Stated Clearly I wanted to divorce

[PAY]

I just saw my unPDstbxH.  He wanted to get together again (I saw him Thursday at his request) to "tie up some loose ends".  He's still expressing wanting to get back together  We filed for divorce in Dec.  I moved out March 1.  We've been in mediation since December.
He keeps "making me" tell him I want a divorce. ("how can you not have doubts?" "we have the power to write a different ending").
Having to say things that have the potential to hurt is SO HARD FOR ME!  That's my part that has made this such a mess.  I'm "afraid" of him.  I don't want to hurt him.  I don't want someone to not like me.  (Afraid in quotes b/c I'm not physically afraid.  I'm afraid of his expressions of anger.  I'm afraid I'll let him talk me into something I don't, in my heart of hearts, want to do). This is my lifelong journey.  To stand up for myself, regardless of the other person's reaction.

I felt like I couldn't breath afterwards.  He got up quickly and walked out ahead of me (we met at a coffee shop at my request).

We have mediation tomorrow.  Now I feel disarmed.  I will be doing a lot of meditation tonight and tomorrow.  I don't expect him to agree to a settlement (I am paying him spousal support).  I have told the mediator this is my last meeting.  We've been doing this for close to 6 months and week to week, he increases his "ask".  Everyone said he is not a good candidate for mediation, but because I was afraid of his reaction and he wanted mediation (b/c he loves to argue!) that's what we did.  The lawyer has told me it will be 12 months before it's settled if we hire lawyers and I dread the thought of another 12 months of this.  But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.  Time for something new.

Thank you all for being here.  Over and over again, I come on here and read a few posts and I see another part of my story being told.  You've provided so much strength for me.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms on here.
PAY

[pushit]

I understand how hard it feels to hurt someone, I think so many of us on this forum deal with that internal pain and that's what gets us into these types of relationships.  I can certainly relate.

I'm going to give you a very simple answer though.  Put yourself first.  What do YOU want?  I think that's the biggest transformation we make here, going from being a people pleaser to realizing that we need to take care of ourselves first.  It's not easy to get there, but once you do, it is oh so worth it.

[ploughthrough2021]

Well said Pushit. You beat me to the punch with your answer !

[Mitchy]

I went through something similar. And, yes, Pushit is right. I actually gave in on some of his asks just to get it done. They weren't any that would break me financially and my lawyer (yes we had a lawyer and mediation because he was that difficult) was surprised. But I know him better than she or the mediator. For my sanity I was able to give up some possessions (it came down to that with him - he's all about possessions). Divorce is difficult with the most sane of partners. We have the unfortunate luck of adding a PD to the mix.

Once he realizes that you are no longer afraid of his reactions (IME that was the most liberating time - to not care anymore how he reacted because I didn't have to any longer) it will get better. Not because he changed, but because you did. 

[Bunnyme]

I would write some things down ahead of mediation if you can.  Even things like "Focus on what is best for YOU" to glance down at help.  I also had a list of phrases to buy me time as well.  "I will need to think about that," "I will need more information before I can address that," etc., so that I wasnt trapped into making a decision I wasnt comfortable with. 
One thing my therapist finally convinced me of is that people are responsible for their own feelings.  As long as you are stating facts, even if those are facts are what you are feeling, and you arent making statements maliciously, you are NOT responsible for how they react or how they feel. 
The example that finally sunk in with me (which, she admitted, would not be a nice thing to say):  if someone calls me ugly, I may react with being really sad.  I may get super angry.  I may feel so confident that I blow their comment off...  you cant MAKE someone feel a certain way. 
Same thing with you stating you want a divorce.  He can be sad, angry, take it in stride...not your responsibility.  Share your truth, even if you are worried about the reaction of the other person. 
I'm a caretaker to the detriment of myself most times, but the more I practice this, the more I grow confident in my ability to speak the truth. 
I didnt want to bring a lot of things up in this process because I didnt want to embarrass him or make him upset.  In the end, I'm just stating what he did, and have to let the chips fall where they may.  I have no doubt, push comes to shove, he'd have no qualms about throwing me under a bus if it meant saving himself.  I dont need to lie down in the street to help him out. 

[Stillirise]

I hope your mediation went as well as could be expected.  It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I am laser focused on getting to settlement, as if it were a business deal.  His twisting, flailing, manipulating tactics are background noise at this point.  Sometimes, I can still get distracted by it, but once I refocus, I can fade his drama out of my field of view.  It's not that I want to intentionally inflict harm on his fragile ego, it's just that it's no longer my place to enable his disordered thinking, and disrespectful behaviors. If you are only stating facts, and he chooses to feel harmed by that in some way, that's his choice.  Best wishes to you!

[PAY]

Thank you , still rise and all. I'm grateful for the support.
Mediation was a usual circus, with him pulling out yet another idea for something I should pay. We were done when he then changed. His mind and had another suggestion, which was much more appealing. So we *might* have an agreement. I say with ** because it has looked like we've been here before-but this looks close. The mediator is drawing it up.

I had anticipated feeling sad + I do. Anticipating and actually going through it are 2 different things. As long as I don't act on my sadness (reach out to him, reconnect), it's all good and it will pass.

[Boat Babe]

Practice sitting with your sadness and seeing it as a natural feeling in your circumstances and honoring your feelings.  That way it can arise and then dissipate, leaving you to get on with your day, creating your new life.

Mindful Selfcompassion is your friend here. ❤️

[Poison Ivy]

BoatBabe, thank you for the reminder that it is okay to sit with sadness.

[Stillirise]

BoatBabe, thank you for the reminder that it is okay to sit with sadness.

That was something I learned here...that it's ok to sit with whatever bubbles up during this process.  I truly believe that's been the key to my healing over the last year—just sitting with the sadness, grief, anger, frustration, loneliness, and all the other things that surfaced.  All of that eventually faded.  It allowed me to be grateful in a new way for the peace, freedom, and control over my own life that I now experience.

PAY, you're doing a wonderful job!  There are sure to be more twists and turns, but you've made some powerful steps toward your new life! We are here to support you anytime!

[WhiteWolf]

PAY, it's amazing your experience is so similar to mine. He keeps wanting to have this discussion where I have to tell him whether I REALLY want a divorce or not. Then he has a dramatic blow up and the cycle repeats. I filed for divorce in September. All this time it's been a huge hoover and his assuming we're still together. I thought it was just me that was going through something like this!