N.Y.E.... struggling

[Associate of Daniel]

Excuse me while I wallow for a bit.

It's New Year's Eve and I'm struggling this year.

Normally I'm fine.  I'm always on my own on this night and usually I'm actually glad to be so.  I'm not a party person and I find that I need the alone time after the chaotic end of year and Christmas.  Although, I'd desperately like to see ds16.

I think the main reasons I'm struggling tonight are:

1.  I've been isolating a lot since having Covid a month ago.  I just haven't been well enough to do much at all.
2.  Because of having Covid, I've only seen my ds16 for 3 nights in the last month.  I didn't get to see him on his 16th birthday and I saw him for less than 24 hours over Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.  I won't see him again until 9th January.

I'm also struggling a lot lately with the whole women over 50 feeling invisible thing.  Especially as a single 50 something year old woman.

People have given up on me finding a partner and no longer mention it to me.  I'm glad on the one hand that they don't.  But it's almost like they think that I no longer want or need anyone.  I don't know what I'm thinking really.

Anyway, I have my ice cream ready to go for my annual N.Y.E. midnight foray into the outlying farms. I've upped my standards this year.  I'll not be having my usual McDonald's McFlurry.  I've splurged on a Magnum ice cream instead.

My heart's not really in it this year.  But it beats suffering through my neighbours' crazy chaotic noise at midnight.

Thanks for reading.  See you on the other side.

AOD

[Srcyu]

New Year's Eve has never been for me either.
I recall being about 5 years old and overhearing my bpd mother tell my two older siblings that they could stay up, 'to see in the New Year.' My request to also stay up was refused on the grounds of being too young. I stayed awake while lying in bed, heard the distinctive sounds of midnight known only to my local area and my foo downstairs.
Excluded. My earliest and lasting memory of NYE.

I'm even older than you and at times I do become invisible but only to those who don't really matter.

Ice cream. Love the stuff. Pink magnums are rather excellent if you ever get the chance.
One thing drives me up the wall, people who say, 'All the best,'   Arggggh!
So, none of that from me. Enjoy that ice cream.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi AOD,

Both of those ice cream treats sound good but the Magnum is thumbs up! I also enjoy treats on NYE as part of how to 'work with' the day.

From what you wrote, I do suspect that a lot of how you are feeling is due to the isolation lately, while you were ill and then missing out on seeing your DS as you normally would have - if not for the Covid.

My Covid fatigue scared me. After all the other symptoms were gone, the fatigue was rough and I worried, oh no, is this going to go away? And so I can relate to some of that fear as well, and the frustration of being fatigued. Hang in there - it will very likely get better over the next while.

The older I get, the more I look at all of these 'holidays' through a new lens. "Society" (i.e. capitalism) benefits greatly from promoting these images to us about what NYE or what Christmas or etc... should look like in our lives, and I really think it causes us stress because we are trying to live authentic lives, not manufactured ones...and each of these holidaze has so much marketing attached to it now.

Even NYE - the 'ideal' is that we go out and party until 2 am. What about those of us who don't want that?

There is not one 'holiday' or season depicted in our dominant culture, that celebrates introspection, calm, peace and inner growth. Personally I am starting to think that this is because it reflects a cultural fear of individuation. If people are more actualized - they are less dependent on buying stuff (not my own analysis, I think Chomsky and others analyzed this years ago).

What you wrote is authentic - you don't feel your heart is in it this year, and really, I get that. Some years, this NYE is nothing to me, it is a day where other people are busy, and I'm at home, doing regular day things.

I've also been reflecting on the practice of solitude - or solitude as a practice, and what does that look like.

I know a lot of us have suffered from isolation, exclusion, enmeshment, abandonment and probably other forms of relationship that have caused us to question to what extent we will ever belong or want to belong with others anymore...Many of us here have had multiple experiences with having someone pull us in too close when we needed healthy boundaries, and having others push us away when we needed healthy affection and love. This time of year, I seem to feel the culmination of that...probably because when the winter holiday prep starts, we start to hear the words "joy" and "family" and "most wonderful time of the year" thrown at us, when none of that fits for me. Its like society just gaslit us for the last month or so. Ick.

"All" we want are healthy relationships with other humans...and here we are, wondering where some of that is for us. I am thinking about how you are aware of how nice it is that people do not 'bug' you about being single, but also this is a sign that they do not acknowledge your actual feelings about it (that you'd like to find someone to begin a new relationship with).

It doesn't sound like those people have a good read on what your own values are. And I can say from knowing you here that you have good values, and what you want and desire is valid, whether those people in your life can see that or not. I have really appreciated your contributions here over the year.

I also remind myself that a lot of the people around me who participate in the holiday rituals (as set up by the forces around them (family forces, market forces, mall forces)) are not really choosing this because it makes them happy. A lot of those people are just feeling obligated to go along with the status quo. They don't question - so they go along with the societal messaging.

Most people are just going along with what they know, rather than interrogating their needs and living their values. If they were, more of them would be approaching these holidays the way that we do.

I am sorry that you are missing your DS. That is an important relationship in your life and once January arrives and your schedule to see him again works out, that will hopefully help.

Trees

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks for the replies.

Windmill - that's such an awful memory for you.  I'm really sorry.

Trees - thank-you for your validation and kind words.

Just to clarify:  I'm not drawn to or interested in bit parties etc.  I have in the past 2 years seemingly developed my own solitary tradition for N.Y.E. but my heart just wasn't interested in it this year.  I did have my ice-cream (Magnum Ego.  Mmmmm.) but I didn't drive out to the paddocks this time.  I was just too tired.

The tradition started because I didn't want to be around at midnight when my neighbours went crazy with their car horns and sirens etc..  For some reason this year they didn't seem to do it.  Although as the clock ticked over I was flossing my teeth in the bathroom with the fan on, so maybe I just didn't hear it!

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now.  The Covid tiredness seems to have greatly improved over the last few days and I have been able to be more productive.

So, thanks again.  Happy New Year to everyone.

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Happy New Year, AOD. I actually feel you on the feeling invisible thing. Yes, I do have six kids, but this NYE I was lying in bed pretending to be asleep while the big kids and DH partied it up with the neighbors. DH would have rather been in bed too, but he felt obligated lol. I volunteered to go home with those too young to stay up. But about being invisible... I'm a little down after another holiday of being the maker of the magic so to speak, and feeling taken for granted. I could have gone out and joined them, but like you, my heart just wasn't in it. I just smiled for them ringing bells and banging pots and pans in bed. Our neighborhood really whoops it up. Fireworks even.

Aside to Windmill, that's a sad memory. Because of you writing that I checked on all the little ones and yes they actually were asleep!

This year I need to up my self-care. Mostly it consists of basic hygiene and writing on here. I'm still invisible to myself a fair amount of the time.

[Breadroll]

Happy new year
Your comments struck a chord with me too AoD - especially that « « People have given up on me finding a partner and no longer mention it to me.  I'm glad on the one hand that they don't.  But it's almost like they think that I no longer want or need anyone.  » »

I feel a bit «  spare part » in community of happily married couples. I did try dating, but a combination of needing picker fixing, and a very very limited pool-  have not tried in the last year. I don't know really- it's certainly, without doubt, better than a pd relationship- and am not sure I would willingly give up peace now. And as a 50 something, friends no longer mention it.  Am trying to adjust to enjoying prospect of a single life- making the most of it-  because I don't want to be «  wanting » which makes me a little sad.
Occasionally come across thd sort of man who makes me wonderfully glad to be single and free- little reminders that it's more than ok😎

And apparently there are pink magnums to seek out!  Thank you windmill -

[Jolie40]

Associate of Daniel
Happy New Year!

It is weird that once one turns 40, a woman becomes invisible.
Men used to open doors for me but now they open a door & let it slam in my face. (literally)
The other day, a man walked in front of me at the store (about 5 inches from my face) & didn't bother to say "excuse me."
Last year, a guy blocked me in with his car at air pump. I motioned for him to back up so I could pull through.
Instead, he jumped out of his car, folded his arms, and stood there ignoring me.

Talk about rude! I don't know why SOME men have turned into uncaring, rude people.

I do feel sorry for women who are looking for a good man to date. It must be SO hard!