The things she says

[butterflyrainbow]

"It's all about me now." (said for no particular reason)

"Everything bad happens to me."(after she had a procedure and unexpected pain)

"Well my day just started off awful!" (because her medical shot hurt and "the nurse didn't care", or she couldn't get hold of doctor's office on a holiday, or the dog threw up, etc)

"Well just call me because I can't text all that stuff!" ( texted to me in response to a yes or no question).

"You just don't know how much it hurts, I'm surprised you didn't hear me screaming!"(said on multiple occasions... If she really did scream, I would hear it, I hear her moving around and I hear her tv every day)

"I was in lots of pain and had lots of dizziness and was not able to do anything" (after we just watched her do several things outside with no signs of pain or dizziness)

"I was in so much pain I couldn't do anything at all." (I saw her up and walking and cutting out some things to sew, could hear her making food, etc)

"I'm so shaky I probably shouldn't drive. I'm pretty messed up since my last procedure, lots of confusion." (then she drives by herself to her doc the next day and spends 2 hours shopping and lugs it all inside without any difficulty)

"I forgot, today has been horrible for forgetting, I could hardly get out of the car I was in so much pain! "(after going to the doc and then shopping on her own for 3+ hours to 3 different stores for the second time in 3 days)

"I never heard back from the doc's office, so I will suffer till I can't take any more then go to the ER since none of my doctors seem to give a $#*+" (she made one phone call to one doctor and he wasn't in that day. I watched another doctor hug her after she got upset over NOT being diagnosed with Parkinson's. Two others told her to call them any time and they will talk to her. )

"I'm just cleaning up and vacuuming. I have big pain in my stomach" (then WHY are you cleaning and vacuuming?!)

"I am very, very weak. Fortunately I have food in the freezer so not starving. "(we were on a short trip close to home and our security cameras told a different story than this.)

"I just cleaned up the biggest disaster of the year. PS I hope your day goes better than mine" ( she dropped a deviled egg on the floor)

"I cut myself, can you come over? "(5 minutes later...) "Never mind I got it wrapped." ( I ask if it is a big cut, and I offer to rewrap if needed...)" I got it wrapped now, it quit bleeding " (2 days later....)."My  finger was healing after two days of bleeding, then I opened it back up getting dressed and had 2 more days of bleeding but it finally stopped today" (where in the universe did those two extra days come from and how did something that stopped bleeding almost immediately bleed for 4 days? )

"You don't seem to have any sympathy for me. Why won't you learn to massage me? You wanted to be a doctor!You're not even willing to try to help me?" (this following me refusing to massage a cramp near her crotch. I called her on the guilt tripping and she ramped it up with these statements)

"Well, my aunt took care of HER  mother for years after she became bed ridden."(after she stated that one day I would have to help her wipe herself or change her diapers and I told her no, I'd hire somebody to do that job)

"I shouldn't have had more than two kids. I only wanted two boys and I got them. Then my friend had a girl and she made cute outfits for her, so I wanted a girl to dress up cute too !" (I'm child #3. Such a nice thing to say to your daughter until you really think about what she said. I wasn't really wanted for me, she was jealous and wanted what her friend had. She was more blatant about child #4-that one was my dad's fault and he would have to take care of that one!)


And when I call her out on some of the things she says, she'll respond with,
"I'm just joking. You just don't get my jokes any more.

[Pepin]

  Sounds like she prefers to make her life difficult for herself!  Doesn't seem to be any sort of accountability on her end for any of her gripes.  After each line I was thinking to myself, "sorry to hear that!"  What else is there to say?  I'd be extra firm with boundaries and I wouldn't ask her to provide any more details about anything that she whines about.  Change the subject as quickly as you can or remove yourself.  This is a person who sounds like they have no idea how to be an adult.  That was incredibly draining to read and I am really sorry that you have to endure all of this.  Boundaries and distance if you can!

[bloomie]

butterflyrainbow - I am wondering if your mother and my mil are twins separated at birth? 🤔 When I think about the endless lament of their  'problems' and 'complaints' like this it boggles my mind that a woman can live her entire life, decades (my mil is elderly), and not seem to have a bigger picture view of hardship and suffering than this.

It is a tiny bubble of a world they live in taken up entirely of themselves and their first world, champagne problems. It is a person living in a perpetual state of disappointment, disapproval, self pity, and negativity. There is nothing but inconsistency in their self reports - like you describe here.

I have learned to not trust my mil's word and description of any kind of issue after 11 trips to the ER or urgent care in 8 months when after extensive, expensive testing each time, her diagnosis is... wait for it... she is old. Nothing urgent or out of the ordinary other than her need for attention, drama, and perceived catastrophe. It is exhausting if we let it be.

I have emotionally and physically stepped back and have found my sense of humor in it all again. Which feels really good and helps me cope.

This one is my favorite:
"I just cleaned up the biggest disaster of the year. PS I hope your day goes better than mine" ( she dropped a deviled egg on the floor)

How do you respond to these things? Do you have a method that works best?

[moglow]

When I think about the endless lament of their  'problems' and 'complaints' like this it boggles my mind that a woman can live her entire life, decades (my mil is elderly), and not seem to have a bigger picture view of hardship and suffering than this.

It is a tiny bubble of a world they live in taken up entirely of themselves and their first world, champagne problems. It is a person living in a perpetual state of disappointment, disapproval, self pity, and negativity.

Add mommie dearest to this mix. She'll complain that no one cares and she's sooooooo isolated yet threw out a list of excuses and problems every time there was mention of visiting her. The negativity and disapproval ... oh. Mylanta. Bottomless.

Every and any event centers around and goes back to her, how SHE is so inconvenienced and affected by it all, all focus must be on her personal tragedy. September 11, she had been traveling cross country on a train. OMG they stopped the train travel and she didn't know how she was going to get home!! [Obv they provided accommodations and travel to those on the train, to get them back home] But not one nod to what had actually occurred. Hurricane years ago took out trees and an old storage building in her yard, minimal damage otherwise. But she still goes on and on about the horrible conditions etc - she didn't lose or even had to leave her home. Wasn't injured, Didn't lose anything irreplaceable or of value. It's always the Worst. Day. Ever.

[Sneezy]

Wow, your mom really believes it's all about her, doesn't she?  Her statements sound so much like things someone with covert NPD tendencies would say.  Life is always a disaster and your mom is sitting right in the middle of her very own pit of despair. 

I used to try to predict what my mom would say next, so that I would have a good medium chill response ready.  But there is just no way to accurately predict what they will say.  I mean, who would have guessed that dropping a deviled egg on the floor would be a major disaster 

Medium chill and boundaries will be your best friend.  And share your stories here when you need to.  I honestly don't think most people we interact with can understand, but I can guarantee you that most people on this forum were smiling and shaking our heads when we got to the deviled egg.  We get it.

[butterflyrainbow]

This one is my favorite:
"I just cleaned up the biggest disaster of the year. PS I hope your day goes better than mine" ( she dropped a deviled egg on the floor)

How do you respond to these things? Do you have a method that works best?

Bloomie, they might be twins lol
My go to method these days is to ignore the dramatic bits and focus on any true issues. She does have liver and kidney function disease that significantly affect her health overall, and she is in her early 80's, so I have to take into consideration that she really is in some discomfort and sometimes in pain and then I do my best from there to give realistic assistance. Usually I suggest she call her doctor and let them know how horrible her pain is because I can't do anything to help her, and this will clue me in if she is exaggerating or in true need of help. However, this pattern of describing pain with dramatic flair is her habit. Ever since I can remember, her  back pain, menstrual cramps or flu bug, headaches, and other afflictions were described as the worst ever.

The most recent example- just a few weeks ago she had me take her to the ER because she was in "horrible pain and couldn't take it any more". So I took her, she walked in, checked herself in, walked to the waiting area and sat down, then walked to her ER room, all without help from anyone, just a cane. As you probably know, they ask you to describe the pain on a 1-10 pain scale....she calmly, pleasantly said 10. Then she saw the pain scale picture beside me (the one that goes from smiling (1) to ugly crying (10) and realized her faux pa and corrected herself that she WAS at a 10, but at the moment she was not.

So I just now realized I can use that scale to gauge what her pain level really is. 🙂

Pepin, yes, you are right. I am learning to keep stricter boundaries, be more self aware so I can respond appropriately in the moment, and I'm currently at minimal contact. She does express gratitude occasionally, but I often feel like it comes with a price and any moment she's going to hand me the bill. 

Moglow, I have actually heard her say those words. "It's the worst. Day. Ever. " Several times. I really don't understand how a person can live with that mind set over minor things.


Sneezy, I'm so glad to find people who get it. I felt very alone for a long time. I feel guilty talking about it, but I know I need support and from a bigger circle than I have at home, which is pretty small to begin with.

[moglow]

"I just cleaned up the biggest disaster of the year. PS I hope your day goes better than mine" ( she dropped a deviled egg on the floor)

I'm wondering her response at my Sunday morning fun - I bumped carton of eggs sitting on the counter. Scuffle ended with a couple of RAW eggs on the floor, which cats immediately walked through ...     

[Andeza]

Most of us would consider the 10 on the pain scale to be uncontrollable tears, writhing in agony, or passing out I think...

But yes for them it is the "worst ever" and "nobody understands!!!" Because no one, out of the nearly 8 billion people currently alive on the planet, or the billions that have gone before throughout history have ever experienced what they're going through in that moment.... Statistically impossible of course. We know this. But these *are* the things they say. Things that come right from the PD playbook, word for word across our experiences. At least it makes it easy to spot them.

[butterflyrainbow]

"I just cleaned up the biggest disaster of the year. PS I hope your day goes better than mine" ( she dropped a deviled egg on the floor)

I'm wondering her response at my Sunday morning fun - I bumped carton of eggs sitting on the counter. Scuffle ended with a couple of RAW eggs on the floor, which cats immediately walked through ... 

oh my LOL

I just took her grocery order to her little apartment and as she is walking the 4 feet to her fridge, she said, "I don't know if I can make it to the fridge". Two minutes later after I announce I'm leaving to finish my dinner, she says,
" I've never been so weak!"  A minute later I come back with a forgotten gallon of water and she takes it out of my hand, bends over and sets in on the floor under a shelf...

I did put the eggs away for her just to be nice lol 😉

[butterflyrainbow]

Most of us would consider the 10 on the pain scale to be uncontrollable tears, writhing in agony, or passing out I think...

But yes for them it is the "worst ever" and "nobody understands!!!" Because no one, out of the nearly 8 billion people currently alive on the planet, or the billions that have gone before throughout history have ever experienced what they're going through in that moment.... Statistically impossible of course. We know this. But these *are* the things they say. Things that come right from the PD playbook, word for word across our experiences. At least it makes it easy to spot them.

well said... 🙂
I love my mom, I really wish she could have a more positive outlook. We just lost a friend who was dx'd with a fatal disease and not even a month later was put in hospice. And she kept smiling through to the end. That is what I wish for my mom, that her last days on Earth could be happy in spite of it all. I refuse to live a life of Doom and Gloom with her.

[butterflyrainbow]

today's gem:

" I was going to go through all my stuff and start getting rid of things I don't need. But then I decided, why bother when  you have to get rid of everything anyway? "

She is an organized hoarder, btw. If there's an empty spot, she fills it with stuff.

[moglow]

Feel free to use this one: Sure mom. Kerosene, torch. I'll take care of it when the time comes.

[butterflyrainbow]

Feel free to use this one: Sure mom. Kerosene, torch. I'll take care of it when the time comes.

😂😂😂
Thanks Moglow! Why didn't I think of that in the moment? Next time for sure.

[moglow]

Gallows humor gets me through. I've actually used that line on mine, she had a FIT when told her that I'm not enamored with or remotely interested in her "treasures." 🤷🏻‍♀️

[butterflyrainbow]

Gallows humor gets me through. I've actually used that line on mine, she had a FIT when told her that I'm not enamored with or remotely interested in her "treasures." 🤷🏻‍♀️

I indulge in dark humor on occasion too 🙂

And our mothers may be related. I know she'd flip her lid if I tell her I don't want anything. She's already told me to look through everything because she hid money. And I better not get rid of certain things she wants me to have.  She blames us for not having certain items anymore that she had to sell when she moved here. 🙄

My secret tip of the day: My smart hubby got an estate sales company to go through her house
and sell everything. It was totally worth the cost to hire them.They sold everything she couldn't  bring over - even stuff we would have thrown away like pencils and used soap. What they didn't sell they took with them and donated. The house was completely emptied when they were done and we were saved a lot of work. 🙂 I will probably do something similar with her stuff.

[Dragonfly]

today's gem:

" I was going to go through all my stuff and start getting rid of things I don't need. But then I decided, why bother when  you have to get rid of everything anyway? "

She is an organized hoarder, btw. If there's an empty spot, she fills it with stuff.

***This and Mo Glo's reply are awesome