Raised by a cruel stranger

[Greenvalley]

Hi, I thought I'd share my story just to get it out. It's only recently that I've realised the truth of what's happened to me in my life and I find it helps to share it with people who might understand. In real life, there are only 2 or 3 people whom I've occasionally been able to speak to about this. The rest don't seem to understand, don't believe me or don't care.

Due to unfortunate life circumstances at the age of 11 me and my mother got separated from the rest of our close and extended family and ended up in a foreign country far away from our home. I'd had a happy childhood when the whole family were together and nearby. However, life alone with my mother turned into hell pretty quickly. I suffered abuse, neglect and isolation and my mental health deteriorated quickly. The abuse went on for years, decades, and it was particularly painful living in a foreign country with no one to turn to for help and nowhere to run away to. I used to think that I was one of the unluckiest people in the world to have suffered this fate but reading through people's stories on here I can see similar patterns in being raised by narc parents.

What feels especially galling for me is that in our home country I was the best student of my generation. Having finished 5 grades of school there, I was the only one who'd always had perfect grades in my year. My mother just hasn't cared about my wellbeing at all since then, besides the obvious food on the plate/roof over the head. I've endured terrible narcissistic abuse and was told that it was all my fault, that it was me who was treating her badly, that I was just like my father who'd treated her badly, and that all the abuse was actually her defending herself against me.

And then there was the usual parentification of a child, expecting me to take care of her and be her crutch, partner, emotional soulmate and anything she needed. She just couldn't care at all about my wants and desires, and when I did well at school the abuse would intensify. Pretty soon I became depressed and have lived with depression for the past 30 years. I've also suffered terrible OCD for past 15 years which has made the depression worse as well as almost completely ruining my mental health.

Thanks to starting treatment for depression 3 years ago I managed to see that all the problems in my life were down to my mother and I cut off contact with her 2 and a half years ago. My depression and OCD improved from the treatment and going NC but have still persisted until now. In the last few weeks I have discovered Dr Ramani's youtube channel and this forum, and this has really opened my eyes. I've always had this uncomfortable feeling of not being able to understand what had happened in my life and why. Learning about narcissism and its various facets has helped me to join the dots on a lot of events from the past. It has helped me to stop blaming myself, feel lighter and work towards closure and moving on.

I've realised that, in effect, I have been raised by a cruel stranger who never understood me or worked to help me to succeed in life. In fact, her agenda was to destroy me as much as possible and leave me tied to her and dependent on her for my whole life. Now I'm NC I keep receiving regular text, email and postcard messages as well as messages from flying monkey relatives she's recruited to do her dirty work. I've blocked and ignored everything, but the odd text or email sneaks through.

She also lives nearby to me and has resorted to coming to my house when I'm not there to post messages through my letterbox. It all goes immediately into the bin but does leave me feeling upset, unsafe and disturbed for days afterwards. As far I'm concerned she's dead to me and I just want to be left alone in peace to rebuild my life.

Aside from Dr Ramani and this website, I have found the youtube channel of Dr David Burns to be extremely helpful in dealing with mental health issues. He is one of the pioneers of CBT and has a podcast called The Feeling Good Podcast. His books are also great too. I'd welcome suggestions for any other resources or strategies people here have found helpful.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. You fit right in. And you are not alone on this journey. Have you checked out the Toolbox? Recently I have been watching the crappy childhood fairy, maybe that could interest you too.
Congratulations on going no contact with your abuser! See you around on the boards.

[Greenvalley]

Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. You fit right in. And you are not alone on this journey. Have you checked out the Recently I have been watching the crappy childhood fairy, maybe that could interest you too.
Congratulations on going no contact with your abuser! See you around on the boards.

Thank you for the suggestions and the kind words of support. I realised I fitted right in after watching Dr Ramani. See you around.

[littlelimabean]

I understand. I believe you. I care.

I am sorry you went through what you did and it is a sad kind of funny how similar our stories are. I was also parentified after my family moved to a foreign country.

I just want to say how proud I am of you. It is so hard to leave and go no contact with someone, even if it is the best for you. I applaud you for being able to do it, and trying to maintain it the best you can.

I haven't gone no contact with my mother, but I have gone no contact with my Nana. I have those negative feelings along with a sense of disappointment. It is so strong of us to evolve rather to digress into a toxic comfort because of these temporary negative feelings.

I am new too. I just joined a few months ago, but these people are so sweet. I hope you like it here!

Welcome