Committed to misunderstanding and so maintaining the narrative

[Happypants]

This time of year always gets to me.  I think it's the combination of Christmas never passing without some sort of drama, however small, and the temptation to create a do-over year from January 1st. 

Despite my best efforts to stay under the radar/pre-empt any trouble/edit everything that comes out of my mouth, there was a bewildering situation.  I'm SG.  GC and family were having xmas dinner for us all.  As usual, we aim to arrive early enough to avoid guilt trips about the youngest nephew waiting to open presents while still taking care of our own xmas situation. 

This year was different to past years where we would see my mother-and father-in-law on Boxing Day for a xmas day celebration (they visit my other halfs brother and family on xmas day who always have a full house with visiting family).  This year, we were also seeing mother- and father-in-law on xmas day, xmas morning to be exact.  They planned to visit for a couple of hours, then go to other half's brother for xmas afternoon and dinner.   Then we would see to our dogs then head over to my brother's house.  I expected other half's parents to leave our house lunchtime/early afternoon, so in order to time things to suit everyone, I asked brother and SIL what time dinner was so we could aim to get over early enough before hand to allow time for presents.  In the same text I mentioned "please don't make nephew wait for us to arrive to open presents".  All good?  Nope.  My communications quickly turned into the following story - Happypants is having brunch with in-laws so she needs dinner to be pushed back later because Mr and Mrs Happypants won't have an appetite for xmas dinner    There was no brunch planned, mentioned or even thought of at any point.  My parents phoned on xmas morning, my mother honestly completely full of glee at being able to hint that I was controlling timings/messing up the day for everyone else/expecting the day to revolve around us - you know how you can tell when someone just can't wait to get in with a comment designed to shame you out of any feeling of autonomy in your own life?  "So you're having bruuuunch with ***** and ******?"   Eh, not that I'm aware of   A cheeky text from brother about timing dinner to suit everyone, laughing and thumbs-up emojis included 

In the end, there was a family emergency in the afternoon (all good now), so it all was conveniently forgotten.  The only mention was me asking my mother "where did this idea of brunch come from?", her "I don't know  ".
What's really annoying is the wasted energy in trying to avoid these situations, work out why they happen anyway, then regret wasting time focusing on them.  Wasted energy - another thing to add to the long list of things to work on myself.  Or perhaps it's yet another hint to cut further back on contact and concentrate more on what makes me happy. 

Happy New Year to you all when it comes x

[Srcyu]

I think you were correct there, right in your very last sentence.
They are not going to let you relinquish your sg role. You/we are not allowed any input on the timetable for family gatherings. It irked them to hear that you had important plans for earlier in the day.

They needed to wreck the elevation that situation gave to your social standing because, to use your own words, they needed to hold onto the narrative.

[treesgrowslowly]

Sorry you went through that. Thankfully you do understand that you were placed into the SG role, and you see that this is how they treat you.

Psychologically speaking, it 'costs' them a lot if they were to allow you to have your own needs and schedule, especially on an "important" day for them.

What I learned after years in the narc infested FOO: Anything that is important to the N parent and / or their GC, (wedding, birthday, holiday) will be a stressful situation for the SG.

One of the great things I've learned about working with a therapist, is that the therapist can highlight for us, the fact that these family members will not change. This is how they have been for a very long time. This is how they treat you, this is their pattern.

Of course if you had approached the day with a very clear message, such as: Hey all, we're able to arrive to your place for 4 pm" and leave it there, they would not be happy with that either. This is why "boundaries and clear communication" only goes so far when you're the SG in an unhappy, narcissistic family system. The problems run deeper than 'clearly written texts' can go.

I do suspect that (given what I've seen in my narc families) that when you expressed that you don't want nephew to wait to open his presents, you were pointing to something they don't want to collaborate with you on - the time at which your nephew opens his gifts.

Whenever the SG points to something that the GC and / or N parent doesn't want to look at, the GC and N react predictably - by making the SG the problem.

This was a hard lesson for me, back when I was in contact with my FOO. Before I understood how many of them were narcissists, I assumed that sometimes - you know, as ADULTS -  we could collaborate, negotiate or co-ordinate plans, so as to... you know, have the day go well? Nope. A narc (or their GC / FM's) do NOT want to work WITH us, that goes against their narrative.

For example: the old "everyone should bring something to the dinner" family gathering. In a healthy family, people can say "Oh I'll bring x" and the other people say "ok, I can bring t or z, whatever works" and it gets planned out, with people compromising, collaborating and co-ordinating.

In a narcissistic family system, I think a lot of us know how this is just catnip for narcs... If Trees brings x, everyone will talk about how that was the wrong thing to bring, how dare they? Or why didn't they bring x instead? Why did Trees bring item x when Aunt Flying Monkey also said she'd bring x? And on and on their drama goes....

Narcissists pretend they are capable of collaborating with others, but in my experience, these are rigid people who are really only focused on themselves. Their manipulations are aimed at gaslighting us into thinking that they are working 'with' us when nothing could be further from the truth. They get a lot of supply out of misunderstandings and rigid narratives about the family SG. They get unlimited mileage out of their adult children not getting along -  who end up in conflict over details about an important day. The N parent - like you said - is giddy with joy upon learning that there is a new conflict between their adult children.

This is why it is a personality disorder - it is a disordered way of being. It's messed up to be gleeful about family conflict, and people misunderstanding each other. It should not animate our parents, to see us in conflict with our siblings...but if our parent has NPD, then yes, it does activate them, it does give them narc supply, to witness their adult children suffering through the SG / GC dynamic yet again.

For years I watched my narc parents crumple if there was no drama going on that they could get some supply out of. I watched them make up stories, if needed, because the goal was to control the people around them. And gaslighting people makes them feel good. I've watched narcs become gleeful after gaslighting relatives during family gatherings. I've watched narcissists go from despondent to gleeful, after finding someone to gaslight during a family gathering. It's like it wakes them up, they are excited by the way they've been able to upset someone.

They work hard to scapegoat one family member, because in their minds, the scapegoat is the reason things are not perfect (and they are not happy). "If only Trees had brought the right kind of vegetable to our family picnic, we'd be in paradise right now, but thanks to lousy Trees, we have to suffer through this miserable life". 

Only in a narc based family will you see such drama, and as the SG, you knew this. Well before the 25th you knew that this sort of drama was a possibility. Your eyes are open.

It's very predictable. Once you sit back and think about how often this narrative of their gets trotted out. "If only Happypants could do what we want on the 25th, everything would be perfect". You already sense that this will be their narrative on the next December25th as well. I know this is a sad harsh truth.

You're in a narcissistic family system, and therefore, the goal is to NOT to collaborate with you. If the GC works with you (instead of mocking you) then they are betraying their role as the GC.

There is a re-wiring needed - a re-wiring of the dynamics in a narc-influenced FOO, that sadly, rarely ever happens. The narc parent is too invested in the way they've wired everything up (for their selfish needs).

Sadly, no one (not even a therapist) can go in and re-wire the relationship dynamics in a dysfunctional family system. The family members who see the problems, have to decide how often they are going to participate in the events where they are the family SG, and probably always will be. 

In my opinion, the family member who is most baffled by the group's overall inability to get through a birthday / wedding / holiday / trip without this sort of intentional misunderstandings and asserting the narrative, is the one who sees through the BS and FOG. That's you.

In the other parts of your life, you successfully communicate and make plans with others. It can be very hard to see how different it all goes as soon as you use those same, clear minded, adult approaches with your family members.

The strategies you use to make plans and accomplish tasks in the rest of your life (i.e. at work, school, etc...) don't seem to work when you apply those same strategies to the FOO. To me, and to a lot of us here, your request to let your nephew open his gifts before you arrive, makes sense, and is you showing consideration for the fact that young kids may not be able to wait all day to open their gifts. Because you wanted to show that you are an understanding person. Which you don't get to 'be' in your FOO (cause you are the SG).

My FOO insisted that they KNEW me - so anything I wanted to 'be', if it didn't fit with their narrative, it didn't matter what I did, they were committed to their narrative.

I am sorry to agree with you - as you said, these are people who are committed to misunderstanding you. Thankfully as adults, we can find other people to hang out with who actually want to collaborate and communicate with us in a clear and healthy way. Thankfully as adults, we are not stuck with only our FOO and the role they cast us in, back when we were young.

Trees

[doglady]

Trees,
That was one of the most perceptive posts about Narc families I have ever read.
Thank you.

[Pinkos]

Trees - wow! It's amazing to me that after years of reading self-help books and spending time in forums like this one I still find myself learning and re-learning about this dynamic. You and Happypants nailed it when you said they are committed to misunderstanding you. You don't get to define yourself for yourself- they know you better than you know yourself. Positive efforts are twisted and viewed as controlling tactics. My FOO view me as angry and controlling and everything I do is viewed under that light and their perverse responses towards me are justified because.....I'm just angry and controlling! Everything they do seemed to be designed to frustrate me. And of course I WOULD get angry when I felt like everything was made more difficult than it needed to be or that there was no consideration for my time/efforts. Over the years this dynamic wore me out until I reached a point of hopelessness and gave up trying. So I'm NC now but really it's an impasse where I just decided not to make an effort and since they don't feel like they have to make ANY effort...we just don't talk anymore.

It's such an impossible situation for the SG.

[Happypants]

Windmill - thank you!  You are on the money - they can't possibly allow me to have input into the co-ordination of such events.  Another level of chaos in their thinking is that I can't be seen to be considerate of others in my thinking (planning our day around them) because that certainly doesn't suit the narrative.  In the past, they've blatantly stated that plans need to work around GC and his family (said in relation to ME hosting a dinner at MY house).

Trees - I don't know what to say except that as SG, I want to print out your entire response, keep it in my pocket, and read it several times throughout the day for the foreseeable future!  It doesn't seem to matter how much I understand all the dynamics at play here, how many books, podcasts and videos I've consumed, seeing all that in black-and-white is extremely validating.  I can look at what would seem to others (folks with "normal" families) to be a completely innocuous misunderstanding, and see they've twisted it into another opportunity to ostracise and mock me.  Trees, thank you very much.  My guess is that a LOT of people on this forum are going to benefit hugely from your response.  As is always the case with these things, I'm just so sorry that you've had to endure this yourself to be able to respond with such empathy x

Trees,
That was one of the most perceptive posts about Narc families I have ever read.
Thank you.

Doglady, I couldn't agree more!!

Pinkos - thanks for your response.  There were some gobsmacking scenarios a few years ago where I realised the lengths they would go to in order to see "the bad" in me.  For me personally, that has been key in being able to switch from target to curious observer mode (when I'm up to it).  Some of the negative traits tagged on my back are true (I'm not perfect), many are actually laughable and symbolise their determination to misunderstand (they understand me just fine, it just doesn't suit them to do so  ).  I'm sorry you've fallen into the "angry and controlling" category, I've witnessed first hand the level of supply that can provide.  I hope you've reached a level of freedom from going nc x