Reaching the Golden Child

[fightingfog]

My fiancé and future siblings-in-law have been in NC with their parents (my future in-laws) for about 8 months now. This followed a falling out with their majorly narcissistic mother and blindly enabling father. We knew the holidays would be tricky to navigate, especially as his mother has a difficult time respecting the NC boundaries, and the NC rule was only to span enough time to allow for internal healing and to get the whole family into therapy (search for a therapist ongoing).

As we all know in the narcissistic parenting dynamic, there is the golden child and pretty much the rejected children. My fiancé happens to be the golden child, while the rest of his siblings are his backup dancers. Recently, my fiancé is losing focus on the reality and scope of the situation. He has attached himself to a fantasy that, once in therapy, his mother will realize her mistakes, admit her faults and magically cure herself of *extreme* covert narcissism. He is generally disinterested and unwilling to hear any different. Sometimes, he now even recalls his parents as "not so bad" and seems to forget how we made it to this NC point in the first place.

His wishy-washy commitment to the cause and inability to empathize that everyone else has it worse than him is creating a rift and divide between him and his siblings. Not to mention the divide and lack of empathy I feel from him, as his mother has always been judgmental and unkind towards me as well -- she wanted obedient, easily controlled, princess-type partners for her son(s) -- I don't fit her mold.

I recognize and empathize that the reality of the golden child will always be different from the reality of others. But as the holidays draw closer and he receives the "lovebombing" texts that read "I just want my baby boy who I love and miss more than anything" while the others do not get them, if this doesn't open his eyes to the two-faced snake-in-the-grass his mother really is, what will?

How do we reach the golden child? How do we save him from his fantasy before he gets more hurt or before he irreparably divides himself from his partner and his siblings who want justice for themselves and their childhoods?

Advice, experience, personal anecdotes welcome.

[moglow]

While you may all want and deserve some level of "justice" or at bare minimum an admission of misbehaviors and deliberate mistreatment, I wonder if that's remotely realistic. "I miss my baby boy ..." reeks of infantilization and complete disregard that he's an *adult* with a spouse. And she's disregarding the entire rest of the family. I'm sure she's looking back and missing him, but there's a family to consider here and it doesn't sound like she is. Realizing her mistakes? Really? I'm guessing it's more like her attempting to change the narrative where she's been all mistreated and misunderstood, excuses and accusations thrown all around like confetti.

Our family's golden child only admitted the depth of mother's behavior when she ran out of other options and finally turned on him. Experiencing it all first hand - the violence, the rages, the complete disregard of anything he might say or feel - was a first for him sometime in his 40-50s. All my life I'd been told, including by him, that I should suck it up. Be the bigger person. Give it a rest. Leave the past in the past and move on, Etc. Except that she'd never changed, the abuses had never stopped and I kept going back for more. His tune only changed when she turned a lot of that on him. Now he tells me about things she's said or done and I can almost predict what happened next, I can recite things she's said to me over the years, her tone, the reality that she's as violent now as she ever was when we were children. He's experiencing it all. I don't like it, but theres a sad confirmation that it wasn't just me as she'd claimed. There was nothing I'd done to deserve it, nothing I could do to stop it other than removing myself.

There doesn't have to be a comparison of who had it worse, but more of a recognition that the ongoing behaviors are what got everyone where they are. His experience was different, as was each of theirs. If they choose to not spend holidays around all that, they have good reason. Sucking it up for the sake of appearances while she berates and insults, has some massive meltdown based on air, complete confusion over what set her off this time while others try to mitigate the damage and carry on [this is some of what I experienced with mine]? No thank you. I'll have my own holiday celebration at home, maybe even invite those very siblings to join me. We can play games and have a great meal without the dramatic episode she'd no doubt serve up before the day was over.

It's my opinion that we do indeed reap what we sow. I'm not suggesting anyone join in and give her a what-for, but if they choose to make other plans rather than expose themselves to her and her stuff, I'd back them 100%. Nobody has to sit there and be abused, not even during the holidays.

[Srcyu]

Even no contact is different for the golden child. It's possible that because of his own personal history with her that his loyalty will always lie there.

The golden child isn't really no contact if he's still receiving texts from her.

It sounds as though he is trying to minimise her behaviour. His stubbornness over the issue is not really likely to change not unless, like moglow said, he becomes the subject of her rage.

[Jolie40]

I don't believe any GC can be reached.....not in my FOO anyway

PD parent recently passed on
both GC brother & GC sister posted glowing posts of parent on FB....making parent sound perfect

brother GC was only boy so he was super special to PD parent
GC girl was youngest and was doted on as youngest

I tried to explain once to GC sister how I was treated (me- scapegoat)
she called me a liar & hung up on me

[moglow]

I'll admit to some curiosity - is mother even remotely interested in actual therapy or is this someone else's idea of how to find resolution with her? If she sees nothing wrong with and no reason to change her behavior, she's not likely to continue - and no one can make her. There may be a lot of power and comfort in all for one, one for all, but at the end of the day you each still get to choose what - if any - relationship you are willing to have with her. This time out could have confirmed for some just how limited the relationship is on the best of days.

My family? You couldn't pay me and my brothers to sit in a room while mother voices yet again how we've all failed her, how she's a victim and doesn't understand why we want nothing to do with her. She is who she is and is completely unapologetic about it. Our jobs as "the children" is to worship at her feet and provide for her - and we're to somehow know exactly what she needs when she needs it or someone will PAY. And while we're doing that, we're to roll with her punches in whatever form they take and agree that we deserve to be treated however she chooses. Yeah no.

[fightingfog]

I really thank and appreciate you all for your responses and for sharing your first-hand perspectives with me.

In truth, I don't believe the parents know that their children are going to hit them with a therapy ultimatum just yet. All including my fiancé, golden child, agree the worst thing to do is to call a narcissist a narcissist and a flying monkey a flying monkey themselves because it will just set off the nuclear codes. They all agree the smartest route is to involve a mental health professional and rely on therapy as a liaison for communication and resolution. My guess when she is hit with an ultimatum to attend therapy? She will fight it tooth and nail as it blemishes her perfect family image, and her flying monkey husband will rage on her behalf that her children are trying to embarrass her.

Doing independent research into narcissists in therapy, my understanding is that there is a needle in a haystack probability of genuine change. She sees nothing wrong with her behavior, and empathy and self-reflection cannot be taught. And even if she agrees to stay in therapy (which she may to upkeep the "anything for my children" narrative), she likely will desperately try and bargain her way out of it privately or manipulate her way out of it by making everyone believe she's changed. There is no trust and I highly doubt the ability of trust to be restored with a lot of time and effort or therapy.

[moglow]

Oh. So they *want* her to go to therapy. Unless she's going of her own volition and actually wants to change, yeah. Needle, haystack. Snowball, hell. And whoever presents this to her is going down hard, likewise for those who speak up in support of it. There may be no forgiveness in her for that one, so they/y'all need to he prepared to very possibly be cut off entirely.

[fightingfog]

Absolutely. The majority of those involved have accepted the outcomes come down to two most likely outcomes.

1. The relationship reaches a point of cordial distance but is never more than superficial and gray-rocking
2. (Attempted) Therapy turns out to have been a complete failure and NC becomes permanent

I'm not sure that anyone has really thought about who gets to be the crusader who approaches and lets her know she is going to therapy if she has any hope of rekindling with her children, but I do not envy them because I predict there will be consequences.

[NarcKiddo]

My immediate reaction to reading your posts is that you appear to have allied yourself with his siblings and are trying to keep him in the correct alliance.

I can see why you might feel this way but how much of this is actually your circus? Clearly your relationship with your fiancé is of primary importance. His relationship with his other family members impacts you to various degrees, obviously, depending on circumstances. And of course you care about the welfare of your fiancé or you wouldn't be marrying him. But I think you need to tread carefully when involving yourself in family alliances. It is easy for people to fall back on "blood is thicker than water" and start pointing the finger at the "outsider" if things all go wrong. I've seen it happen many times.

[Leonor]

Former Golden Child here!

I know that we are talking about an inlaw situation here, but we so rarely hear about the Golden Child role here that I thought I'd give an overview and then respond to fightingfog:

I'd like to begin by asking: why do you want to reach the Golden Child? Do any of these reasons sound familiar:

Because I want my sibling (fightingfog, replace "sibling" with "spouse" here) to finally get it and validate me.

Because it would be nice to have us siblings all together moving forward (as our parents -fightingfog, replace "parents" with "inlaws" - get older, etc.)

Because if I could reach them, they could convince my abusive parents to change (get therapy, apologize, self-reflect, etc.)

Because if they took my side, my abusive parents would be punished (isolated from all their children and grandchildren.)

Because if they took my side, they would have to face the fact that they hurt me (by bullying me, enabling the abuse, scapegoating me.)

Here's the thing: none of those reasons are good reasons for reaching out to the Golden Child. Not only will they not "work," they're manipulative. They're passive aggressive towards your parents/inlaws and turn your sibling/spouse into your own flying monkey.

It's really normal and understandable for other siblings to harbor feelings of anger, hurt, abandonment, sadness, resentment and even envy of the abusive parents' so called "favorite." Their feelings are valid and true and deserve to be honored and healed.

But any outreach to your sibling/spouse should be based in compassion and deep empathy. Your sibling is not "the GC." That is a role imposed upon them by your abusive parents/inlaws since before they could walk. Their true identity has been suppressed and denied, and they've been brainwashed. They're in the same narcissistic cult of parental personality as the other children. They are a victim of abuse, and as long as they are in the cult, they are still being abused.

And I double guarantee you that your sibling/spouse has been insulted, shamed, beaten, abused the same as every other sibling in the family. It just hasn't been public (remember, this is all a facade.) It's been private, as a threat to keep him or her "in line." Their subsequent abuse or neglect of you isn't coming from a place of hate or ignorance, but trauma.

If you are all adults, it is most productive to relate to each other as adults. Has this sibling/spouse reached out to you? Have they mentioned their own pain, trauma, or abuse? Have they expressed regret over how your parents/inlaws or how they themselves, treated you? Have they expressed a wish for greater closeness that feels genuine and reality-based to you?

No? Then it's none of your business. How they feel about your parents/inlaws is none of your business. How they experienced their childhood is none of your business.

If you are the sibling of a "favorite" child:

Stay clear and goal-based in your interactions: "The doctor says Mom needs at-home assistance. I'd like us to come up with some ideas to make that happen."

Stay clear and true in yourself: "I agree that splitting the cost for a five-star residence would be ideal, but we can't afford to contribute more than (amount). Would that be acceptable?"

Stay clear and safe in your privacy: "I understand Mom has told you that I'm ignoring her, but my relationship with Mom is between me and Mom."

Stay clear and safe in your boundaries: "I hear that you are upset, but I can't communicate with you while you are calling me names. Let's touch base again when everyone is calmer."

Ok, fightingfog, I'm also married to a parental favorite, and I have literally sat in a strange uncomfortable room nursing a newborn at my in-laws' house too. And my genuine, heartfelt advice to you is to concern yourself with setting boundaries for you, your husband, and children that make it very clear What Is Ours and What Is Theirs.

How do you want to spend your weekdays, weekends, holidays and vacations? How do you want to observe your own traditions, raise your own children, honor your own marriage?

You are now Queen of your home, Wife to your husband, and Mother to your children. Your mother in law has been dethroned and it's time for you to claim your crown. You can do so with compassion, with respect, with love, but you must do it, or mil will run ramshod over you and dh.

Your dh's relationship with his parents and siblings is none of your business until it begins to interfere with your relationship with him: "I understand that you are worried about your mom, but we have tickets to a show this weekend and it's important to me." "I know your dad wanted us to spend the holiday weekend at their house, but I and the baby are more comfortable here. Why don't we go for the meal and sleep at home?"

You are going to have to be loving, but also very very firm. Your dh doesn't see with the same clarity that you do, and he knows it (after all, he married you for a reason!)

Stand in your power, fightingfog! Don't fight a fog, it's impossible and you'll exhaust yourself. Instead, serve as a beacon for safe harbor: in your family, they did these things, and here, in our family, we do these things. Period!

[Pepin]

His wishy-washy commitment to the cause and inability to empathize that everyone else has it worse than him is creating a rift and divide between him and his siblings. Not to mention the divide and lack of empathy I feel from him, as his mother has always been judgmental and unkind towards me as well -- she wanted obedient, easily controlled, princess-type partners for her son(s) -- I don't fit her mold.

I married the hero child.  *sigh* I was unable to cater to CN MIL as DH hoped I would and that created waves.  It was saddening to me to have to set boundaries with my husband over this and it sure made him angry.  Since he was unable to set boundaries with her, he took it out on me that I enforced boundaries with him and her.

Anyhoo, after CN MIL passed, the siblings have more or less split except for the one that relies on DH for financial reasons.  And this one sibling was very unkind to DH during their youth.....yet DH still helps this sibling because he is bound to out of obligation to CN MIL's wishes.     The other siblings want nothing to do with DH.  And some others - cousins and an uncle are behaving somewhat icy towards us.

I think DH understood the dynamic in the past and extricated himself....before we met.  It wasn't until after we met, married and moved closer to the in-laws when DH was sucked back into the PD vortex.  Now that CN MIL is gone, I wait and see if DH makes behavioral changes.

On another note, I also have a GC sibling that was demoted.  Still has some bad fleas.  The other sibling was the back up GC sibling (the quiet one) is still pretty much the GC and lacks empathy across the board.  Swift boundaries with the both of them but more for the back up GC.  These people probably won't ever change so it will always be up to us to set boundaries and deal breakers.