Could this be push-pull? Ndad told me not to visit on Christmas day

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am VLC with elderly parents. Common scapegoat dynamics I read about are the same aspects that lead me to VLC four years ago. I do not JADE. I gray rock and medium chill my way through any contact. Parents never get it, have never changed, and still seem angry and blameful. It seems to always be bubbling beneath the surface. They are in their 80's and I keep thinking each Christmas will be their last one.
     
We had all agreed I would visit them on Christmas day for a low-key celebration. A winter storm was forecasted however, and Ndad told me we needed to wait and see how road conditions were. I am VLC, so I was not checking in with them each day. In years past, we would have likely spoken a few times a day leading up to Christmas. Two days ahead of time, dad called leaving me a voicemail that we should cancel due to the weather. I knew my dad would be mad I did not answer his call or immediately call him back. The weather however was fine. The storm only left one inch of snow. Nmom called back the next day saying they would otherwise be alone on Christmas Day, so she wanted us to still come. My dad just told me whatever mom wanted was OK, so Christmas was back on. 

Christmas morning mom called and said dad was not feeling well and did not want us to catch whatever he had so we should not come over. This was his third attempt to put the brakes on this holiday visit. I agreed because I am not going to work that hard to see them. I called them later in the evening to check on dad's condition, and he sounded quite well and energetic. I will never know for sure, but I got the feeling he never was ill and just wanted to cancel this holiday with us. He has done similar when he feels disgruntled about past slights. My VLC has certainly given him a lot of ammunition to interpret as a "slight" from me. Usually, I think he feels righteous about casting me off and feels like he is one-upping me.

I am wondering if my dad's behavior might be a display of the "push pull" dynamic? Of course, he did not actually pull me close, but he did certainly push me away. Now I wonder if the pull part will come in a few days. This is a familiar behavior pattern I have seen him do over and over again. I do not know if it fits a framework or might have a term that can help me make sense of it. Thank you.



 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Looks more like discarding behavior to me. I'm sorry. Scapegoats aren't very useful when they are VLC.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, Cordelia. I think discard makes sense. I wish his several discards would be final and he would never contact me again. He always does though.   
         
In fact, he just rang to tell me GC sibling had tested positive for Covid so that is why they did not see her on Christmas day. However, he said she just invited us all over to her house in two days to celebrate then. He told me with disdain that he "knew I would never do it", but he wanted to know if I would consider being with everyone. Predictable, but still appalling.           
     
So now they are using the holiday to manipulate, shame and obligate me. The triangulation is alive and well. Apparently also the Covid quarantine guidelines that others follow do not apply to them. I mentioned this to my dad, but he just hung up. I guess dad found some use for me now. So, I suppose this is the holiday to expect as long as I have any contact at all.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Holy withholding information, Batman! Your mom mentions that if you don't come they will be alone on Christmas with no mention of sibling's Covid until you are told she will be hosting? Did I get that right? And you are told of course YOU won't want to come....

What a tidy way to put you in your place, exclude you, and make it out to be your fault. Absolutely classic. And yes, I think you were right, there were a few days of push/pull with the on again off again. Dangling the carrot only to pull it away in the end.

I wish his several discards would be final and he would never contact me again.

No wonder.

[moglow]

Wow. She's pos for covid, but hosting them in two days? Dad is issuing this invitation, that's the kicker there for me. Feel free to tell him that Christmas day was when you were available, sorry.


Blueberry, you know you can just not respond or even answer their calls. If that brings you peace, do it. Do whatever you need and let them think what they will. None of that is your stuff.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Wow. She's pos for covid, but hosting them in two days? Dad is issuing this invitation, that's the kicker there for me. Feel free to tell him that Christmas day was when you were available, sorry.


Blueberry, you know you can just not respond or even answer their calls. If that brings you peace, do it. Do whatever you need and let them think what they will. None of that is your stuff.

Thank you, Moglow. Thank you for the reminder none of this my stuff and also that I need not respond to any of it. I do believe your suggestion to just simply inform that Christmas day was when I was available is perfect. Short, simple and firm.

My feeling is that I offered my time to visit them Christmas day and they showed me they did not want it.

[moglow]

Yeah and if they're like mine, if you dare and suggest they didn't want the visit, it'll be turned around on you. For your own peace of mind, don't JADE. That'd just tie you in knots, give him ammunition and leave you wondering.

Be who YOU are, not who they are or expect you to be. Brief, informative friendly firm and go on about your day in peace.