Progress?

[JustKeepTrying]

***Suicide Trigger****

After my attempt and time in the hospital last fall - in reaction to my DD rejecting me during and after a flashback/PTSD episode - I worked weekly with a trauma therapist - the EMDR of the physical abuse worked well and my seizures stopped.

I am working through the tail end of my physical therapy and worked diligently to walk with assistance - I am down to one cane when walking on uneven surfaces.  I took a long trip by myself facing great difficulties and I figured it on my own.  I had a night of questionable passion and then rejected which I consider a blessing because I think I brushed against a narc.  All in all an eventful period of time for me.

Through it all I have been working on RAIN meditation by Tara Brach as well as just meditating overall.  Practicing mindfulness and I am seeing improvement.

But tonight something profound happened.  I felt compelled to do a RAIN mindfulness meditation and found myself investigating (the I in RAIN) the feeling that I was unlovable.  That something in me was so broken and wrong and that was why my NPD sis, xOCPDh and others had rejected me, this core belief that the reason my dad was who he was and why my mother never believed me - was because I was wrong on some fundamental cellular level.  In the middle of all this pain sat this little girl who just looked lost and bereft.

I know that I read on here about other people's experience with inner child work but I've never really experienced it before.  I sat down with her in the midst of this pain and just held her.  We sobbed together and just clung to each other.  I just let the feeling flow through me while I cried.  And all the pain and anger and sadness and desperation that I was feeling dissolved.  My chest eased and the girl disappeared.  And my meditation ended.

In some way I feel that I am getting to the root of the trauma.  To the core.  I do have a fear - there is a memory where I am a little girl pressed against the wall of the school and two men are feeling my hair and back.  The men are from my brothers scout troop and I am afraid that something happened to me as a very small child and my mind has completely hidden it.  Knowing how my mind created a safe space when my ex physically abused me, this is not too much of a surprise.  But I think that instead of pushing to remember, I am going to let my mind do it's thing and I will honor it and listen to my body and if seizures begin again - I will go back to the trauma therapist and address it.  But for now, I am honoring the memory and letting it flow.

I feel like every time I address a traumatic memory, another floats up.  Like this never ending whack a mole of misery.

[notrightinthehead]

Or you could see it this way: You are finally strong and grounded enough to let it come through. And we are here to hold your hand. Big big hug.