is the right place for me to come for help, but I decided to give it a go based on the advice of a few people who care for me. I'm sorry if this intro is too long, I can tone it down if needed.

Why I'm here
I have wonderful young children, and my primary goal is to do whatever is right by them, so they can have a better life and more opportunities than I did. My secondary goal is doing right by the rest of my family (and friends), then finally do right by myself last.

My history
For context about myself, one of my childhood caregivers was diagnosed with sexual deviancy, NPD, and BPD. I was often punished and shamed for neurotypical behavior and as a result, didn't have a good baseline for what should be considered normal. My grades were poor (to the point of being put in a special needs class until testing out of it) and I didn't have a lot of friends.

When I went out on my own through college, I eventually realized if I acted out of instinct instead of how I was told to behave, things would go better for me. My grades rapidly rose. I did well in sports. I had a lot of friends I could rely on. The more I was separated from cluster B individuals, the more I thrived, eventually skyrocketing through my career after college.

My dating life followed the same pattern. Reflecting on sites like this, I now know I have a "caretaker" mentality (blindspot to malice, enjoy doing things that make people happy). I eventually ended up with a woman with a similar personality to myself. This lasted for years. One of the biggest concerns in the relationship was the existence of my NPD/BPD caregiver, specifically not knowing if that person's personality was recessive and could skip a generation to children, or if it's something that could suddenly trigger as I got older as a personality flip if it's genetic. I know that's not the case now, but I didn't then.

When she broke up with me (there were various external factors on top of this), I kept her concern to heart.

The next person I dated had big feelings and things moved very fast. Since another reason my ex didn't work out was that we were together for too long before I proposed marriage, I tried to be more flexible and learn from my mistakes. I focused on my now-wife's needs, trying to tame her abandonment issues and vulnerability with compassion. As things kept progressed, she changed her personality, similar to the discard phase I learned about here. Now that I'm more educated, I see patterns like DARVO, gaslighitng, confabulation, sudden explosive rage, splitting black, hypervigilance for slights, bizarre logical leaps to make everything about hreslf, an apparent lack of empathy, inappropriate responses during times of emotional trauma for others, rapidly changing her personality in front of strangers to look better at the flick of a switch, focusing on a narrative to make herself look like a savior above all else, a dissociation with reality when in a rage, etc. Some friends, peers, tradesmen and even my ex's voiced concerns, though I'm pretty isolated now (even from my pets).

My current situation
Thing is, I was and am still not if she actually has cluster B or something else and she cares (such as a victim of cPTSD who simply needs love, in the bucket of "i don't know what I don't know").

Now that we have children, for reasons I don't feel comfortable sharing on the forums, things are getting complicated.

So that's where I'm at. I don't get angry when she rages because I see it like the sea - you can't get angry at the tides, they just happen. But I am beginning to feel increasingly helpless with no path to refuge. I tried couple's counseling but she lashes out and sees any council that suggests she alter her behavior as having an agenda against her, so it didn't work.

[Gwendolyn]

Welcome to our forum and it seems that you have a fairly clear picture of how your wife's behavior is cycling through phases.  Understandably this is very unnerving.  You are in the right place!!!

I have learned by lurking here and then finally joining that
1) I am not alone
2) many others have experienced similar situations
3) taking steps to reclaim my emotional autonomy so as not to be swallowed or completely enveloped in unPDh drama

It's alot to finally recognize and accept but the future is waiting for us and coming Out of the FOG is a start.

Go easy on yourself and be sure and check out the tool kit. 

What I have gained over time is the ability to "observe not absorb " when things go sideways.

My relationship isn't close or loving the way it used to be but the intensity is going down and my own internal turmoil and reactions are much milder.

I don't know what will happen but stabilizing myself is the first requirement for meaningful change/improvements.

Welcome and please know you are not alone in your predicament.   When we start changing they notice. Don't be afraid to try 《Grey rock》 tactics just to buy yourself some mental space to think.   

You definitely didn't cause any of this...sounds like your wife is escalating.

Take care

Gwendolyn