Revealed parent's behaviour to other family members, now panicking

[sophierhj]

Hey everyone, I haven't posted here much, more of a lurker for the last couple of years as I've worked in therapy to come to terms with what I believe to be my mother's undiagnosed BPD. Recently my mother came to stay with me. I live on the other side of the world from her (a deliberate choice) so usually see her about once a year. I've been working with my therapist on trying to stick up for myself more and set more boundaries, but I still agreed to let her stay with me for a week against my better judgment. The second I tried to set some boundaries (I was working from home and needed to focus on my job rather than entertaining her) she went out and got completely wasted, texting me to tell me she was lying on the street near my house. I ended up calling her half brother to come and help me. He has not grown up with my mother (she grew up in a separate country to her brothers) so this was the first time seeing her in this state, but she fed him a story once she'd sobered up that this was a one-off and had never happened before.

I told my therapist I no longer want to see my mum for the rest of her stay nor spend christmas with her, but that I was worried about what kind of narrative she would spin for the rest of my family here since she'll get to spend christmas with them without me there to argue against her version of things. My therapist recommended I send my two uncles a letter detailing specific examples of her abuse from my childhood and basically laying it all on the table, explaining that I grew up terrified of her, that she had serious problems with rage, and that her alcoholism had been a problem for far longer than she was saying. I sent it a couple of days ago and initially both uncles seemed reasonably supportive, saying that they were shocked and sorry to hear about everything, but also questioning whether she could really be that bad since they'd never noticed anything before.

Since sending the letter I've been panicking. Despite having an overall sense that my childhood was full of my mum's screaming and intense rages, I recall very very few specific incidences to back that up with. One of the incidents I wrote in the letter was when I was around 11 or 12 and she became enraged with me for not being "grateful" enough for everything she did for me, so she told me for one week she wasn't going to be responsible for feeding me. She let me take money from the change jar to buy my own food and said I would be responsible for feeding myself for the week. The only problem is I remembered today that she ended that punishment early. I think in total it probably only lasted for a couple of days before I think she got over that particular bout of rage. So I feel like it looks as though I've tried to make it seem worse than it actually was.

I'm worried that I've exaggerated everything basically. I know the forum here can't help with the specifics since it's impossible for you to know if I'm telling the truth or not, but I'm wondering if anyone has any experience trying to describe their parents to people who know the parents superficially (and thus get the best side of them) but have no idea what they were really like? I see some examples posted here and have to admit my mum never did a lot of the things I see - as far as I can remember she didn't call us names and she definitely never hit us. The screaming was mostly about how we were ungrateful, selfish, she hated being around us, we made her feel like shit, etc. So I find myself swinging between wanting desperately to be believed that my mum has a problem by using the worst examples I can think of, but also wanting to make sure I'm telling 100% the truth, which is difficult when my memory is so spotty.

I don't have any recent examples to draw from since she mainly seemed to be at her worst when we were minors and couldn't get away from her. As soon as I moved out and she didn't have unlimited access to me she toned down the anger a lot (and same pattern with my younger sister).  I have also pandered to her for most of my 20s prior to going to therapy so many people from the outside looking in would have thought we had a great relationship.

Does anyone have experience revealing BPD behaviours to others? What's the best way to handle it when people question your story and want further clarification?

[monamurre]

I can relate to the stress you are feeling. I'm not sure I have answers but I can tell you how I am handling a similar situation.

My mom has some health issues and was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. So, all of a sudden people are coming out of the woodwork asking me about my mom, how she is doing, etc. They are also making all kinds of assumptions about my relationship with my mother and how much help I am going to be to her in her final days. It has forced me to try to explain why the dynamics are the way they are. On top of that, she has been trashing me to anyone who will listen. So, I feel compelled to tell them my side of the story.

Its kind of a nightmare because she is undiagnosed so I don't feel like I can say, "hey, mom has a raging personality disorder....according to me". On the other hand if I say generic things like, "she is being really difficult or acting irrationally angry...." people tend to nod sympathetically and say she is probably just upset about her health, or its a normal part of aging. In short they don't understand the severity of the situation nor the bizarre self-sabotaging behavior that makes it so difficult to help her even when you want to.

Her behavior has deteriorated a lot lately so I am sticking to recent examples and haven't yet gotten into her behavior during my childhood, which included some physical violence, but was much heavier on emotional abuse. As I've thought through various examples I might share with her siblings, like, "she laughed at me when I said I was applying for X job", or "she refused to help me with college financial aid paperwork", or "she routinely refuses to acknowledge my professional success and talks about 'when you get divorced'".....I feel silly. I feel like if I told them they would take it with a grain of salt and wonder if I am telling things out of context or exaggerating. The single instances of emotional abuse always look more innocent in isolation, so I feel I would wind up looking like a hyper-sensitive person harboring a grudge towards a dying parent. 

In your case, if someone told me that their mom screamed that she "hated being around them" I would think the mom was off her rocker. Statements like that seem pretty clearly abusive. I don't think you need to worry about finding examples more specific than that! Also, I often hear about how great my mom is from other people. She could be very self-sacrificing to her friends (which I now see probably came from an intense desire to be accepted) and she could be very funny and charming (before she was so all-consumed with bitterness). That is the nature of PD's they can be very selective in who they show their ugly side to, which just shows that they do have some self-awareness of how bad their behavior is. I encourage you not to get thrown into doubt by people asking, "are you sure...?" or expressing that they have never seen this side of her. That is normal.

I also note that you are here asking questions about your behavior and trying to be very accurate. That speaks to your desire to fair to her. Of course I don't know your whole story but what I am reading doesn't sound like it is coming from someone who is prone to making wild exaggerations without regard to the impact. I wish you luck with this. It is nerve-wracking opening up this vulnerable place to other people's eyes. Remember though, it doesn't matter what they think, they didn't live your life.

[sophierhj]

Thank you so much for your reply. It is comforting to know someone is going through the same thing as me. I also really relate to what you said about the specific examples of emotional abuse seeming so inconsequential when you take them out of context and present them as standalone instances. And yes! I also really relate to people sympathising with the parent about her having a hard time. My mum told me that the reason she relapsed and drank was because it was stressful staying with me. My uncle heard her say this and had no reaction, then asked me afterwards why I was so angry with my mother. Like, am I insane for thinking that's a completely inappropriate thing to say to your child? I suppose she didn't say directly that I caused it but I felt like the implication was there. And again, it's hard to explain why something that perhaps doesn't sound so bad as a one-off has a lot of deeper meaning in the context of everything else that has gone on.

I think I'm going to have to prepare myself for a "good enough" response from my extended family. My therapist originally suggested I ask them to exclude my mother and have me there for christmas, but I correctly predicted they would never do that (and I think it would push them towards thinking I was the unreasonable, over the top one). I think it's unrealistic to expect healthy people who have had little contact with PDs to fully understand what's gone on and to wrap their head around the fact that a person they thought they knew could do some awful things to her children. But I'm hopeful once she's gone back I'll at least be able to get a little support from them

[Srcyu]

You have to select your audience very, very carefully. Also, the written word can be passed around and shown to other people, do you want that?
I question the advice from your therapist in writing to people for the two insights  that I've mentioned above.

There's a reason why the subject of maternal abuse is taboo. No-one knows how to deal with it.

Telling people about your mother is running the strong risk of becoming very tangled up.
That brings me back to my first sentence - be very, very careful.

[escapingman]

Only people who have experienced narcissistic abuse get it, others can't even start to understand. They will always think you are making it up or that it wasn't so bad. I can give a fresh example of my own, during my custody hearing I tried to prove STBX is dangerous and that I should have custody of my children. Despite me filing a ten paper long statement of incidents of abuse, a journal including abuse on a daily basis for 2 years and all this backed up by voice recordings neither the judge or social worker believed it was that bad and instead accused me of being bitter and hateful. People don't want to see that a mother abuses their children, it is easier to pretend only fathers do that and then move on.

[sophierhj]

I am indeed having second thoughts about whether I should have sent the letter. I think it's nice they had an OK reaction at the time but yes, I do think they are passing it round. I just got a notification on Facebook messenger (where I sent it) that they'd "liked" the message. So someone is obviously in there scrolling or looking at it. I'm not sure what to do about that now - the damage is already done from sending it.

My therapist's reasoning was that I have learned over the years not to trust anyone and that I need to have the experience of reaching out to people for help to learn that some people can be trusted. It made sense at the time and I thought maybe I just needed to take a leap of faith but now sitting with all this anxiety, knowing that my family is gathered around, including my mother, I'm not feeling like I made such a great decision after all

[escapingman]

Sophie,

The letter has been sent, it's out there, it's nothing you can change about it. I suggest you accept the fact you sent the letter and it is now up to the people reading the letter how they respond. You can't control what they believe, but you know the truth and that is the most important thing. Don't minimize your reality because someone else doesn't get it. It was exactly as bad as you remember it, if not worse as you probably erased some memories whilst growing up.

I am trying to share a little at a time to people, if they seem to get it I share some more until I either realise they don't get it anymore or they totally get it.

[NarcKiddo]

Don't beat yourself up about the letter. I think the therapist meant well with the suggestion but in practice these things are difficult to manage. Especially with family. In terms of learning that some people can be trusted I would pick friends or very distant family over anyone who had regular dealings with my mother.

As for the details of her behaviour, it is very easy for us to gaslight ourselves. I often find myself thinking "maybe it's not that bad, maybe it's normal, she probably meant well". If I were to tell a third party some of the more egregious acts of my mother they would probably not believe me. The more "minor" but regular and equally damaging in some ways things might seem silly taken out of a lifetime of context. Often things they say don't sound that bad when you just consider the words spoken, and it is almost impossible to convey the malice of their body language and tone when relating a story to someone else. They are very good at presenting things in a way they can twist if forced to later. You have no need to explain or justify yourself to anyone, even having written that letter. If they ask for further particulars you can tell them it is too distressing to re-live the events and you don't feel able to go into more detail. If they then say "What you have said doesn't seem that bad to me" you can respond "You are entitled to your opinion and I'm sorry I bothered you with this. Let's not discuss it again."

[Srcyu]

I'm sorry the therapist led you to believe that the letter sending would help. Just because you 'need' to trust people doesn't mean that resolving it will be straightforward.
I wouldn't send any more, it can quickly become a vicious circle. Keep your chin up and watch out for people who will actually be no help at all. Like escapingman said, 'It's out there,' you have opened up the ugly subject and people will react according to their own experiences and opinions.

I promise, that in amongst all the immature people that you deal with over this, one person will stand out and actually be able to understand the situation and have empathy for you.

[moglow]

The letter has been sent, it's out there, it's nothing you can change about it. I suggest you accept the fact you sent the letter and it is now up to the people reading the letter how they respond. You can't control what they believe, but you know the truth and that is the most important thing. Don't minimize your reality because someone else doesn't get it. It was exactly as bad as you remember it, if not worse as you probably erased some memories whilst growing up.

All of this. Know that we're not being heartless, but realistic. I'm not sure why a letter to your brothers and not addressing it directly with your mother? Of course she's going to try and justify/defend her actions, but you certainly don't owe anyone an explanation. Would it have changed anything for you to not send the letter? No - it wouldn't change the facts of what took place. It might have upheld their chosen reality, but that's them. They may not have seen her in action in this way before, or maybe they did what they could where they could truly not knowing the rest of the story. If they're anything like my mother's family, I guarantee they're sharing and discussing it.

I didn't go to extended family, simply because they knew what she/mother was like. By the time I started standing up for myself and confronted her, several family members had made comments that confirmed what I already knew: NONE of it was new for them. They'd seen and questioned her behavior for years, and realized there was little they could do to help in any way. She'd terrorized everyone all their lives and they chose to limit contact with her - and who could blame them!

My advise would be to work on stepping outside the narrative she chooses - that's not yours and you're not responsible for it. You're responsible for yourself and your behavior, not hers. I'd just about guarantee she's smeared other family members to you, so there's no reason to think she wouldn't do the same in reverse. She's been outed so to speak and now feels she has to justify it. You don't have to clarify anything for anyone - what happened, happened. Whether or not they believe you or think they need to choose sides isn't your stuff. Truly, it's not.

[Preamble]

I am sorry you are having to go through this.  In some ways I think the worst is over because the "cat is out of the bag" but that it is going to take a long time for everything to settle and for you to see what your new situation is vis a vis your extended family.  I'd like to say "stick to your guns" but unfortunately in life most of the talk is usually done without you in the room and you seldom get the chance to explain anything.

You staying calm and reasonable is your best defense and offense.  Over time, it will all become clear to everyone, as long as you can stay calm.
If it was me, I would learn meditation as soon as possible.  What am I saying??  It is me.  No-one is keen to hear that my departed mother was different to what they think, but I am remaining calm, and as a living human being, I am inherently  irresistable

[monamurre]

So your mom's side of the story is that she, a grown adult, had to get blind drunk because she couldn't handle her anxiety about voluntarily visiting you?

Part of me wonders how anyone could ever buy that logic. But, then again, I've seen PD families operate and it is amazing what people get away with. Unless your uncles are really enmeshed with her (and it sounds like they are not close) I doubt they bought her story.

In the end you can't control anyone else's behavior or judgements. I would stop worrying about finding more concrete examples and let her behavior speak for itself. It may take time, but in my experience PD people usually show their true colors to others....eventually.

[Leonor]

Hi Sophie,

You didn't do anything wrong.

Breathe.

You didn't do anything wrong.

You told your truth.

You stood up for your younger self.

You showed your family, Look, we can talk about this and the world will not end.

You reached out with honesty and hope to your family members.

Someone, somewhere in your family tree, is thinking wow, I wish I could do that.

You should celebrate you, because you are a hero!

You broke the cycle.

The cycle of pain and shame and silence and let's pretend.

You didn't do anything wrong!

You could publish your letter as an op ed in the Sunday paper and you wouldn't have done anything wrong.

I'm sorry your family did not rally round with hugs and apologies and understanding and gratitude.

It's not that you're wrong.

It's that they're afraid.

They don't know how to do what you do.

It's normal to feel guilty or panicky yourself. You're breaking a Big Rule.

But it's a rule that needed to be broken.

It's a breaking that will set you free.

And one day, maybe someone will venture out to the sunshine with you. Will wonder what reality is like. Will be inspired by you!

Maybe not. It's hard to break these Big Rules.

That means that you are Special. You are Strong. And you are Wise.

Wrap yourself up with a big comfy blanket and let the fear and mad and disappointment come up.

You did good.

[sophierhj]

Thank you all so much for the support and the reality checks. This evening one of my uncles (the one who I called to help me when my mother was drunk) came over to talk. I am still extremely tentative and know that the dust has not really settled yet, but it felt a lot like him and his wife believed me. They said they had no idea, but also that they had barely seen my mother over the years and understood that a lot of it had gone on behind closed doors. They had more of a focus on her alcoholism - I guess it's easier for people to swallow the idea of alcohol turning someone they know into a monster rather than a person doing that of their own volition. But they also acknowledged I'd mentioned issues with rage that fell outside of her alcoholism. I'm feeling (very) tentatively hopeful.

Both uncles grew up in a completely different family to my mum. My impression of them is that they're healthy, well-adjusted, and, well, normal. Of course that makes all of this a huge shock and possibly they will never truly be able to wrap their heads around what it has been like, but for now I feel like I might have one person's support.

That being said, I am taking on board everything that has been said in the thread and definitely won't be sending any more letters, or trying to explain more than I feel comfortable and safe with. I suspect the other uncle may be a little more questioning of my version of things as he had been much closer to my mum, so I am wary of what will happen in the future with him.