First Holiday Season NC

[foobarred]

This is my first holiday season NC and it suuuucks.    I don't have any family except for PDMom, so I'm essentially an island right now.  Doesn't help that my cat passed away in November. We'd been together for 16 years, and her absence is palpable.

It's not that the holidays were ever happy.  It's just they were unhappy in a familiar way.  Sometimes I feel fine and optimistic, and think I'm moving forward, however small the steps. Other times I'm frustrated by constantly banging up against either my physical or psychological limitations. Sometimes the house is *ringing* in its emptiness, and I feel like my life is pointless.  In a weird way, caring for PDMom gave my life a purpose. A pointless, self-destructive purpose, but a purpose. The illusion of purpose, I suppose. Just like we had the illusion of family.

Two people have told me they can't get ahold of her.  I've thought about calling to check on her but, Jesus, what if she picks up? Call the NH?  What if they tell me she had a stroke or something? Do I really want to know? I'm terrified of being sucked back in - no good can come of that. So I'm gritting my teeth, and telling people that no, I'm not contacting my mother b/c we are *estranged*, the subject is painful, and please respect my wishes and don't bring it up anymore.

Ugh. Psych says that this is grief, that going NC counts as a loss, and that things will get better. I sure hope so.

[Call Me Cordelia]

If they are worried they can call the police to do a wellness check.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone right now. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy. I think your therapist is right, this is grief and it does get better. The Victorians were on to something with their year in mourning. The "firsts," first Christmas especially, can be expected to hurt more keenly after a loss. When you have had the time you need, you will be ready to discover a new and better sense of purpose for your life. But it's really okay that you aren't feeling it right now. Your inner child needs you intensely this Christmas, and only in PD-land are children expected to fulfill a purpose. You are not a utilitarian object. You are yourself, and that really is enough to be worthy of love.

[foobarred]

...only in PD-land are children expected to fulfill a purpose. You are not a utilitarian object. You are yourself, and that really is enough to be worthy of love.

You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.  Many thanks.

[treesgrowslowly]

Foobarred,

I hear you. I agree with Call me Cordelia. Your inner child is the part of you that craves emotional safety especially at this time of year. That is what I believe.

You wrote "Psych says it's grief and that NC counts as a loss". I agree with them. This is a loss.

This time of year, is when a very idealized fantasy of the happy family gets projected everywhere. Similar to when in February, the idealized fantasy of the perfect romance gets reflected everywhere.

Going NC is a complicated, invisible grieving process that few people in our society even see, never mind understand much about yet. So most of us, when we go NC, we have to feel our way through this process, unsure of what the process even is because it's not reflected very well in books, movies or tv shows. Worse, television has been very good at promoting the fantasy of family systems that simply 'change' and in real life, that is not the case. So we are stuck with these false images of what going NC really involves.

We were wired at birth to attach to our caregiver for survival. For a lot of us that was our mother. As we grew up, we were bonded to that person, and also socially conditioned to maintain this relationship at all costs. Once we became adults, we had to figure out what this relationship meant to our own lives.

A lot of us here on this forum I think are coming out of family systems where it was considered normal and expected, to remain in the trauma bond to our mothers, and not rock the boat. If we stood up for ourselves and went NC, no one understood why. This is why our grief is invisible.

Few people understand the process of going NC. Our decision to go NC wasn't understood, which added to the painful experience we were already facing by breaking the trauma bond to a PD parent. A bond that began when we were very very small, out of survival.

It is ok that you find this part of the year hard. It is very very understandable. Having a PD parent means that this time of year didn't include enough emotional safety. So giving that safety to your inner child will be a learning process.  Yes, it does get easier to understand those safety needs that we were denied by our PD parent.

Trees

[Jolie40]

Hi foo

I don't know if you go to church or not, but I suggest to attend one this time of year.
Husband & child went yesterday & it was packed despite negative wind chill temps!
I watched online & Pastor said people were standing in the back.
Being among a group of people could make you feel less alone.

Sorry about the loss of your pet which is SO difficult.
We lost our dog in 2020 & husband/child said no more pets since it was such a loss.

However, we did get a new puppy earlier this year.
Maybe after grieving, you can get a new pet, also?

[Sidney37]

Hi Foo

NC is especially difficult this time of year.  I also found the first year more difficult than the others.  I've been fully NC since around the beginning of Covid and VVLC for about a year before.  This was the first Christmas that I didn't feel extraordinarily anxious about the NC. 

I completely agree with Trees.  Many of us came from families where no one had or was willing to rock the boat.  You have done that and it's difficult, but with a PD often necessary.  It also sounds like you felt wanted and necessary when helping her.  It's only human nature to like to feel wanted and loved.  It's hard to accept that you need that love back as well.  It sounds like you weren't getting your basic needs met in the relationship. 

Hang in there.  This isn't easy and this time of year is incredibly difficult.

[xredshoesx]

foobarred sending gentle hugs.

i'm 51 and haven't been with anyone on my mother's side for any holidays since i was like 22.  i still cry in the car on the way to gatherings with my DH's family-  there is a part of me that will always long for the mother i didn't have.  the best thing i've done for me is to learn to feel the feeling, acknowledge it and sit with it and over time it's become less of a sharp pang and now a dull ache like a bruise almost healed that got bumped again.

[moglow]

Foobarred I'm sorry I didn't respond before - went into my own holiday black hole for a bit there.
We've not had family holidays in many years and it's honestly still not easy. Mother always seemed to cast a pall over any gathering and her house was never "home" for any of us. It's so hard hearing the "what is your family doing?? do you get together Christmas day or Christmas eve?" Personally I tend to hibernate when I can and drag myself through as best I can.

the best thing i've done for me is to learn to feel the feeling, acknowledge it and sit with it and over time it's become less of a sharp pang and now a dull ache like a bruise almost healed that got bumped again.
   

This feels familiar to me too.
Do think about visiting a shelter when you can, bring a new furry friend [or twp] into your world. It sure helps scrub off the raw edges for me.