Should Grandma be given another chance?

[fightingfog]

My husband has three siblings. He and his older brother are married and on their own and have been no-contact with their narcissistic parents for nearly a year. The two younger siblings still live at home and are biding their time, having very limited interactions with the parents. They all have, however, tried to maintain a close relationship with their elderly grandmother who lives alone and has experienced health concerns and loneliness since COVID. The siblings all agreed that they did not want Grandma to be involved in the issues, especially since she financially relies on the narcissistic parents. It's well-known that Grandma has some narcissistic tendencies of her own, but they have never been as severe or unmanageable as her daughter, my MIL.

A few months back, she cornered her grandchildren to explain to her what's been going on between them and their parents. They made very clear that they did not want her in the middle of it, simply expressing there were issues that needed to be privately discussed and worked out. She made her stance equally clear that she does not support familial conflict and "family above all else". The grandchildren promised to work on the issues, but again, asked for privacy.

As the holidays came closer, Grandma became increasingly icy with her grandchildren. Seeing my husband as the emotionally weaker of the older two, he has been approached numerous times with targeted manipulation to "break" and resume contact/relationship with his parents. Also, while unable to know or prove for sure, it is HIGHLY suspect that my MIL has been on the slander campaign and so we are unsure what Grandma may have been told (true or not). This all came to a climax on Christmas Day when my husband and I called Grandma to wish her Merry Christmas and ended up being put on trial as bad and shameful children for not seeing my in-laws on Christmas. No such conversation happened with my husband's older brother and his wife, so again my husband felt that he was being targeted. We then learned that at my in-laws' house for Christmas dinner, she asserted to the two younger siblings that my husband has single-handedly "ruined" Christmas.

When this made its way back to him, of course he was hurt and as a result has now placed his grandmother in the same category as his parents. His older brother has done the same. I acknowledge that this is not my decision to make and support their choices entirely. That said, they are both hurt to have lost another family member and can't help but wonder if they've written Grandma off too soon. Again, in the end only they can decide this, but I hate the thought of them possibly regretting down the road not enjoying their time left with her.

Has anyone ever experienced a similar situation? Should grandma be given a chance to explain herself? Were tensions simply high due to the holidays? Or is it likely that Grandma really is growing more severe in her own narcissistic tendencies?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Having been the spouse to first go NC, it helped me the most when my own DH implicitly trusted my decisions, and dealt with his own feelings about it mostly "off stage" if you will. I simply didn't have it in me to offer him much support at all for his emotions when I was so close to the whole thing and needed him to support me so much through all the panic and grief and general CPTSD rollercoaster that was happening in me. He may be different, but in general you are responsible for your own feelings. It looks like you have a pretty good grasp of that. It's okay to be honest about your feelings, but I'm glad you came here looking for support for yourself.

[lkdrymom]

You gave grandma a boundary and she stepped over it.  I would leave her in NC until she offers a heartfelt apology.  If she can manage that I don't see why you couldn't give her a second chance. If you chase after her she will think her behavior is ok, even rewarded.  Leave her alone for now and let things cool.  If she reaches out reiterate the boundary and she what she does.

[Cat of the Canals]

Or is it likely that Grandma really is growing more severe in her own narcissistic tendencies?

My guess would be that Grandma has always been exactly this narcissistic, but conditions were right to keep the worst of her behavior dormant. My own mother is like this: if everything is going her way, if we are all playing "Happy Family" to her liking, she behaves quite well. But the second anyone does anything to break the perfection façade, all her nastiness comes out in full force. If that's the case with Grandma, I doubt she's going to "come around." Her mistreatment of your husband will continue until he gives in and gives her what she wants. And because of that, I think NC is totally appropriate.