Relating to God the Father?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Does anybody have a good resource for help with relating to God the Father? I can intellectually assent to the belief that God loves me. But in practice I actually believe He tolerates me at best, that I am constantly disappointing to Him. When people say things like the Father delights in you or you are his princess, I'm like that's nice but don't connect with it at all. Or else it just causes me lots of pain, because I just don't feel that and it feels like one more thing wrong with me. I may be the daughter of the king, but really I'm His step-headed red child and I know it and am ashamed. Anybody relate? I could just cry and cry and cry about this.

[zad7242]

Call Me Cordelia,

I can definitely relate. I have not done a lot of reading in this area, but I found Neal Lozano's book Abba's Heart to be very helpful. I really like his other books on deliverance and found this quite helpful too.

Peace.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this, CMC.

A book I read parts of as a text for my counselling course may be a help to you.  It's called
"The Father Heart of God" and it's by Floyd McClung Jr.

It's a fairly easy read, not an academic text.

I was struck by the idea that many people can't relate to God as being their Father because their relationship with their earthly father was fractured.

I hope this helps.

AOD

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Cordelia, I do not actually have a good reference to offer. I just wanted to reply as someone else who probably walks a similar path as you.
 
You mention you feel like you disappoint Him or He just tolerates you. I have no book learning, but I do believe He loves you just as you are. There is nothing broken or wrong with you and you do not need to be fixed or do anything to earn His love.

Just being born and being who you are is enough to be loved. I believe some of the beliefs that are contrary to that might be what humans instilled in us and are not true.   
 

   
 
     

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you all. I will check out those two books. Blueberry, yes, that is exactly what I am talking about. I do believe in my head that God is love, and that He does in fact really truly love me, but my feelings are quite the opposite most of the time. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

[Associate of Daniel]

This verse comes to mind:

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Romans 5:8

That's how much He loves us!  We did nothing to deserve that love and we can do nothing to continue to deserve it.  Christ has taken our place and in so doing, He has granted us access to His Father, as our Father.

God is good!

AOD

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes. I agree. I'm realizing this is not something I can reason myself into. Rationally, I accept the proofs and accept the verses as the truth, and yet... the shame. I cannot fix this on my own, I think I need to let God show me who He is, perhaps for a long time. Basically I can't heal this myself. Relational trauma has to be healed in relationships, right? And this is one relationship I cannot presume to take control of or take the lead in.

[discalced-diapason]

Evagrius of Pontius, a 4th century desert father, talks about logosmoi, or specific thought patterns that come about as a result of the wounds of the broken relationship. He also believed sin to be a symptom of that wound, and not crimes demanding satisfaction, and that perhaps the best prayer was staying in the desert cell and letting God encounter us there.

I actually had an atheist phase, an honest nothing is better than a fake something, told God that I refused to worship out of fear, obligation, or guilt, that if that put my moral soul in jeopardy, so be it, I would worship only out of love.

That period of what I consider to be a spiritual fast for a couple of years was what was needed for me to find Him again last year when I had childhood traumatic memories resurface and ended up with a dissociative fugue state, in the stubborn refusal to die, and the care that we show for each other when we are at our best selves.

It is not the well that are in need of the physician, but rather the sick. And that illness comes as a result of the trauma of what has happened to us, and the healing and encountering God again can only happen through the wounds. That's where, I believe, He desires to meet us. As Athanatius said in On the Incarnation, that which isn't assumed cannot be healed, and he chose to assume all of that out of love for us.

I grew up in a church where God was an angry, wrathful God demanding satisfaction and humans were totally depraved, so I've had to unlearn a lot of false information that didn't serve me back then, and that certainly no longer serve me today. It's been a process and a journey, and I still have my doubts and moments, but overall, these days I truly encounter God the Father as a just and merciful judge and physician and not an angry tyrant looking to catch me doing something wrong and punish me for that.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, discalced. This has a lot of good truth and I'm sorry I'm just responding now! My earthly father definitely was "an angry tyrant looking to catch me doing something wrong and punish me for that," and the woundedness from that continues to cry out for healing.

[Adria]

Call Me Cordelia,

I don't have any reference books regarding this subject. However, I went through the same feelings you are going through because of everything that has happened in my life. 

I can say this; I prayed to God to tell me how he felt about me. I begged!!! And in his grace and mercy, he kept dropping in my mind and heart, "I love you Adria." That simple. He did this over and over for a very, very long time, until I finally got it. 

I don't know if you believe that he speaks to us that way, but I have learned to discern his voice. It takes practice.  Maybe just ask, and sit very still and listen and see what he places in your heart and mind.  It also helps to ask for confirmation. 

Just to add a little humor; if my husband does something a little off color, I'll say to him, what are you gonna say to God about that when you are face to face someday?" 
He shrugs his shoulders with a chuckle and says, I'll say, "You made me."

It's true, he did make us because he loves us.  He knew all our faults and shortcomings before we were even born. We are no surprise to God.  That is why he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross to save us from our sins, our faults, our shortcomings. That is all done by His grace.

We have all done things we are not proud of. Don't be so hard on yourself. He loves you. He accepts you.  All we have to do is ask for forgiveness and it's done. We also have to learn to forgive ourselves.  If God forgives us, who are we to not?  Hugs, Adria

[Deborah]

Cannot speak much now. But I have the same issue. I prayed to God over it. He answered in ways that helped me a lot. (Until I messed up again... and was scared again). But I do think He helped.