Mother says I'm betraying her

[timothyhayes]

Hey all,

It's been a bit since I've hopped on here. If you remember my last post, about enmeshment, you know most of my story. The holidays have been more stressful than I could have imagined. My mother seems to be hellbent on making sure we do lots, and lots, and lots of family activities. And if I say I'm busy with something else she flips out and says it's because I'm prioritizing my wh*re of a girlfriend. I've stopped responding to her when she sends me a barrage of texts like that and thankfully her outbursts have remained contained within text messages. It feels like she's looking for ways to get offended.

I went to a Christmas party at my work and brought home some candy I was given. The next day she told me, "You couldn't even think of me and be considerate by leaving some of that candy out here for me?" So I brought one to her and she threw it in the trash. And now, she is adamant that we watch a Christmas movie at 7 so that our activities don't end so early. We went to look at lights, which was enjoyable, and then planned for a movie this Saturday night. An hour beforehand, I receive an array of texts from her saying how she has no respect for me since I've chosen to backstab her and my father by continuing the relationship with my girlfriend. I'm thirty years old...

She's convinced my girlfriend had a master plan to rip the family apart?? I genuinely don't understand. And the constant threats of her kicking me out have fallen on deaf ears. She told me that my girlfriend's attitude toward her (which was looking at the ground when they spoke) was dismissive and trying to put her in her place. That was the first two times they met, which were a month apart. And then apparently, my girlfriend lied about her father's age when she was talking to them about it over lunch one day. My mother is convinced that God showed her the lie and that she would never trust her again after that. How the hell do I even bring that up to my girlfriend?

I've been reading up on the articles from this site, which have helped a lot. I've given up on trying to remedy a relationship between my mother and girlfriend because I can't control how she feels towards someone. It isn't making home life any less difficult, though. Am I the one in the wrong here?

[Leonor]

Hi Timothy!

You're not in the wrong.

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. What you are describing is domestic violence.

It's just that we're used to seeing a different paradigm, like a male partner abusing a female partner. The control, the insults, the entrapment, the threats ... That is all grounds for legal action.

In a partner violence situation, the first thing we tell victims to do is leave. Make a plan. Get out. Get safe.

You're 30 years old. You have a relationship with an adult woman which, if it continues, will bestow fatherhood upon you.

It's time for you to step into your manhood. It's hard. Mom won't like it.

Make a plan. Get out. Get safe.

[Cat of the Canals]

And then apparently, my girlfriend lied about her father's age when she was talking to them about it over lunch one day. My mother is convinced that God showed her the lie and that she would never trust her again after that. How the hell do I even bring that up to my girlfriend?

You don't bring it up to her, because it isn't real. My MIL concocts "lies" people tell all the time, but they are never things anyone would bother to lie about. (She once had a fit about an obituary her cousin wrote -- he said he was from Florida, but he was born in Pennsylvania! GASP! The fact that he'd lived in Florida for the past 40 years wasn't good enough... in her mind, there's apparently an unwritten rule that you may only say you are "FROM" a place if you exited the womb there.  )

I suggest you read up on the Drama Triangle. It sounds to me like your mother is playing the Victim (she was lied to!). She has cast your girlfriend as the Persecutor (LYING HARLOT!). And that leaves you to fill the role of Rescuer (in which you confront girlfriend about lying to your poor, poor mother). The thing with the Drama Triangle game is that the real roles here are usually reversed. Your mother is the real Persecutor, hellbent on lobbing accusations against your GF (the real Victim) to see what sticks. And she will continue concocting stories to see which one will get you to confront your GF on her behalf. The ultimate goal is to always put you in the middle to "fix" things. You know what else is triangle-shaped and gets put in the middle? A wedge. And that's her goal here. To drive a wedge between you and GF.

Another concept that seems apt to study up on is "black and white thinking." This is common among emotionally immature people. Instead of seeing the world in shades of gray, everything -- people, places, things -- are either black or white. ALL GOOD or ALL BAD. Your mother has painted your GF all bad. Therefore every word out of GF's mouth, every expression on her face, every desire of hers is Wrong, Bad, Evil, Malicious. So IF she said the wrong age of her father (I sincerely doubt this even happened, but for the sake of argument, let's say it did), in a "gray world," we would assume that someone misspoke or perhaps did their math wrong. (I don't know about you, but I have to do mental math to remember my own age most of the time, let alone my family members.) I also think it's likely your mother misheard, misunderstood, or misremembered. But in your mother's mind, your "All Bad" GF has only malignant intentions, therefore SHE LIED.

Dealing with this behavior can be disorienting. Something I find helpful to remember and that makes some sense of the wacky things they do is the notion that emotionally immature people often have an Agenda. It's usually pretty easy to suss out, even if they never say it out loud (though they often do, if you're listening). In your mother's case, I think it's clear her primary agenda is to have you live at home forever. She will say and do anything to make this happen. You've expressed interest in moving out, and not just out, but to a different city, where GF lives. This is a direct threat to her agenda. She now has a secondary agenda: drive a wedge between you and GF. She will say and do anything to reach that goal. Some people make the mistake of thinking, "Well, if she's never going to accept my GF, then I might as well break it off." The thing is, this isn't about your GF as an individual. This is about anyONE or anyTHING that threatens her primary agenda.

[NarcKiddo]

I totally agree with what the previous posters have said and I don't think I can add anything much.

I think the relationship with your girlfriend is fairly new? On that basis I would personally think it wise not to share too much about your mother's behaviour. I am absolutely not suggesting you lie or sugar-coat things but perhaps spare her some of the worst. Certainly don't bring up any accusations your mother makes against her. However much you love one another, in a new relationship where neither party has invested years and you don't have a long shared history, there can easily come a time where one party starts wondering whether the baggage and aggravation is worth putting up with forever. If my mother-in-law had called me a whore and accused me of plotting against her to my face I might still have considered marrying her son, though I would have had reservations. It would have depended on how he acted. But if he had reported such things to me I think it would have put me off more. Ultimately your relationship with your mother is for you to deal with. Involving your girlfriend any more than absolutely necessary in any of this drama is both unfair and potentially unwise if you see a future with your current girlfriend.

I wish you strength and wisdom in getting through this. Frankly, the sooner you can find a way of getting out of that household the better, it seems to me.

[Liketheducks]

Nothing to add that you haven't already heard other than....hang in there.   You're not alone.   Your mom sounds very familiar.   

[Sneezy]

Frankly, the sooner you can find a way of getting out of that household the better, it seems to me.

Timothy - You can not change your mother.  For your own sake, you need to get into your own place as soon as possible.  Your relationship with your girlfriend sounds fairly new, and so moving in together (while it would save money) is probably not the best idea.  So what do you do?  Apartments are expensive and, while there are plenty of jobs available, many of them don't pay enough given the current rent situation.  My idea is to look for someone renting out a room.  I actually have a couple friends who do this (retired women who are divorced or widowed and need some help making ends meet).  Find some place where you can have your own bedroom and kitchen privileges.  Live on your own for a while, find yourself, and get some distance between yourself and what is clearly an abusive situation with your mom.  Best of luck to you!

[Psuedonym]

Piling on in agreement with what everybody else has said. Leonor, thank you for using the term, domestic abuse, because this is truly what it is. Timothy, in just a few posts, you have described your mother doing the following:

• Screamed at you, knocked over a bookcase, broke your door handle
• Sent over 100 text messages while you were at work and then followed that up by screaming at you for two hours
• Regularly verbally attacks your gf by referring to her as a f*cking b*tch, a wh*re, scum and white trash
• Threatens to throw you out if you don't comply with her demands

This is not a misunderstanding about your girlfriend's motives or a case of her being overprotective or looking out for your best interests. This is ABUSE. Again Leonor is correct when she says this is domestic violence. Unfortunately you have lived with this parenting for your whole life so it probably doesn't seem 'that bad' to you, but trust us when we say that reading these accounts of your mother's behavior is indeed 'that bad'. It's absolutely awful. And it has nothing to do with your gf and everything to do with not allowing you to function as an autonomous individual, which is what domestic abusers do.

As the other posters have said, you need to get away from that as soon as you can. Sneezy's idea of finding a room to rent is a great one. The only person in this scenario capable of changing is you.

[moglow]

I'm thirty years old...

Start there for your own sake. None of this is new nor is it about your/this girlfriend. While I can appreciate her wish for togetherness a family, there are limits I can also second your needs as an adult.


Normal stable parent raise their children to be good productive independent adults. This insistence that your world revolve around and encompass her doesn't allow for anything else. For me,  the incessant demands and insults would do push me right on out the door. Honestly im kind of surprised you've managed to hang in this long.


But "betraying" her? I don't see it. She thinks her opinion is the only one, that she dictates for everyone? Okay. And you have your own, as a fellow adult. You don't have to discuss, debate or defend it, you simply continue on. Every time she goes into a name calling stomping rant, I'd pull further back and refuse to engage the nonsense. To what possible purpose would you respond to all that? You don't owe any explanations nor is it likely you'll change her mind.


You might want to start cutting some apron strings, or at least find a middle ground you can live with. Step outside and look at these tantrums for what they are - control mechanisms. You don't have to defend or explain everything you do and everyone with whom you spend time. As a courtesy id absolutely let her know when you won't be around for dinner or if it's a late night, but explaining it to death or detailing as if for "permission"? Trying to appease someone hellbent on insults and name calling? No. You can remove yourself from those "conversations." Politely but firm - I understand. No thank you. I appreciate that. Another time. Etc