Claim they are coming to my house

[Sidney37]

So I've been NC since before Covid.  I haven't been here much  lately because I was doing so well.  Until today.  My ptsd is through the roof. They live an 8-10 hour drive away. 

Over the last few years, my NPDm and enD have left message after message, threatened to call the police for a welfare check, called my neighbors asking them to "check on me", threatened to take me out of the will (I don't care) and posted a smear campaign on social media.  They sent emails that each of them had diseases, injuries and most recently a cancer biopsy.  I don't respond.  I blocked them but kept the emails in a folder.  The voicemail messages are in a folder, too.  I kept them in case of a need for a restraining order. 

The last message was that they decided from things they were studying at church that they should forgive me?!?! For what?!? They said I need to forgive them because forgiveness takes 2 people.  Nope.  I forgave them years ago, but I'm not reconciling without true apologies and change in behavior. 

I've responded a few times years ago stating that I needed apologies for some terrible things they said to me and my kids.  They insist that they did nothing wrong and apologized for "whatever they did".  My therapist thought I should never resume contact. 

So, today I get a voicemail message that they are coming here to "talk to" me.  Like I'm a 7 year old.  They want to know what time they can come over that's convenient?!?!  Like they live in town.  They live 8+ hours away and have no connection to where I live other than me and my family.

I broke my NC and texted them not to come.  I wanted it to be clear in case I had to contact the police that I said not to come.  I asked what they needed to talk to me about.  No response.

My ptsd is through the roof.  I don't want to see them.  I can't even imagine why anyone would drive 10 hours to see someone who hasn't spoken to them in years.  I guess I'm going to have to call the police if they show up here.  But that will traumatize my kids when the police get called on their grandparents.  For all I know they are already here or on their way.

Help!  Any suggestions?  I'm feeling panicked and helpless!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, Sidney. I can only imagine that I would react similarly in your situation. The amygdala is gonna amygdala...

Here are my ideas. What if you call the police's non-emergency line and say, "Hey I've dealt with my mentally ill parent's harassment in the past and now they are threatening to show up at my house. I have kids and I'm worried. What do you recommend?" Could you have your husband be present or alternatively a friend so you don't have to be alone at home? Or could you go out for a time? Being home alone and wondering if every car coming by is ThEM is the absolute worst. I think I remember your kids are young, as were mine. For a time we just didn't play in the yard and went to the nearby parks where we were less likely to be cornered. If, heaven forbid, their car is there when you return you can drive away, call the police, and have them call you when the coast is clear. (Can you tell I have been in your shoes?!?)

Here's the thing though. They have threatened to do stuff in the past like call the police for a welfare check, which they did not follow up on. Best case and imho most likely scenario they won't show up, but you 100% deserve to take care of yourself and help yourself to feel safe in this. You do not have to white-knuckle through this alone.

[Call Me Cordelia]

P.S. You are SUCH A GOOD MOTHER. Your PTSD symptoms are freaking the heck out and you are most concerned about not traumatizing your children. You are seriously the best. Those mama bear instincts will serve you very very well.

[Sidney37]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, Sidney. I can only imagine that I would react similarly in your situation. The amygdala is gonna amygdala...

Oh Cordelia.  I am so glad you've responded.  You have always understood this so well.  I think we've had some similar experiences over the years.  You have been so kind with your advice.

I love your quote.  It was exactly what I needed as both a reminder and to give me a chuckle.  " amygdala is gonna amygdala...". Yes it is!

I've been vague about the ages of my kids.  They are actually mid to late teens now.  But the mama bear still comes out and a big part of the reason I'm NC is to protect them from the drama.   They had to get told not to answer the door if my parents show up.  Not a conversation I want to have to have with my kids, but that's where we are.  Sigh..,

I'm here trying to remember all of my CBT skills for panic.  My husband is still working from home some days, so that helps.  It's a fine line between making myself feel safe and panicking my kids. 

You are right.  They have threatened to do other things that they haven't.  Let's hope they don't show up here either. 

[bloomie]

Sidney37 - this latest intrusion into your good and settled life is very unfair and my heart goes out to you that you are even dealing with this.

Oh course I can't say for sure, but it reads like they are attempting to provoke you to contact, to pay attention to them, to RESPOND because, for some, I have found, the ultimate pebble in a highly narcissistic family system's shoe is the audacity of a family member to step away from them. It very much feels like a huge, psychological power play at your expense.

Those with trustworthy intentions toward us do not, I repeat, do not approach an estranged beloved family member like this. They come in low, with humility, they ask and do not tell and demand. They respect a 'no'.

You have responded and made it very clear they are not welcome. You said what you needed to say one time. You do not have to repeat yourself or contact them again unless you decide to for some reason.

I know it does not feel like it right now, but you will be okay. You are not the same vulnerable person without tools and strategies you once were in their home. You are not a sitting duck. You have options and resources available to you.

Your children are older and strong and resilient and you have a DH by your side, and together you will get through this. What it may be is an opportunity to talk this through at whatever developmental level is appropriate with your kiddos. This is highly aggressive, high conflict behavior. It might help to talk it through as a family so that no one is blindsided.

Keep coming back and sharing as you are able and let us know how you are doing. Hugs to you today!

[Call Me Cordelia]

How are you doing, Sidney?

[Sidney37]

Hi Bloomie!  Hi Cordelia!

I'm feeling less anxious today!

Thank you, Bloomie, for you always wise and comforting words.  And yes, I do think it was yet another attempt to get me to respond.  None of the other attempts worked but in think in enD's (possibly uPD) mind, threatening to show up here was going to get a response.  It did because I had to say no to set a boundary.

He's either so selfish that he doesn't realize or doesn't care, that threatening to show up without warning or permission is one of my biggest PTSD triggers.  I had a likely PD boyfriend (so many of us do because we it's all we know) who stalked and then harmed me after I broke up with him 20+ years ago.  So it's infuriatingly possible that enD literally preyed on my actual trauma.  He's also very emotionally immature so it's possible he had no ability to see the consequences of his actions.  It wouldn't be the first time that he reacted and realized later that he was wrong.  He has done it in his work life for years. 

You are totally right.   Thank you for pointing it out.   People who want to resolve, don't reach out in this way.  I have a friend who I used to talk to once a week or more before Covid.  We've drifted in the past few years.  Maybe political/Covid differences.  Maybe work expectation changes.  Maybe a relationship change for her.  Maybe nothing.  But if I really wanted to increase the frequency of communication because I thought or had been told that it was something I said or did, I'd approach her in a humble, kind, apologetic way.  I'd say that I heard her saying that I had done
X and it upset her.  I'd apologize, I'd ask what I needed to do to improve our friendship and I do it.  And if there was nothing, I'd accept it and hope that someday it could change. But if it didn't, I'd accept it.  I wouldn't tell her I was driving to her house to demand that she defend herself!

We ended up talking about it as a family.  My oldest is an anxious kid and unfortunately fights some tendencies to act like my parents.  Not sure if that's nature, nurture or both.  She also was the golden child with them, so she still misses the attention.  She understands that they are handling this wrong, but she misses the special attention.  My youngest, gets that they are ridiculous and he won't answer the door if they show up.  He was the scape goat and didn't really miss them when we went NC because they mostly ignored him.

My fight or flight is calming today.  Thank goodness.  But, you are right, I do have tools that I didn't have as a kid or even as a 40 year old adult!  I'm safe.  I'm not 7 and grounded to my room with no control.  I can exercise to cope.  I know some DBT.  I'm 8 hours away.  I have a lock on my door.  I have a security system.  I have a car to leave.  I have a police station 5 minutes away.  I'm not 7 even if I feel like I am. 

And I just got a text response that he has nothing to say to me.  He just wants to drive her because he is demanding to see my kids (really just my oldest) before he dies.  In other words, my oldest, their golden child, had a few major,  senior in high school, milestone events that were posted by others (my child, the school, the team, etc.) on social media.  They missed these events and can't explain to others why without admitting that there is a problem. 

Now if they are just desperate to see my oldest, I can see that being a problem in the future.   I wouldn't put it past them to show up hours away from them on the college campus that happens to be less than hour from some relatives my parents see yearly. 

But I'm doing better.  I do have tools.  I can do this!

[moglow]

So...  They're coming to talk to you but (when told no) he had nothing to say to you? Got it. Whatever forgiveness they feel they need is on them, seek it and be done then. Nacho stuff, ya know?

[Sidney37]

Yep.  Nothing to say.  I learned my lesson.  I responded to say don't come in case I needed to file a restraining order.  Sad that I have to think about that when dealing with people who go are supposed to love you.  It's clearly their issue. So glad that it is so much easier to see now that I am years beyond still having contact.  It's on them.

[Preamble]

Sidney37 I am very sorry you are going through this.  It  sounds like my situation in terms of the PTSD reaction and the threat of a visit.
I hope some answers come, and soon