Should I tell UNPD ex?

[Associate of Daniel]

There is an information evening coming up at a university that has courses in a field that ds16 is interested in.

He is completely self taught in this area and creating some incredible, off the charts stuff.

The teacher at his school, who is the head of that subject's department, has recently completed the 1st level of a course in the area that ds has been working with.  He says that ds could teach the course he's (the teacher) just completed.  It's what I've been saying to ds for a while.

Anyway, the information night falls on a night that ds will be with me.

I would dearly like to take him.

Do I tell UNPD exH about the information night?

There will be pd drama no matter how we approach it.  So it's a matter of minimising/avoiding drama.

There are 2 options, as far as I can see.

My favourite is for ds and I to attend and not to tell UNPD exH, before or after.

Another option is to tell UNPD exH we're going and risk him turning up, thus making things very uncomfortable.

I feel obligated to tell him as it's important for both parents to be involved in guiding their child regarding their future studies.

But ds also has a right to do it all on his own, if he wants to: "Mum, Dad, I've decided I want to study x.  I've done the research and I think y university is the best fit.  I've applied and been accepted.  So long and thanks for the fish."

So, ds could just say that he wanted to go to this info night with me without his UNPD father.

I should say it's not imperative he attend any information nights yet.  He still has 3 years of school.  But it would be helpful for a number of reasons.  Not the least of which is that it would guide his subject choices for the next few years.

Any suggestions?

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Would DS want his dad to come? I don't think you are any obligation whatsoever to include him, personally. It's your time, you're not doing anything harmful. He has three years of school still so the stakes are low. If DS is not inclined to bring it up, there you go.

"Damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damned well do what's best for you."

[SonofThunder]

Hi AoD,

Congrats to your ds16!  Love it when the kids show their stuff and make it look easy. 

You wrote: "the information night falls on a night that ds will be with me." 

-imo, when ds is with you, thats YOUR time, not your UNPD exH's time.  Use it to the fullest, with indifference toward your exH. 

-imo, why isn't your UNPD exH being proactive on this event, like you!  Shameful on your exH imo, since its such a great fit for your ds. 

-imo, don't prop-up your exH by informing him of what he should already know as a parent.

Enjoy the event with your ds!

SoT

[square]

If your ex took your DS to something similar on his time, would he invite you or even inform you?

My guess is that he would not bother.

Imagine that you discovered such a thing occurred and you asked ex why you were not invited or informed. What would he say?

I ask not bevause this is some kind of tit for tat game. I find it quite useful to inhabit the minds of others, sometimes, to adjust my own perspective. If I find myself being too helpful or too concerned, it's useful for me to be able to drop my rope by seeing it through the eyes of people (PD or not) who don't have such problems. And in fact, their perspectives might be healthier in a given situation than mine might be.

- Didn't think of it (shrug).
- It was my time.
- It was no big deal.
- DS wanted to go so I took him.
- Maybe next time.

Note, I do not consider using PD tactics like name calling, blameshifting, gaslighting. Just their nonconcern. Also, sometimes we are entitled to things, like a peaceful information meeting on our own parenting time, so borrowing entitlement when we wre used to putting others first can also be selectively healthy.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, everyone.

Call me Cordelia, I don't think ds wants his UNPD dad to go.  More because it would make things very uncomfortable since I'll be there too, than for any other reason.

He hasn't mentioned his Dad regarding the info night, and I haven't brought it up with either of them.

SoT, thanks for the kind words.

Usually his UNPD father (read: UNPD smother) is proactive.  I look back over the years and see just how much they planned ahead with so many things.

They probably already have plans in place which I won't know about until after the fact.  That's their usual m.o..

So, they may not have picked up on this particular info night but there will be many more at other places to attend.

Square... as above, UNPD exH wouldn't tell me if he planned to or had taken ds to such an event.  After all, he rarely tells me of ds's medical appointments, or of any extra school situations etc.

And if I ask him why I wasn't informed he would say, "What I do with ds on my time is none of your business." And then drag up various irrelevant, unimportant occasions from years ago that I supposedly didn't inform him of, despite having done so.

Thank-you for the useful response suggestions!

The strange thing is that we have another similar situation currently happening that ds has had a different reaction to.

He is studying to get his learner driver's licence.  My parents want to give him a voucher to pay for 6 professional driving lessons.  They can be taken whenever ds likes.

But ds has freaked out, worrying about how his Dad will react.

I'm thinking the driving voucher and info night are the same:  UNPD doesn't need to know about either of them at all.

But for some reason ds sees them differently.

Anyway, ds's friend with whom he collaborates for creating music is going to come with us to the info night. So it should be fun.

I've decided not to mention it to UNPD exH, unless ds suddenly wants me to.

Thanks again, everyone.

AOD