Could her health issue derail my plans?

[IsleOfSong]

My hope in the new year is to finally break free from a 20-plus year marriage to my uNPDw. I'm really hoping to break the news to her and start the process in the first couple of months of 2023, though admittedly I've kicked the can down the road on this for years.

Naturally, just as I'm starting to gain internal momentum to make a break, it could potentially grind to a halt. My wife told me yesterday that she needs to have a uterine biopsy in January, because her doctors are concerned that levels of something suggest that she may be precancerous. After I absorbed the shock of her news, I thought about my own situation: If my people-pleasing tendency has made it hard for me to leave her when she's healthy, how the heck can I do it when she's not?

I truly don't want her sick, but at the same time I don't want my freedom to choose my own path held hostage by her health. I need to figure out a way forward — the last thing I want is to hand her an opportunity to twist history and convince my kids that their father took off because she got sick. She would undoubtedly do something like that with them, as well as with anyone who'd listen.

Any suggestions for navigating this minefield? I know the timing of a potential illness has nothing to do with her years of nasty, demeaning behavior toward the kids and me. Is being concerned about the optics of leaving even worth considering?

[escapingman]

After I decided to leave my wife there was ALWAYS something coming up and stopped me in my tracks. ALWAYS. This might be a true health problem, or it might not. Anyway, if you leave her she will drag you through the mud anyway, her being sick or not. It will ALWAYS be your fault.

Stay strong and do what is right for you.

[Rose1]

It's difficult. If your children are old enough and have been aware of the abuse it may be an idea to keep them in the loop and explain about pd and your intention of creating peace for the family.

The above is very problematic and depends a great deal on age and how much your kids are Out of the FOG. It also depends on how your kids communicate with her because it's generally observed that pd behaviour deteriorates once a divorce proceeds and can in fact get dangerous.

I know my oldest who was only 12 eventually told me how much she appreciated a peaceful family life and her relationship with her bpdf improved after our separation (until it didn't).

As they got older we did discuss coping methods for pd (both girls are in their 30s now so this is with considerable hindsight).

The parental alienation proceeded along the lines you are concerned about and didn't let up for a long time.

Exbpdh actually walked out on me while both kids were young, with no support either financial or emotional. I refused to have him back eventually when he got round to raising the subject.
He proceeded to tell everyone that I had left him while he was sick. This has been his main story for years.

I called him on it once since the facts were so obviously different and he just said it was a cry for help.

In actual fact it was any opportunity to put me down to anyone prepared to listen.

As my daughters were living with me it was rather obvious who was doing the parenting and supporting and we continue to have a great relationship.

I did not try to stop them from phoning their father. He was never really interested in having them much. In hindsight that was a blessing as we continued to have a fairly stable family life. However the impact of pd in our family has persisted with my oldest in particular suffering from PTSD.

My advice is to make a peaceful family as much as it depends on you. Advice given me by exbpdhs doctor was excellent. You are only responsible for your behaviour. In the end you're the one that has to be able to lie straight in bed at night so do everything with that in mind.

[IsleOfSong]

My kids are 19 (she's living at her college most of the year now) and 15. The younger one, our son, is the scapegoat child and bears the brunt of Mom's criticism, and I've taken to talking to him openly about how uncool much of her behavior is, and that I'm doing what I can to stop her in her tracks. But it sure is hard to hold back the ocean, and there are frequently waves of discontent coming from her general direction toward him and the rest of us. Hence my desire to end things and create a safe space for him until he's off to college.

I do like the idea of making things peaceful as possible, and I'm clear on the idea that I'm not responsible for her behavior. I just don't want either of my kids being brainwashed into thinking there is ANY connection between her physical health and my departure.

[square]

I'm not a doctor, but.

They are waiting till January. It doesn't sound like an emergency.

It might be precancerous. Well, if it is, the biopsy itself might resolve it. Or they might go back and remove some more.

It's not that huge of a deal. If they want to do a hysterectomy, that's a bigger deal, but if you want to be Supportive Spouse, that ties you up just a few extra weeks then life goes on and she just has to take hormones to deal with the instant menopause.

People have biopsies all the time.

[IsleOfSong]

I'm not a doctor, but.

They are waiting till January. It doesn't sound like an emergency.

It might be precancerous. Well, if it is, the biopsy itself might resolve it. Or they might go back and remove some more.

It's not that huge of a deal. If they want to do a hysterectomy, that's a bigger deal, but if you want to be Supportive Spouse, that ties you up just a few extra weeks then life goes on and she just has to take hormones to deal with the instant menopause.

People have biopsies all the time.

Thank you for the clarification, square. This perspective helps me prepare mentally for whatever may come, as well as what to say to my kids if/when my leaving gets interwoven with her physical health stuff.

This situation illustrates why I want out — if I dared to ask my morose wife for clarity on any of this, she would have flipped out on me. And if, God forbid, I did so and came to the conclusion that biopsies like this are fairly common and "it's not that huge of a deal," as you say, there would be hell to pay. Being a ranting victim and a drama queen is typically more important to her than facts, objectivity, and calm conversation, unfortunately.

[square]

Look, I mean, I don't have any experience with this, and I'm not saying this wouldn't stress or worry a normal person.

It's just that when I saw your thread title I was thinking something more life threatening or disabling.

My mom had a lung biopsy recently and it sucked but it's not unisual for people to sometimes have to do stuff like that. I had a bone marrow biopsy once and it was hard but while I would not have appreciated my husband serving me divorce papers that day or the day before, life doesn't end just because you have a root canal, uterine biopsy, or other sucky stuff.

There's always something. I'm sure your wife will use whatever she can against you. She's not going to be a grown up about it; if she was, you wouldn't be planning to leave.

[oak_tree]

I'm not a doctor, but.

They are waiting till January. It doesn't sound like an emergency.

It might be precancerous. Well, if it is, the biopsy itself might resolve it. Or they might go back and remove some more.

It's not that huge of a deal. If they want to do a hysterectomy, that's a bigger deal, but if you want to be Supportive Spouse, that ties you up just a few extra weeks then life goes on and she just has to take hormones to deal with the instant menopause.

People have biopsies all the time.

I just want to echo what square said here. Of course I don't know the whole situation, but if her health issue is what I think it is, it's incredibly common. I'd suggest googling HPV, "colposcopy" (not colonoscopy), and "LEEP" (an acronym for a procedure that they'll sometimes do. For perspective, I drove myself to and from the LEEP with no problems. Though it's not pleasant, it was easier than a root canal). They schedule follow up appointments, of course, to make sure the actions they took were successful, sometimes over a couple of years. That's expected.

Now, what she has could obviously be different than this, but if you inform yourself a bit, and it turns out to be similar, at least you'll have a bit more knowledge on the subject.

[IsleOfSong]

I just want to echo what square said here. Of course I don't know the whole situation, but if her health issue is what I think it is, it's incredibly common. I'd suggest googling HPV, "colposcopy" (not colonoscopy), and "LEEP" (an acronym for a procedure that they'll sometimes do. For perspective, I drove myself to and from the LEEP with no problems. Though it's not pleasant, it was easier than a root canal). They schedule follow up appointments, of course, to make sure the actions they took were successful, sometimes over a couple of years. That's expected.

Now, what she has could obviously be different than this, but if you inform yourself a bit, and it turns out to be similar, at least you'll have a bit more knowledge on the subject.

Thanks, oak_tree. My wife did mention that she has to go under anesthesia for the procedure, so she mumbled that she'll need me to take her to and from the appointment. Of course, no problem.

It seems as though, for now, I should view this as manageable and fairly common — and as square pointed out it's not as though it's being seen as an emergency by her doctor, so fingers crossed. And as escapingman said, she will drag me through the mud no matter how or when I leave, regardless of her health.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

My ex-PD spouse used medical issues to gain sympathy, keep me imprisoned, etc..... - during our divorce he was supposed to get a double shoulder operation (who even does that? no one because they don't) and then his heart was so bad that he was going to be on disability...and, during all this, I wasn't paying for his diabetes medication....and this was also going to kill him.  Now, that the divorce is done and he has his new supply, he's fine now.......but, he'll use his health again when it serves a purpose.

Us empaths certainly don't want people, even those we want to divorce, to be sick.  Please don't sacrifice yourself in order to provide care for your spouse.  You can provide support/care with proper boundaries and seek a divorce.  People divorce people that are sick all the time.  Sure, it's not ideal....sickness isn't.  And, right now, whatever is going to happen to her health, and even your own, is a mystery.

I bet you can show sympathy, support, and kindness towards her and her health and your children will see this.  It doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself for her.

We have one life to live and it's going pretty fast for me.  So, please think of yourself first.  Maybe that does mean staying for longer, but make the decision for you.

[IsleOfSong]

My ex-PD spouse used medical issues to gain sympathy, keep me imprisoned, etc..... - during our divorce he was supposed to get a double shoulder operation (who even does that? no one because they don't) and then his heart was so bad that he was going to be on disability...and, during all this, I wasn't paying for his diabetes medication....and this was also going to kill him.  Now, that the divorce is done and he has his new supply, he's fine now.......but, he'll use his health again when it serves a purpose.

Us empaths certainly don't want people, even those we want to divorce, to be sick.  Please don't sacrifice yourself in order to provide care for your spouse.  You can provide support/care with proper boundaries and seek a divorce.  People divorce people that are sick all the time.  Sure, it's not ideal....sickness isn't.  And, right now, whatever is going to happen to her health, and even your own, is a mystery.

I bet you can show sympathy, support, and kindness towards her and her health and your children will see this.  It doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself for her.

We have one life to live and it's going pretty fast for me.  So, please think of yourself first.  Maybe that does mean staying for longer, but make the decision for you.

Thank you for this, PlantFlowers. It's good to hear from you and others, in slightly different but complementary ways, that I should choose for myself what to do with my life and not predicate it on her condition, whatever it may be. It's not as though I will score long-lasting brownie points anyway.

[SonofThunder]

IsleofSong,

Like PlantFlowers stated, my decades of marriage were also mixed with my wife's medical issues; some diagnosable, some not.  All were thoroughly investigated to the fullest by medical professionals and any that were successfully diagnosed were thoroughly treated.  Medical expertise and capabilities these days are amazing, and im so very grateful for this medical age vs prior ages.

The medical issues that were undiagnosable (yet fully medically investigated) would have a tendency to repeat themselves. It would seem they were at the most ideal times for scrutiny of my reactions. These events always tested my loyalties, sympathies and the gamut of my willing and capable caretaking behaviors.  Any of my reactions that were sub-par to expectations, triggered amplified drama triangle behaviors.

Also, I believe that whenever details (medical matters or any matters) can possibly be embellished or slightly skewed, without capable verification, PD's may take advantage of this for increased supply in some area of their needs.  I have experienced this so many times in so many areas of life with my PD's.  Afterward, the truth may be verified by the experiences and/or results and it becomes hindsight-obvious that manipulation of some details had occurred (added-to, left-out, altered), yet no mention afterward of the discrepancies.  If I questioned afterward, I was the perpetrator. 

Also, I believe PD's are VERY high-radar, and over the decades, the timing of certain events (medical or any) seemed to be a perfectly inserted stick in the spokes of my wheels, when my stbx's radar alerted her to some potential disadvantage for her, advantage for me, or both. Statistically too perfect.  Therefore, is there any way your wife suspects you are close to decision-making that may negatively affect her? 

Lastly, i am of the opinion that love and care of humans is not tied to a legal contract. I will love and care for my stbx, as best possible, during and after the divorce.  I will do the same for my friends, coworkers, neighbors and anyone else in which I may be of some balanced assistance.  If my stbx ends up with some serious medical condition or other serious hardship outside of any of her planning/control, I will be a caring and loving human being and assist her in ways similar to how I desire to be cared-for and loved by my other family, friends, neighbors.  I have decades of marriage to her and a divorce does not erase history, but simply alters the future.  She will always be chosen-family because of history.  I will treat her as such into the future. 

I agree with others that either way, you will be "dragged through the mud", for one reason or another, or all of them combined.

I  wish your wife's procedure to be similar to the descriptions of Square and oak_tree and that all is corrected and benign.  I also wish you the best in your decision making and strength of resolve. 

SoT

[IsleOfSong]

Also, I believe PD's are VERY high-radar, and over the decades, the timing of certain events (medical or any) seemed to be a perfectly inserted stick in the spokes of my wheels, when my stbx's radar alerted her to some potential disadvantage for her, advantage for me, or both. Statistically too perfect.  Therefore, is there any way your wife suspects you are close to decision-making that may negatively affect her? 

SoT, this is eerily spot on. The breakdown of our marriage is very obvious at this point, though we don't talk about it. It's like the old pop song "This Masquerade," if you are familiar with it. Neither one of us has been willing thus far to bring up the subject of separation, so we are just living increasingly parallel lives. Perhaps the drama of a medical situation will get ramped up, as you suggest, to gauge how "here" I still am in the relationship — and to set me up as a bastard should I do the thing she probably knows I'm thinking about, meaning leaving her.

All of your other points are spot on as well. Your recollection that "Any of my reactions that were sub-par to expectations, triggered amplified drama triangle behaviors" is what I experience as well. She flips out when I'm not on her script of how to talk, act, and respond to things.

Thanks to you and all the others here for putting things into clearer perspective for me!

[SonofThunder]

It seems you will get more information on her medical situation in January and hopefully additional input combined with your PD education and awareness will assist you in knowing if some manipulation is occurring. 

You stated that your plans were in the first couple months of 2023, so this additional information gleaned could be helpful to you in effective planning by assisting you in determining her mindset, motives and expectations as she high-radars your "increasingly parallel lives".

As square stated, an emergency would be scheduled sooner, so glad its not an emergency matter.  These medical matters are a really difficult emotional tight-wire for us nons and sadly, to weaponize an already difficult medical situation to emotionally manipulate a spouse is some twisted crap, and its the reality so many of us have experienced.  You are not alone IsleofSong.   

SoT

[escapingman]

Health issues has always been a manipulation STBX has used against me and others. Migraines and stomach aches, the ones that is invisible and therefore can be used at will and not proven either way. Every time she wanted to get out of doing something it suddenly started from nowhere, it could then disappear as quick as it came as soon as she decided to. The bigger one, her eating disorder, she used in the court hearing and tried to blame it on me and that I withheld food from her. Be prepared that anything will be used to smear you, health or anything else.

Stay strong!

[hhaw]

IME, the PDs will find a reason if it takes a reason to change a mind and to get their way.

The saying is....
We are where we want to be.

I think that's true, mostly...and if one waits for every star to align with a PD, before leaving, the PD will always have reasons the stars don't/can't/won't align.

It's the nature of every PD I've dealt with.
Leaving brings up huge discomfort, no matter how perfectly the stars sit, ime.

You can't escape the discomfort whether you stay or go, so you might as well get the best possible outcome for the suffering you choose to do.

Sacrificing yourself, so the PD torments you and your grown children less in the short term might not be suffering long term.

Maybe it is, but you deal with the consequences of your choices.  You should get some say. is all I'm say'in.

[IsleOfSong]

You can't escape the discomfort whether you stay or go, so you might as well get the best possible outcome for the suffering you choose to do.

I hadn't thought of it quite like this, but you're right. Thank you.